Time 2

-We work under the assumption we will live to see the other day. We plan our lives according to an assumption we we live to see the day our plan culminates. Yet, as we know, Death does not care whether you're young or old. Death visits anyone, and it visits everyone when the time has come, regardless of whether the person is a Muslim or not, a man or a woman (or a gay), is a bachelor, married or divorced, is still studying or well into retirement. Death does not care. He will come, when Lord says so.

-When we celebrate 2011, we must keep this thing in mind. We are not getting any younger. I may be in no position to preach to dear readers, considering my fading faith in God and my pessimism, but I think that I have a right to say what is on my mind: We need to improve our lives.

-Even though it will not be an easy path, and quite possibly impossible to do (supposedly we die tomorrow), I still believe that somehow we must utilize our strength at an utmost level, to bring a positive change in ourselves.

-No one knows about the future. Maybe in 10 minutes, I will get killed or commit suicide or get a heart attack. No one knows for sure. Which is more the reason why we must plan and act. Cherish the present, one of my old friend said. Let go of the past, and prepare for future, but never forget that we are always in the present moment. We are not going to be back in the past, and future always arrives in the guise of 'present', catching us off the guard.

-Night always turns into day, but maybe we won't survive the night. However, it is not the reason to forsake all our plans for tomorrow.

Righteous

-2011. I am still lost.

-No. I had found a way, but got lost of the track.

Get Lucky

-I hope I will get lucky these days. As my self-centrist desires urge me to stay living, my mind tells me I am breaking apart, my hearts tells me I am already insane, and my behavior suggests that I am really insane. One of these days I might grab my cigarette and smoke 2 full boxes in a day, watch insane pornos and complain that it is boring, or play my guitar until my fingers bleed.

-It feels like my heart is collapsing from within, the vacuum inside my heart being compressed and I tell you, the pain is physical: I found it harder to breathe now (clearly due to heavy smoking), and my chest is constantly in pain, as if the ribs are falling apart inside.

-The cold winds of winter doesn't help me ease my pain; rather, they made me feel sicker of myself. I feel like there's a hollow in my heart; It is dark, and no light can penetrate it.

-I have to get lucky.

Muse

No, I ain't referring to the English rock band.

What I want to say this time is the fact that I am not looking for my soul mate. Yeah, I am not looking for the One; in fact, I don't think I have a soul mate.
Instead, I am looking for muse.
A girl (or a few girls-love comes and goes, hence people who believed the love is eternal must review their aqidah, because only God, Paradise and Hell is supposed-I repeat, is supposed to be eternal) that can inspire me to strive and start living, that is my muse.
But then, my realistic and nihilistic part of me would retort to this ideal:
"Fuck off, you fucking Servant of Allah!"
Damn.
My romantic part would then reply:
"Why is it so?"
My Arabicised part would say:
"Astaghfirullah...."
"I think you are an atheist, though," exclaimed the sarcastic Marxist me.
Damn.

And I would think then, "what the hell?"

Surrealistic

-I don't know.
It feels weird, to have the sun in the southern sky, not the usual upper head sky.
It is weird to be in a temperature well below 15 degrees, when considering that it is afternoon.
It is weird to write this, and I have absolutely no idea of what am I trying to say here.

Maybe I am just being euphoric here. I don't know whether I am sad or happy anymore; this statement sounds like a lie to my own two ears, even if it comes from inside my heart, inside my soul.

Surrealistic is the word, maybe.

Study

-This week, all of us, the Faculty of Letters' students, were deciding on which sub-courcse they would take. We were required to choose three options that we would like to specialize.

I decided to take these three:

1. Philosophy

2. Oriental History

3. Music-Theatrical Studies

Well, why these three?

The first option, Philosophy is all about defining words, very basic words and questioning the basis of these words. "What does existence mean?""What does the word 'God' mean?""What does 'peace' stands for?""What is Time?" All of these questions are asked, thus Philosophy is a very dangerous thing to do, that some religious people shun this study. But the fear of thinking, due to the fear of going out of Quranic and Sunnah bounds, in my opinion, is the reason why we Muslims have fallen behind.

I wouldn't tackle such subjects, though. There's only a little possibility that I would really be immersed in philosophy and become a philosopher. I'm just doing the basics, I think. And to be precise, the kind of Philosophy I'm thinking of (yes, there are Philosophy sub-topics too) is Language Philosophy. What is that? It's the kind of Philosophy that deals with languages, words and nuances. I wouldn't go into details.

The second one, Oriental History is about Asian-African History. Here in Osaka University, they specialize on Central and South-East Asian History, and that is what I would like to study.

The third one, Music is taken simply out of interest. Well, one of the topics that they focus on here is Traditional Music, and there's quite an interesting subject. Being my third option, I do not think there's a high chance of me doing it, though.

Well, I would like to learn a little bit of everything, though, so I would prefer some freedom in deciding what I would like to study. Eclectic and liberal, these are the keywords.

Depression 3

-"Seek personal help la kawan".

One stranger told me that in a Facebook quarrel, in which I swore at him, using some very harsh and inappropriate words.

There's just no way I can apologize to him, because that would mean I acknowledge that he was right, when in fact, he was wrong for calling my friends bad names.

However, I also think that the names I've been calling him that day was way too harsh.

Guess I was depressed at that time.

A depression of no apparent cause. This is what I'm feeling now. If I were to describe it, I'd describe it as a sensation of having your chest being crushed from within. It is not a strong sensation, but it persists throughout the whole day.

No, I'm not having problems with study. In fact, I feel I'm doing extremely well with my studies.

It's just...I don't know. I feel so fucked up, so stuck up. For no apparent reason.

No wonder my muse got angry with me and abandoned me. Now I can't think of any tunes at all.

This is just so fucked up, I cannot think straight, I cannot feel straight.

I wish I can kill God. And destroy this world to oblivion.

But there's no point in doing that.

We can't do that anyway.

I'm Fine

-I'm fine. I don't feel bad anymore. I don't feel bad at all. I don't feel anything.

Being freedom is good, to some extent. But too much freedom will make you unable to do anything. You cannot aim because there's no aim, you cannot climb because there's no wall, you cannot run because there's no drive urging you to run, you cannot distinguish up and down because there's no gravity, you lost the way because there's no path, you cannot think logically because the reality seems unreal, God seems rather ungodly, and your own faith doesn't believe in you.

Call me ungrateful, but these days, I couldn't make myself feel any gratitude at all.

Call me an unbeliever, but I think I lost my capacity to have faith.

Call me a loser, but I think I can never win. After all, I'm not fighting.

I feel defeated.

But still, I'm fine. I'm not dead yet.

And the fact that I'm not dead means that I'm still fighting, and I'm not defeated yet.

When I think of my situation that way, yeah, I think I am really fine.

I Just Love Her

I love her.

I still want her.

No matter how impossible it seems for me to say it to her, I still want to wish her the best of luck, and pray so that her dreams and hopes are fulfilled.

Which is the reason why I must move on.

Because I love her.

Aku Rindu Kuala Lumpur

Kuala Lumpur.

Aku masih boleh mengingat dengan jelas, segala pengalamanku yang indah di sana. Pertemuanku dengan semua teman-temanku di IBT, pengalamanku belajar di IBT, dan suasana Kuala Lumpur yang tidak begitu indah kini menjadi salah satu khazanah yang berharga dalam suratan memoriku.

