الاسرار بلبي

اكتب هذا رسالة في