Aku teringat pada hari pertama aku di Kuala Lumpur. Aku ketika itu menggelabah, takut akan masa depanku. Aku tidak tahu sama ada aku akan mampu untuk mengejar destinasiku, dalam keadaan aku tidak punya cita-cita atau impian yang menjadi aspirasiku. Aku terasa bagaikan aku telah mengembara jauh dari masa silamku, telah menjejak satu bumi yang asing bagiku.

Namun, di Kuala Lumpur, aku bertemu sahabat-sahabatku di IBT. Setiap mereka punya pemikiran dan falsafah yang berbeza dalam hidup. Mereka mengajarku banyak perkara dan menjadi sebahagian dari hidupku yang tak lekang dari perubahan. Mereka telah menunjukkan kepada aku potensi yang terpendam dalam diri aku dan bagaimana untuk mengeluarkan kekuatan tersebut, sehingga aku kini masih mampu berdiri sebagai diri aku.

Kuala Lumpur bagiku adalah satu tempat yang menduga jiwa raga seorang manusia. Jika engkau tidak bersedia mengukuhkan jati dirimu dan tidak ingin beradaptasi kepada keadaan, engkau akan hanyut dan hampa di Kuala Lumpur. Namun, andainya seseorang itu berusaha untuk memperbaiki dirinya, dan tidak menyerah semata-mata kepada arus kehidupan. dia akan menjadi seorang yang lebih hebat, lebih menyerlah dan lebih gagah mengharungi kehidupannya.

Hari tak selalunya indah, langit tak selalu cerah. Memang, hidupku di Kuala Lumpur menyaksikan betapa sukarnya untuk aku dan sahabat-sahabatku berjuang, perjuangan yang tiada penghabisan. Betapa perbezaan di antara setiap individu itu boleh menjadi penghalang bagi sesuatu kelompok untuk terus kekal bersatu dan berjuang bersama.

Namun, aku hari ini melihat bahawa memori aku di Kuala Lumpur telah membentuk diri aku yang sekarang. Aku bukan lagi diri aku yang dahulu. Aku akan sentiasa berubah, sentiasa menghadapi perubahan.

Tapi, nostalgia dahulu di Kuala Lumpur tetap takkan berubah. Walaupun kenangan yang lalu akan pudar dan terus memudar, bahkan mungkin akan menghilang, sehingga ke akhir hayat akanku berusaha untuk mengekalkannya dan menyimpannya dalam jiwaku.

Aku rindu Kuala Lumpur. Tiada apapun yang bisa kekal di dunia ini melainkan Tuhan Yang Esa, hatta imanku kepada-Nya sekalipun, tidak akan bisa kekal selamanya. Cinta juga tidak akan kekal, segala yang bermula pasti berakhir.

Apa yang kekal? Itulah Tuhan kita semua.

-didedikasikan kepada rakan-rakan seperjuangan-

October 2010

There's nothing much I want to say.

The second semester has begun. Well, the temperature is getting more autumn-like.

As if I know what autumn is like.

Basically I am still alive. I'm fine by that for now.

Prayer 1

Bless her, forgive her, protect her, grant her everything she wishes, and help her, O Almighty Lord.

Don't abandon me when I'm in distress, even when I am being ungrateful, or even when I am lost.

Our Lord, forgive me, forgive me my parents, forgive her, forgive her parents, forgive everyone of our families, forgive everyone of our friends. Verily You are A Subtle and All-Loving.

Our Lord, don't make my heart feel uncertain, and don't test me with unbearable tests.

You are My Lord, Ar-Rauf, Al-Wahid, Al-Latif.

O Allah, don't forsake me, even when I struggled to believe.

Give me a firm place to stand on, give me my daily provisions, give me a heart that grows stronger every and each day.

Grant me the best Ending, don't give me the worst Ending.

You are the Truth, your promises are true, your love is encompassing, your forgiveness is all-reaching.

Forgive me, my Lord, and witness my struggle, verily you are The Judge.

All Praises be to You, and There Is No God But You.

Religion 3

Atheism. What does it mean?

I remember it being Greek, "a" particle denotes the negative and "theos" meaning gods.

So it means, "no God(s)".

Well, I don't know. I was a Muslim, but as of now, I don't know whether I am still one.

I read Quran, I pray, I give alms, and I live my life the Muslim way, but deep inside, I wonder whether I still believe in God.

It's like the shahadah.

I still hold to my second part of shahadah, being "Muhammad is a Messenger of Allah."

But regarding the first part, I don't know.

I tried to convince myself in a lot of ways, to reaffirm my beliefs, but the faith keeps on eroding.

Blame the nihilism that still persists in me. The lack of the sense of my own existence leads me to sometimes think that the whole Creation doesn't exist.

Denying Creation is a grave thing. That means denying the role of God as the Creator and the Ruler.

Well, I have come to one certain conclusion, though. I am a fool. And a sinful one too.

Autumn

The autumn is coming.

Yeah. Quite euphoric about it.

But I am still sad, and feel guilty about lots of things.

It's hard to forgive oneself, especially if one betrays his own principles and ideals about himself.

Well, here comes autumn.

Sudden drop in temperature is one of the early signs. Just a few weeks ago, it was still scorching 35 degrees. Now, it's only 20 something. That's quite a lot.

The rain falls, for a few days in a row.

Sudden increase in falling leaves is also taking place. Well, the sakura leaves are no more for quite a time now.

I need to buy new clothes for the autumn.

Raya Di Perantauan

This year's Raya taught me a lot of things, and made me see things in a different way.

First of all is the hardship of Ramadan.

In Malaysia, it's all easy. There's no summer heat, no longer daylight times, and everyone is cooperating with you.

Here in Japan, it's a different story.

Summer heat, it was torture. I had to go for my band practice during the day, I had to walk in the brisking hot sun, I had to scream at the top of my lungs during practice (I am the vocalist) and after practice, every other band members drank 7-Up.

No wonder when I got home, I just drank up Lemon CC. I didn't care. I am thirsty, Lord forgive me.

Then you have the long daylight hours. At 4, it's already Fajr, and you have to wait till 6.30 something for Maghrib. It's fortunate that the summer is ending, so the days are becoming shorter and the temperature's getting more reasonably low.

Heh, that was Ramadan.

How about Eid?

No takbirs, don't know where to go for prayers, and no usual delicious food.

I ate soba for Eid. Not a good idea.

But yesterday's gathering with fellow Malaysians were fun and delighting. I get to meet a lot of new faces, and I really enjoy the gathering, especially because of the little girls-yeah, I think I'm really a pedophile bastard-putting that aside, it was really fun.

Autumn will come pretty soon. It's not that hot anymore.

9/11

I've had enough with 9/11.

Well, of course it was indescribably a disastrous, tragic and cruel killings of many people who lived and loved.

But, the way Americans treat the incident is now making me feel rather like, I'm so sick of the way they talk about it.

They talk about 9/11 as if it was the cruelest thing that has ever happened. This made me feel angry towards Americans.

Are they ignorant towards the mass killings of the Hiroshima-Nagasaki population, which left both cities in total ruins, and killed much more people?

Or the heavy fighting in Manila that killed 100, 000 Filipinos?

Let's stop the statistics. It doesn't matter how many people got killed. Even if only one person got killed, it will still be a cruel and tragic thing.

But, the Americans, I think, needs to stop using 9/11 as an excuse to preach their beliefs while suppressing other's.

What's wrong with building the mosque?

Yeah, it's wrong. It might propagate the ideals of terrorism, Muslim fanaticism.

Well, the reason why terrorism and Muslim fanaticism happens nowadays is because their so-called enemy, which refers to Americans, support the establishment of Israel, in a Muslim land.

The establishment of Israel itself is a big slap in the Muslim face.

The Muslims just can't let those Jewish have The City of The Dome of The Rock as their capital city. If I were to make an analogy, this would compare to the Soviet Union, or Nazi having New York as their capital.

Well, I don't dare say much. And so many people would disagree.

Dendang Perantau

Well, I made a cover of "Dendang Perantau".

How I Wanted To Kiss You

I hope, even if I don't really believe, Inshallah, in this world, there can be peace.

And I also hope, that even if things wouldn't be the same again, Nur Afila, you would still be happy.

إِنَّمَا أَمْرُهُ إِذَا أَرَادَ شَيْئًا أَن يَقُولَ لَهُ كُن فَيَكُون

'His command is only when He intends a thing that he says a thing, "Be," and it is.'

-Quran, 36:83-

Religion 2

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Today we would like to talk about a not-so-interesting topic called "Goddess Worship".

I would like to warn you that this "Goddess Worship" is a very, very dangerous thing. It can damage your heart, damage your brain, damage your lung, and damage your stomach as well.

Once you're involved with it, there's no way out.

Of course, if everything went well, then it will enhance your capability in almost everything you do. Study, sport, music, et cetera.

However, if it doesn't go according to plan, the consequences are severe.

You might end up an antisocial person who constantly has stomachaches and headaches. You will also lose your appetite, and this leads to loss of weight. You also get angry and sad much more often, and this will result in you having frequent fights and quarrels. You might get suicidal; trying to jump out of the room or slashing your arm can be a frequent thought in your mind.

Worse, you can only blame yourself for all these mess. You started it after all.

"I said don't bug with me, you rookie philosopher!"

What does this thing have to do with religion?

Well, like Quran said: Be careful with girls.

Depression 2

Depression has become a new norm in my life.

I feel it when I am too busy.

I feel it when I have no work at all.

I feel it when I try to sleep.

I feel it the moment I wake up.

I feel it as I bow down in prayers.

I feel it when I take a walk.

I feel it when I'm shopping.

I must be medically depressed. And I can only blame myself for letting myself fall through this mental spiral.

"Geh, stop stalking her already. You're giving me creeps."

"I know that already. You're bugging me, and you ain't no help at all. Go."

I hate this kind of monologue forever resonating in my mind.

Hampa

Bila tengah hampa dan kecewa kerana ada perkara yang berada di luar jangkauan, lagu-lagu di bawah menjadi rekomendasi untuk didendangkan. Skemanya bahasa, rasanya aku sudah tua. Lagu pun banyak lagu lama.

1. Cinta Hampa (d'Lloyd)
2. Kau Pergi Jua (Adam Ahmad)
3. Ku Tak Bisa (Slank)
4. Masihkah Kau Ingat (Kopratasa)

Aku sudah tua.

Religion 1

-W4lr6s 4: Only now I know what my faith is. The worship of the God of Music=Allah! Musical Islam.

W4lr6s 10: What? Don't make me laugh. Weren't you an atheist just moments ago?

Yvvkyr: I think he changed his mind.

Viramstein: Yeah, one day he's a Sunni, one day a Shiite, another day a Buddhist!

Forgetting

It sometimes felt like it just happened yesterday. Other times, it felt like the thing never happened at all.
I wonder if the yesterdays are true, or the whole thing's a very bad, prolonged nightmare.
I wonder if suddenly, I wake up and found out I was still in primary school.
It is possible, that I'm right now writing on a blog that's not actually in existence.
It is possible, that I'm not actually existing; I'm just perceiving my own fake existence.
It is possible, that nothing exists.

Thinking this way, maybe the label "atheist" suits me.
But I don't think so.
This is because I'm not just rejecting God's existence, but the whole Creation's existence as well.
Well, maybe I just reject my own existence.
If I don't reject my existence, I can't forget.

I can't forget her.

But do I really exist?

Dreams 2

Don't know why I have to write about this in my blog, but I had one of the most lucid dreams I've ever had today, while I'm sleeping in a state of thirst. I ain't going into the details.
It's about her again, and I wonder why I had to woke up.

When I woke up, the conscious minds came into play.

"Still?"
"Forget it already, you won't get her anyway."
"Can't you see that the dream is as good only as a dream can be? It won't translate into reality."

I feel down. I hate reality. I hate the truth. I hate both of them, I'd kill them if I could.
As if I can.

One-Side or Both Sides?

There are some situations in which you must listen only to one side of argument and ignoring the other side.

Ok.

Mari aku cerita sikit.

Dalam kebanyakan hal, kita mesti dengar dari semua pihak. Pasal, most of the time, everyone says the truth, only incomplete, due to limited hindsight.
Ada je time ketika ada sorang dua cakap bohong. Ini pun sebenarnya kena ambik kira jugak.

Tapi, ada je situasi di mana kau tak patut dengar apa org lain cakap lepas mendengar satu pihak.
Contoh: Nabi Muhammad dgn Yahudi Madinah.
Dari cerita belah pihak Islam, Yahudi Madinah mengkhianat piagam Madinah, pasal tu mereka diperangi. Dan berakhir dgn semua lelaki dewasa Yahudi Madinah dibunuh.
Tapi kalau kau baca komentari sesetengah ahli sejarah, mereka akan cakap bahawa ini adalah bukti yang Islam itu anti Yahudi. Dan Nabi Muhammad telah melakukan kekejaman dgn membunuh semua lelaki Yahudi.

Ok lah, besar sangat cerita ni.

Satu situasi lagi. Semua orang tepi kau cakap bini kau curang. Bini kau sumpah demi Allah, dia tak curang, tapi semua org lain cakap dia curang. Time tu, apa kau nak buat?

Loved Ones, Far From My Two Eyes

I'm worried.

The news came that my house had been broken into last week. The burglar took away the hand-phone(s? I don't know exactly how many got stolen) and the laptop.
The burglary took place while my family broke their fast. Guess everyone's at the dining table, so no one's hurt. Thank God for that.
But the stolen laptop and hand-phone(s) mean that I'm as of now, out of contact with my family. Well, I have been out of contact with them for these three months, due to a lack of proper internet access in my home (just a few spur of wireless access), but now I basically lost direct contact with them.
Well, should I resort to traditional post-mails?

No wonder I feel so alone.

My loved ones, far from my two eyes.

I'm worried.

Jenuh

-Perkataan 'jenuh'. Jarang orang Sarawak pakai perkataan ini. Biasanya mereka akan guna perkataan 'letih', 'lelah', 'penat' dan sinonim-sinonim serta hampir sinonim kepada perkataan ini.
Tapi hari ini, biar aku gunakan perkataan 'jenuh' untuk menggambarkan keadaan hidup aku sekarang.
Aku berasa betul-betul tua, dan tiada apa yang memberi perasaan dalam hidupku. Aku mungkin senyum, mungkin tertawa, tapi tawa aku tak datang dari lubuk sanubari yang paling dalam. Aku sudah tak pasti lagi.
Jenuh sudah aku memasang harapan. Aku betul-betul tak suka dengan konsep 'harapan' ini. Kalau aku betul-betul manusia, aku perlukan harapan. Tapi aku tak mau mengharapkan apa-apa lagi. Hanya satu sahaja cara untuk berhenti berharap dengan sepenuhnya. Berhenti menjadi manusia.
Tapi itu tak bisa terjadi, bukan?

Girl And Guitar

Pros over a Guitar

1. Guitars are no fun when the power goes down
2. You can't get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4"
5. A guitar won't beg to be played
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive
9. A guitar won't play you back, except in Soviet Russia, where guitar plays YOU!
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it
14. You can't play two guitars at once (unless you are michael angelo baito)
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars don't taste very good.
22. A guitar won't give you head.
23. Slapping a guitar on the ass with a pancake does not give you the same perverse pleasure as when you do it to your girlfriend.
24. Playing a guitar won't make you feel sexy. It will make you feel lonely. And gay. Very very gay.
25. Looking up pictures of guitars on the internet is not as fun as looking up pictures of nude women.
26. Two guitars won't play eachother.
27. You can't watch a guitar play itself.
28. If you date a sexy girl, people will think you're a lucky son of a bitch. If you date a guitar, people will think you're a jackass.
29. A guitar won't be impressed if you fight over it.
30. Running a guitar rental isn't as gangsta as running a woman rental.

Why guitars can be Better

1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers (eight, if you use both hands) at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it
22. Guitars are turned on by you
23. Guitars don't complain about how bad you are at playing a Guitar
24. Fat guitars aren't men they're basses
25. Playing a guitar is fun no matter how old you are.
26. Guitars only have one input
27. guitars dont have control over your every action to the point of you being their pet (noodle)
28. Renting a guitar for a night won't get you in prison.
29. You can play a guitar without getting consent from it.
30. Guys won't beat the shit out of you for playing their guitars.

Saya Seekor Babi

Lama betul tak buat karangan autobiografi dalam Bahasa Melayu. Baiklah, dengan bahasa yang paling baku dan jitu, saya akan menulis sebuah karangan bertajuk "Saya Seekor Babi".

Saya Seekor Babi

Saya adalah seekor babi yang dilahirkan 5 tahun lepas di sebuah ladang ternak berhampiran dengan pekan Selangau. Saya adalah anak ketiga daripada 12 ekor adik beradik yang lahir dari ibu yang sama. Saya tidak pernah melihat bapa saya kerana ketika saya berada dalam kandungan ibu saya, bapa saya telah disembelih untuk memenuhi permintaan daging babi pada musim Gawai Dayak.

Kini, saya tinggal di ladang ternak babi berdekatan dengan Sarikei. Kehidupan harian saya ringkas. Saya bangun sekitar jam 6 pagi untuk menunaikan ibadat tasbih bersama-sama dengan keluarga saya. Setelah itu, saya akan bersarapan bersama-sama saudara-saudara saya di ruang makan pada pukul 8, di mana pengusaha ladang saya akan menyediakan bahan makanan yang sesuai untuk kesihatan kami.

Pada tengah hari, kami menjalankan aktiviti kebudayaan bebas, di mana sesetengah babi akan berbicara mengenai hal keluarga, kepemimpinan ladang, hal ehwal babi dan keadaan ladang. Saya kurang berminat tentang hal-hal seperti ini kerana lazimnya mereka hanya akan membicarakan perkara yang sama setiap hari tanpa mampu mengambil sebarang tindakan yang positif. Walau bagaimanapun, saya tetap akan mengambil bahagian dalam perbincangan ini kerana saya tidak mahu ketinggalan dalam hal ehwal semasa di ladang saya.

Pada petangnya, kami disajikan lagi dengan makanan yang berkhasiat. Setelah itu, kami akan berkumpul bersama-sama untuk aktiviti tasbih. Aktiviti tasbih ini amat penting agar kami tidak menjadi seperti manusia yang tidak bertanggungjawab dalam melaksanakan tanggungjawab mereka. Dalam aktiviti ini, semua kami akan bertasbih dan bertahmid dengan suara yang perlahan-lahan.

Pada malamnya, kami semua akan tidur untuk menjana kembali tenaga untuk keesokan harinya. Namun, saya jarang-jarang dapat tidur dengan lena. Saya kadang-kala terfikir kenapa kami semua dianggap najis yang terkotor sekali oleh sesetengah manusia. Saya juga terfikir mengapa kami semua diternak sebagai bahan makanan oleh manusia.

Saya tidak tahu bila kehidupan saya akan berakhir. Saya berserah kepada Tuhan Yang Maha Esa dalam perkara berkenaan. Adakah saya akan dihinggapi penyakit, disembelih atau dibunuh, saya tidak pasti. Perkara ini amat menyedihkan hati saya selaku seekor babi yang tidak punya kuasa terhadap kemahuan Ilahi. Saya juga punya keluarga, teman dan sahabat yang saya sangat hargai dan sayangi. Saya tidak menginginkan apa-apa pun terjadi kepada mereka.

Setiap hari saya akan melihat pengusaha ladang saya membawa sesetengah daripada kenalan saya ke tempat yang saya tidak tahu. Saya tidak melihat mereka kembali selepas itu. Mudah-mudahan Allah memberkati mereka.

Semoga suara saya didengari Allah hendaknya, dan moga-moga juga ada manusia yang sudi membayangkan perasaan dan kehidupan kami, walaupun kurang tepat dan tidak menyampaikan isi hati kami yang terpendam.

No More Me

There's no more me anymore.

Killing The Devil

I have reached a conclusion.

I need to kill the devil in my heart, and change for good.

But this is a heavy task.

I might fail, the devil might as well kill me instead.

Well, that's Jihad, I suppose.

My Words Stabbed Me In The Heart

I'm so pissed of with myself. I can't believe it. Why did I tell that lie?
It was like, shit, what's wrong with you, what the hell's in your twisted mind?
But, it was too late, to even ponder what exactly did I say, and shit, why did I say those ridiculous things about my friend?

I should have been honest, and just tell her that I need her, and not saying those fucked up, false things about somebody else, and in the end what do I have in my mind? I swear to God, maybe Hell is the only thing that's more torturing.

Why did I lie to get myself heard, am I that desperate? For her to come to my side, or just say that she will come to my side? Hey, Rauf, tell me why are you so fucked up, why did you lie to two persons, why did you make the story up?

You can't be loving her, no, you don't really love her, you only lust for her, and wonder if someday you might end up in bed with her, but then she said she won't be coming to your place, and fuck it, why did you have to lie? And you said things that are completely untrue, and then regret it, fearful it will come back to you. And it did, shit, should I just laugh at you, when you try to cover it up as the guilty ones do?

Now you'll get it, the ample punishment you deserve, and the one who will punish you will be your own super ego, and the friend you might lose, and the love you might lose. And you DESERVE IT! SHIT! Can't I make the things right, now the damage is done?

Now get honest, don't say no half-truths no more, cause you should know, nothing good comes from denying that you're awfully wrong, to say false things about other people's affair, for your own desire, to get a girl inside your bed.

I must get things right.

Fila, what I did tell you the other day, was all made up. It's just a lie. I wanted to persuade you and make you change your mind, so you will stop saying things like you're not going here to Osaka. It is true, the life here feels lonely and hard, but then, Aya wasn't the one who got no real friends, it's me!

Shit, why did I lie to you? Even if life feels so lonely without you, so much it doesn't feel I'm living at all, does it justify me saying these lies to you? I know it doesn't! I'm afraid you will not come to my side, and now I know, with these lies, you will never want to come to my side.

Aya, I really did something terrible. I mention your name because I'm afraid to say it's me. It's my ego, I wanted to appear so great, that I would lie to Fila, because I am too ashamed to say I need her by my side.

I can only blame myself, even if I did feel insecure, I should have never told such a lie.
I can't believe it. And I thought I can tell Fila before Aya knows it. It's too late, and may be I'm sorry because I got caught? Oh shit! Now I can't even tell whether I'm honest or lying.

But still, I need to try to patch things up, and try to say the truth, or I will carry this to my grave.

Truthfully I am sorry. I am sorry. I am really sorry.

Minta maaf, Aya. Minta maaf, Fila.

Pathetic

Pathetic.
The liar part of me shows itself.

Hijab? Part 2

Well, this is not an exact sequel to the post Hijab? Part 1.

But I feel a need to write some things to reassess my religious views.

Last Friday, I have a little chat with one of my friends. It should have been a discussion on how to write reports, but in the end, we end up talking about different things. I've forgotten the details, but what am I going to write here is regarding the things I have talked there.

We discussed about capitalism, theological state ( specifically, Iran), Korean army conscription and Jesus. It's not a debate, we just talked about different points of view, without arguing which one is right, and not really in a serious mood ( you can't get serious when you are eating potato chips as you converse), but I can get some points.

1. Revolution against a system is only effective if you stay out of the system.
2. Capitalism affects everyone, is a way to world peace, but as a side-effect, you can barely fight those who are at the top of the system.
3. Attempting to talk about reports is just a waste of time, you better just write it straight away.

What does all these things have to do with the title?

Well, guess I'm out of topic again.

In My Heart

Just feeling like writing some shit, nothing very much in significance.
How fast time flies us by, no sound, no sign (unless you check your calendars everyday and notice the change in weather and so on) and definitely, no traces left behind.

Four months have passed since I arrived in Osaka. It's now summer, and it's freaking hot, it makes you remember the hazy days in Malaysia when precipitation is very low. Today's a very good weather (of course the day when I write this) and I'm thinking of going out for some exercise in the evening. (Of course this is prior to changes.)

The summer holiday is getting nearer, along with the exams. However, due to the very subjective, never objective nature of my course, instead of doing exams, I have to write some long reports. Well, guess I've to bear with it, and plus, it's quite fun, anyway.

But, I have doubts whether my report will land me good marks, or I will fail due to my Japanese, which still haven't quite reached the university standards.

Well, guess I just have to write them and pass them up. I can only do this much.

I'll try to obtain the highest grade possible.

It's still the first semester, so I don't have to worry much.

Life is tough, and it only gets tougher, and how I wish I can go back to 199, Jalan Pinang.
The address is no more, though. It has been demolished, haha.

Depression

I was depressed. Again.

My head would think of a lot of things, big and small.
But somehow, these days, my mind seems to lose its control, unable to stop thinking where and when I should have stopped. The result, my mind feels burned, continues on thinking while it gets painful, as if my brain is squeezed dry.

This gets worse especially at nights, and no matter what I do, praying, eating, writing, reading-these won't stop my brain from working overload.

Every remedy is temporal, after a while, my brain gets jumped up again, and it can sometimes be very affecting to my behavior.

I've experienced days when I just couldn't write; if I try writing, I'll end up writing in a very sloppy writing, with big, irregular letters, frequent mistakes and repetitions.

I sometimes throw things in my room, books, watch, even guitars.

Beating the wall is a common thing.

Now, I'm getting worried.

Should I get some counseling from doctors?

20

Twentieth birthday.
Sounds weird.
Ok, I'm getting into my mood spiral here.
Tell me, why I was born into this world?
To worship God?
To be judged by God?
And then, failing in every aspect, enter the Hell, made specifically for me?
Hahaha.

Forgive me God.

Language

This is my belief regarding language.

The notion of languages, take for example Malay, English, Japanese, Arabic.....
the notion that these language exists is true.

To some extent.

What extent?

Ok, I believe that every single person has his or her own unique language. Speaking pattern, grammatical usage, word choice, and so on.

In other words, Malay, English, all these languages, are actually a perceived notion.
I call these languages, a perceived common language.

Malay, for example.

Does the way I speak Malay exactly the same as the way others speak Malay?
If you think about it, some people have their very own style, word choice, grammatical usage of speaking. It's not just dialects or accents.

Take the word 'fuck" for example.

You know a video which highlights the way people use that word?
You will notice, that a single word can mean differently in different situations.
Which means, it is possible for a word to mean differently to different people.

I don't use the word 'fuck' very often in my daily speech.
For me, the word is just too harsh on most occasions.
But I am a very harsh writer.
I won't hesitate in writing "these fucking people".
If I am really pissed.
But the same rule does not apply to my speech patterns, and I avoid the word almost totally in my speech.

Others may not have these kind of rule in their speech.
They might be stricter, or looser, or just different.

So what am I thinking is the possibility....
...that not a single person among us....
not even Muhammad....understand Quran the way God does.

And the possibility that no one among the Prophet's followers, understand his word the way the Prophet himself does.

Sounds weird, right?
Just a theory, not proven.

A New Design

Whoa, a new design for my whimsical blog.

But a new design doesn't mean a new heart as well.

Differences

Observe the conflicts happening around you.

Affair 1: A festive.
Side A: Bright cheerful cultural festive.
Side B: Sinful, sexually explicit festive.

Affair 2: Conducting business.
Side C: Right ways of conducting business profitably.
Side D: Lies and treacherous ways of maximising profit.

Affair 3: An attack.
Side E: Self-defense.
Side F: Terrorism.

Affair 4: Criticizing religion.
Side G: We are exercising our freedom of speech.
Side H: They are sprouting words of blasphemy.

Affair 5: A handling on a crime.
Side I: The act is a justified use of force.
Side J: The act is a heavy-handed use of force.

Affair 6: Perception towards those who fell in battles.
Side K: Martyrs who shed blood for our cause.
Side L: Killers who spilled blood of our people.

Affair 7: Debates between the pious and the skeptics.
Side M: Religion is the truth.
Side N: Truth is bigger than religion.

Affair 8: A children`s fistfight.
Side O: P is wrong because he threw things out first.
Side P: O is wrong because he provoked me first.

Affair 9: Ulama and politician.
Side Q: R doesn`t understand the demands of religion.
Side R: Q doesn`t understand the situation we are in.

Affair 10: Quarreling that happens between couples.
Side S: T is cheating on me!
Side T: S is overtly jealous!

Always the same story.

Yet Another Post?

Yet another post would not help save the world, it's just going to fill the internet with another stupid article, and will not precipitate the change I have longed for, for no one concerned reads it, except my friends, and I appreciate that they have came to my blog to read the useless stuff I vented, but I really feel that I can do more to change the situation of the world to a better place.

So, what's been keeping me?

Self desires, I suppose.

Just writing in a blog because it's fairly a risk-free way to tell the world that I am so f$%^ing annoyed with this and that, but in the end, does it change anything?

No.

Can I stop who I feel needs to be stopped, just by typing words in my blog?

No.

I really should take a more drastic action, a concrete action.

No way.

You're just too afraid of making sacrifices, you coward!
You can always go if you really want to go, but there's always another commitment:
Study, work, relationships, et cetera.

You're afraid of losing friends, you're afraid of having to abandon your education, you're afraid of spending your mediocre amount of money, you're afraid of losing the one you love, by making a drastic action.

I honestly am tired of second-guessing myself. But I can't help doing it anyway.

The Jews Are Attacking The Ship

The Jews are attacking the ship.
Call me anti-Semitic.

The Zionist are attacking the volunteers.
Call me an extremist.

The Israelites are attacking the fleet.
Call me a racist.

I don't care what kind of moral standard you hold into.
I don't care what kind of sovereignty are you.
I don't care how beautiful your writings are.

Call me a killer, a deceit, and a liar.

-CALLING FOR A PEACEFUL DISMEMBERMENT OF ISRAEL-

And United Nations, if they are not capable of doing that, should be dismembered to.
To hell with the liars.

The Lie

Our civilization is built upon a big lie.
A big lie.
A big lie.
A big lie.

We are being lied upon, by the governments, by the institutions.
All governments lie.
United States? Lie.
Saudi Arabia? Lie.
Iran? Lie.
Japan? Lie.
China? Lie.
Russia? Lie.
Malaysia? Lie.
Israel? The biggest of all the liars.

All institutions lie.
Comintern? Lie.
UN? Lie.
Antichrist? Lie.
Freemasons? Lie.
Wahhabism? Lie.
Muslim Brotherhood? Lie.
Amnesty International? Lie.

They preach of freedom, but the freedom is a lie.
Free fair trade, only widens the gap between the rich and the poor.
Is freedom of speech equals hurting people`s hearts?
Is being religious equals denying others` freedom?
Is iconoclast Islamic?
They talk about global warming, but the Earth continues to suffer in their very hands.
They talk about purifying religion, but the religion`s name continues to be marred in their `holy` hands.
They talk about democracy, yet they let people die.
They talk about justice, but in reality they are suppressing others, discriminating others, and are biased in their judgment.
They say that they advocate democracy, but they`re autocratic.
They talk about striving to uphold Islam, but they undermine it.

Every institution is crooked.
Democracy is tarnished.
Freedom is being compromised.
Religiosity is questioned.
Textbooks and scriptures are manipulated.

Even the Quran, the Quran that God promised to guard~
~is being manipulated, by people who claims the Word of God as their own.
People who claims to have God by their side.
Since when God can be possessed?
Since when God can be a possession?

Who invented the idea of Ustaziyatul Alam?
Who invented the idea of Imamiyyah?

Since when we are told to be a Sunni, or a Shiite?
Since when we are told to be a Salafi, or a Sufi?
We are told to be Muslims!
We are told to be the witness, to this world, and to be God`s agents!
Khilafah is not a political doctrine as the Islamists, the Qutbists say:
It`s a personal responsibility!

They claim to fight for Islam, jihad fi sabilillah, yuqtalun wa yuqatilun fi sabilillah,
but does Jihad involves inflicting collateral damage?
If they are really fighting for the God, why didn`t they just shoot the Presidents?
Assassination is fairly easy, and involves only the target, on most of the occasions.
Why did they choose to massacre the people instead?

They say that the people chose the Presidents, so they are equally responsible.
This is just shifting responsibility, and you can`t just shift the responsibilities to others!

They fail to see that Muslims and Kuffars are the same Ummah:
Muhammad`s Ummah.

Allah is bigger than anything else.
Bigger than His Religion: Islam.

I have had enough with the self-righteous humans.

وَالتِّينِ وَالزَّيْتُونِ

وَطُورِ سِينِينَ
وَهَٰذَا الْبَلَدِ الْأَمِينِ
لَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الْإِنسَانَ فِي أَحْسَنِ تَقْوِيمٍ
ثُمَّ رَدَدْنَاهُ أَسْفَلَ سَافِلِينَ
إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ فَلَهُمْ أَجْرٌ غَيْرُ مَمْنُونٍ

فَمَا يُكَذِّبُكَ بَعْدُ بِالدِّينِ
أَلَيْسَ اللَّهُ بِأَحْكَمِ الْحَاكِمِينَ

"By the fig and the olive, and (by) the Mount Sinai, and (by) this secure city ( Makkah), We have certainly created man in the best of stature, Then we return him to the lowest of the low, Except for those who believe and do righteous deeds, for they will have a reward uninterrupted, So what yet causes you to deny the Recompense, Is not Allah the most just of judges?"

Quran, Surah At-Tin,95: 1-7

Sibu By-Election

Just a little post......still no announcements?
DAP wins, I think.....

Friday Night....er.....Maybe The Day.....

After Jumaat prayers, I went to the English class. Just to enjoy, not really to learn. Nothing new you can learn there, anyway.

To my surprise, the class was canceled. Oh. Never mind then. I proceeded to sit anyway.

In the class, there were only 3 people. 2 Japanese girls, and a Korean. Well, his name's Kim (I don't remember his full name) and he prefer to be called Jeon (pronounced Jun). He, along with the Japanese girls, whom I don't know of their names, are of the same Department as me-the Department of Letters-and we both started to talk.

We talked about a lot of things, and I was surprised with the amount of general knowledge he has.
He seems to know almost a little bit of everything.

He said that he used to be in the United States-no wonder his English is perfect and sounds American-for a year. Even though it was just for a year, he encountered lots of things there.
Racism, drug abuse, fighting on a daily basis, and so on.

Man, if you want to study in America, based on my Korean friend's experiences, I think you ought to think twice.

We also talked a little bit about religion. Well, he noticed one thing. In this large city, Osaka, there are hardly any churches. (He's a Christian Catholic, by the way)

There aren't any mosque here, either. Unless you call a small house full of kitab fiqh, Quran translations, and halal food a mosque, that is the case.

But the most interesting part of our conversation is regarding the Japanese level of English.
I thought I am the only one in my English class who thinks of this, but he happened to think exactly the same.

Actually, we conversed in Japanese, although we had the option to talk in English. Maybe because it feels better to speak in Japanese? Don't know; it's a mysterious thing.

The contents are roughly these:

"I can't take it! Those Japanese are not speaking in English; they're just pronouncing inaudible things!"

"Why they learn English? To marry the white people, they say. What kind of reason is that?"

"Why they take International Communication, you know? To meet and talk in English with the white people, they say. I can't accept that kind of motivation! I AM a foreigner, too, and I speak English on an almost native level, too. Talk to me!"

"You want to speak English? I can teach you how to f***ing speak in English, you m*******....."

Ok, the last part is in English, and he was so pissed of, that he uttered mother******.

-shock-

And I thought he was a kind of cool, serious and diligent student.

Yes, he is, but he has this kind of side, too.

It was fun talking to him. I enjoyed the conversation very much, so much I didn't realize that one hour had passed.

Through the conversation, I realized one thing. This world is so big, you just can't comprehend everything. Yet, it's also a small one too, that people from very different a background and very far a country can meet and be friends.

The message: Racism is so yesterday.

Hijab? Part 1

I read some news about the issue of burqa in France, and somehow I was reminded on a lot of things regarding my religious life.

Personally, I am skeptical of my own religion: Islam. Despite praying regularly, frequently reading Quran to the point of nearly memorizing the contents in it, and attending a lot of religious classes-we call it "usrah"- I still have many reservations regarding the faith of Islam, Islamic law and Muslim scholars` interpretation-tafsir and takwil-of the Quran, and to some extent, rejecting some of the Hadith.

But I ain`t propagating my personal beliefs to just anyone. Why?

Because I am just a man, who had my own experiences, thoughts and views of life.

So, I ain`t going to enforce my beliefs on anyone.

I can only say it. Or for the most of time, since I am a coward, I just write it.

So regarding the issues of hijab, this is my point of view.

What you do is up to you.

You take responsibility for what you did.

And you must not enforce it on any one else.

We can teach people to wear, and yes,　in Islam, it`s a must,but that`s it.

We can only teach.

Not anyone will agree, and I believe they have their points too.

But I believe in the ultimately personal relationship with God.

You may wear hijab, but God knows what`s really inside your heart.

Why lie to God?

Personality Test...Again?

Hmmm....

Pity The Devil

Petik sikit dari Hadith..........


Iblis berkata : “ Wahai Muhammad, aku tak bisa menyesatkan orang sedikitpun, aku hanya bisa membisikkan dan menggoda,”
Jika aku bisa menyesatkan, tak akan tersisa seorang pun. Sebagaimana dirimu, kamu tidak bisa memberi hidayah sedikitpun, engkau hanya Rasul yang menyampaikan amanah. Jika kau bisa memberi hidayah, tak akan ada seorang kafir pun dimuka bumi ini. Kau hanya bisa menjadi penyebab untuk orang telah ditentukan sengsara. Orang yang bahagia adalah orang yang telah ditulis bahagia sejak diperut ibunya. Dan orang yang sengsara adalah orang yang telah ditulis sengsara semenjak dalam kandungan ibunya.

Rasulullah SAW lalu membaca ayat : “Mereka akan terus berselisih kecuali orang yang dirahmati oleh Allah SWT” (QS Hud : 118 – 119). Juga membaca, “Sesungguhnya ketentuan Allah pasti berlaku: (Qs Al-Ahzab :38). Iblis lalu berkata : “Wahai Rasul Allah takdir telah ditentukan dan pena takdir telah kering. Maha suci Allah yang menjadikanmu pemimpin para Nabi dan Rasul, pemimpin penduduk surga, dan yang telah menjadikan aku pemimpin makhluk – makhluk celaka dan pemimpin penduduk neraka. Aku si celaka yang terusir. Ini akhir yang ingin aku sampaikan kepadamu. Dan aku tak berbohong.”


Entahlah......

A Traveller's Log

One month has passed since I left my not-so-beloved Malaysia for Japan.
Japan is quite a nice place for tourism.......but I am not a tourist.
That's a problem.

Here, there are many things that you have to adapt to. And some, I think, I will never adapt very well. Take, for instance, the toilet. When I go to the toilet, I have a very big problem.

How to wash your butt after you shit?

It sounds rather too rough, innit?

But it's a fact, here, they don't design toilets in the same way as Malaysians.
The toilet doesn't have a pipe in it, you see.
They expect you to use the tissue each and every time you use the toilet.
Imagine that. I tried wiping my butt once with the tissue.
It hurt. I got f***ing scratches on my f***ing butt!
No wonder Islam insists on enforcing Islamic country.
It is to make sure that every toilet has a pipe! That's all.
LOL.

Ok, that's one problem. Another problem is regarding the amount of noise I can make in my room.
On weekends, when I got nothing to do, I grab my guitar and sing.
It was morning, 11 o'clock.
I played my keyboard. Then somebody knocked on my door.
I asked him, what's the matter.
He said people were trying to sleep, so keep my noise down.
Woi! It's 11 already! And you're trying to sleep?
My shit.

Ok, that's a problem, too.

Overall, the people have been very kind and nice. A little bit cold, but nice.
I already made some friends, and they are all very nice people.
Of course it is hard to communicate, as there are a lot of things that I don't understand, but they are very helpful.
There are friends that I can sleep together in class.
I tell you, who the hell is stupid enough to take Latin language classes that is taught completely in Japanese?
Ok, I am stupid enough.
Taking Philosophy, for what? I don't understand what the professor is trying to convey.
Ideas of The World, a very awesome name.....but actually the name should be "English-Japanese Transliteration Class".
When I chose "Discrimination Today"'s class, I didn't expect a class in which we are told that confessing that you're a homosexual is a most wonderful thing.
That's the Faculty of Letters,Department of Humanities.
Weird classes.

Reporting from Minami-Senri, Suita, Osaka.
This is Abdul Rauf The W4LR6S.

Lewat Dan Ponteng

Oh tidak.....aku x masuk kelas da......

Thank You, Dear Bloody Cold Wind

Oh well. Misfortune after misfortune.

First, my newly-bought bicycle was rendered unusable because someone locked and took the keys and disappear-I could not pull out the key, nor could I lock it-and I was forced to pull the bike from the monorail station, and on the way, the tyre blew off.

Second, my umbrella disappeared. I put it in the place the Japanese usually put their umbrellas in. After 1 hour or so, I checked it, and it was gone. Somebody must have mistook the umbrellas as his and took it. Well, just buying a new one would suffice, I thought. But the new umbrella couldn`t withstand the strong wind of yesterday. It was damaged the moment I opened it.

Today, I missed the train on 10.14. Which means I am late for the class. When I arrived at the class, the door`s already closed. I cannot enter the class. So here I am, venting in my blog, wondering if I will be able to escape the Go-gatsu Byo.

Alangkah Ganjilnya Tuhan Itu

The title doesn`t have any connection with the post`s contents.
I`m getting used to the environment here, get to socialise with fellow students, whether locals or foreigners, enjoying the classes (I already know in which class I can sleep) and worrying about my loss of appetite, difficulties in finding halal food, skipping prayers and stuff.

At night, I relax in my room and use my phone to access the internet.

I`m lost.

I can`t comprehend the God`s plans for me.

Which is the reason why I used to hate Him so much.

Not anymore, though,　but I realised one thing.

Nothing lasts forever.

Something that begins has to end.

When will my life end?

I can only wait. Until the Death comes, I will work hard to make ends meet.

First Impressions Of Japan

OK....
This is the first week of me in Japan.
My impression?

Well, Japan is, well, different.

A lot of things are here, things that will make you feel as if in your head, suddenly there`s a traffic jam.

The wrong temperature for the position of the sun.
That`s the first thing you notice. The sun is so high up in the sky and yet, the temperature`s freezing cold.

People here are behaving as if they`re controlled by something.
Just my feeling, perhaps.

Getting halal food is as difficult as answering algebraic fractions without calculator. OK, just order food without the meat and chicken.

Who am I to judge.
Still adapting, hopefully the temperature will rise soon.

Amen.

Hujan, Gelap, Bandaraya KL

Tajuk atas ya sekadar merik sedap bunyik. Xda kaitan pun sebenarnya.
Sebenarnya aku mok kelakar ttg camni kita dalam dunia tuk byk hal yg bulak & x best.
Mun dapat, kw mesti mok semua org suka kw ne?
Aku pun cam ya, mok semua org suka. Tp benda cam ya mustahil.
Nabi pun ada musuh, dboh padahla kita yg x maksum towk. Ni ada jalan.

Tp, kurang2 ne, mun x dpt molah semua org suka pun, asal xda org kelaie besar ngan kita udah. Kelaie apa yg aku maksudkan ctowk?
Kelaie yg xtowk berbait agik.
Lalu putus hubungan semua.
Kelaie cam ya x bagus, malahan mendatangkan mudarat kat dua-dua pihak.

Tp, kita manusia towk, xkan lari dr molah silap. Kadang2 kita x perasan pun silap kita. Org lain perasan, ya masalahnya. Ada org camtowk, ada yg camya.
Bukan semua brg nok kita mok bleh jadik.

Aku towk, problem aku towk, byk juak mun dimikir.
Perasan bagus cgek, kedekut cgek, x friendly cgek, selfish cgek agik.
Ya baruk cket, byk agik rasanya. Malaslah mok padah.

Tp, pasal kita ada problem towk, pasal yalah kita mesti mok berusaha mengikis kenegatifan yg bersarang dalam hati kita towk. Dan kita jgn try menghakim org lain. Org putih madah "everyone's heart doesn't beat the same."
Pepatah madah, "rambut sama hitam, hati lain-lain."
Ya pepatah melayu, tp rambut manusia towk x semua hitam, makinlah hatinya.
Mesti lain nak?

Time towk ari cam hujan-hujan cket. Luar gelap. Tp dah namanya bandar kl, ne ada gelap gilak.

4 Lau Gik

4 lau gik pereh. Pah in milih Tokyo. Jakak Shinkansen malui Osaka.
Ya Rabbi, mei pernah ako nyagkak ako kan milih mejuk ih.
Sai maklah kenah meyagkak takdir Tuhan, ne?

もし俺が机だったら ２

朝早く起きたら、俺はちょっと体が痛くなった。それに、昨日の夢も思い出し、起きなくてよかったのにと思ってしまった。すると、もし俺が机だったら俺のライフはどうだろうかと想像した。

俺が机だったら、役に立てるものになれると思う。机とは人間に使われ、いろんな使い道ができるものだ。たとえば、勉強とか仕事とか作詞、それが机でできる。もちろん、疲れた時は机の上で寝ることができる。
机の上で、絵画ができる。紙はいらない。ただ机に描くだけで、素晴らしい絵を描くことができる。俺がその机として、描かれることは俺にとってもっときれいになれるから、いいことだと思う。

机とは動くことは不必要だ。人間が動かすものだ。飲食も休日も不必要だ。疲れないからだ。人間は動かねばならない。動かないと死ぬ。でも、俺は動くことがちょっといやだ。怠け者だからだ。だから、俺が机だったら、ただ同じところに立てばいい。仕事をせず、食事をせずに生きていけるからだ。もちろん、机は生きるといえるわけではない。

机は感情を感じない。痛み、失恋、怒り、空腹、すべては感じない。俺が机だったら、どんなにひどい傷をつけられても、感じない。それはいいことだなと思う。俺は人間としていつも感情を持って生きている。時にはそれが辛くなって、死にたくなることがある。俺はそれが嫌だ。だから、俺が机だったら、きっと俺の存在はそんなに辛くないと思う。

人間はいつも過ちを起こす。俺だってそうだ。いつも文句を勝手に言ったり、ほかの人のことを考えないで勝手に物事を決めたりする。そして、悪いことをした後、いつも後悔する。恋愛の場合も俺は悪い人だ。”怖いから”というセリフを口実として使って、自分の思いを相手に伝わることをいつも避けている。俺が机だったら、この悩みなんかしないだろうと常に思っている。

でも、今の俺は人間である。人間として様々なことができてうれしいと思う。動くこと、食事すること、感じること、恋に落ちること、いろんなことができる。机だったら、それが不必要だといっても、実は、なぜそれが不必要だというと、できないからだという答えが出てくる。それを考えて、改めて自分のことを見直さなければと俺は思った。でも、自分のことを好くことは俺にとって難しいことだ。だからといって、自分の人生を避けるわけには行かないと思う。だから、俺は自分のことを好くために、今から頑張っていく。

もし俺が机だったら 1

時には考えることがある。もし俺が机だったら、俺の世界はどうなるのかと。

実は、俺はそのことについて、作文を作りたかった。それは俺が日本語の勉強をし始めた時のことである。その時、先生が皆に”もし私が（何とか何とか）だったら”という作文を書かせた。皆がすごく面白かった題を言い出し、俺も負けないように”もし私が机だったら”という題を言い出した。

でも、その後、何を書けばいいのかが思い付かなかったので、その作文を途中でやめた。
そして、先生に出さなかった。

今、日本への出発日を待っているところで、何をすればいいのかがわからない。俺は”もし俺が机だったら”ということをもう一度考え始めた。

そして、今度はブロッグに載せてあげたいと思っている。

出来上がった作文は次回。

O Hometown

O hometown
See you again.
I'm leaving.
Take care.

Republic Of Sarawak

I foresee that in the 21st century, Sarawak will break up from Malaysia.

The people of Sarawak are getting more irritated by what they perceived as "Malaya racism".

Religiously, Christian Sarawakians and conservatively liberal secular Muslim in Sarawak will not be able to cope with the increasingly fundamentalist progressive Muslim government in the Peninsula.

Sarawakians are increasingly alienated by the political climate in the Peninsula.
Bumiputeras in Sarawak do not espouse the Malay supremacy espoused by Peninsula Malays.

The economic divide between East and West Malaysia is getting more pronounced.

The political factor in Sarawak is the Bumiputeras. Malays in the Peninsula doesn't know and understand how Sarawak Bumiputeras think.
Worse, some even looked down on the Bumiputeras.


We Sarawakians are getting more removed from the Malays of Peninsula.
We Bumiputeras don't trust the Malays, because they took away our resources, sold them and used the money for themselves.

Federal Government is slowly becoming an imperialistic force in our eyes.

Somehow, the youths of Sarawak will not accept to be a part of Malaysia.
This is imminent if the Malays continue on with their Ketuanan Melayu concept and rhetoric.

We are getting more different from each other.

Hold The Fort

I hate myself.
Can't stop the feeling, maybe I should have just go and jump from the Igan bridge.
But then, I could not meet her no more.
How despicable this world is.
Is this God's justice?

أَحَسِبَ النَّاسُ أَن يُتْرَكُوا أَن يَقُولُوا آمَنَّا وَهُمْ لَا يُفْتَنُونَ

Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?

(Quran:Surah Al-Ankabut, 29:2)

I am just a man, and I had tasted the feelings of being an unbeliever.
It was bitter.

وَوَجَدَكَ ضَالًّا فَهَدَىٰ

And He found you lost and guided [you].
(Quran: Surah Ad-Dhuha,93:7)

I am going to hold the fort.

Iman

Let's review my aqidah status....
1. Pillars of Faith
a) Allah
-To me, Allah is a God that Hides. He Hides Himself, so sometimes I can't feel His presence.

b) Angels
-Angels, I didn't have any kind of contact with them.

c) The Scriptures
-I still can't understand Arabic much. And ain't interested in reading Bible.

d) Messengers
-Never saw one. Never had a proper conversation with one.

e) The Day of Judgment
-Feels so far away in the future. Hell and Heaven, really couldn't care less.

f) The Destiny
-I blame it on everything bad I've done, and encountered.

2. Pillars of Religion
a) Shahadah
-Read it in prayers, without realizing it.

b) Solat
-Always praying outside of the time, and without concentration.

c) Fasting
-Trouble with the lustful nights.....:-p

d) Alms
-Never pay by own money. Still rely on parent.

e) Hajj
-Don't have enough money, time and courage to do that right now. Not now.

I think, right now, as I am, I am a liberal Muslim. And I don't support Qutbism, I don't support Wahhabism, I don't support Velayat-e-Faqih, or any other theocratic ideology. I don't support the re-establishment of Khilafah.
Islam is, as I saw it, a secular religious way of life.
Why?
Easy.

Because there's the situation called "sah tapi haram."
Sinful, yet valid.

We must accept that Islam is not monolithic.
Islam is a light.
A light will have spectrum.
Conservatives, liberals, fundamentalists, heretics, sects, secularists,
all of these are part of Ummah.
If you can't accept these, you are not Muslim enough.
"Love your brethrens."
Regardless of their ideology.

Because Islam is not an ideology.
It is a way of life.
If you live in a desert but practice the way of the people of the tropics,
you'll die. Period.

The Caning.......

Types of punishment	Syariah law caning	Civil law caning
Cane’s properties	Small-sized cane, not hard enough to inflict wounds	Big-sized cane, hard and inflict injuries
The way to swing the cane	Lift the cane so that there will not be space between the armpit and torso	Lift the cane high in order to inflict painful injuries
Injuries	Not inflicted, because it is forbidden to do so	Inflicted
The caned parts	The back of the body	The buttocks

We are too ill-informed of the Syariah law.......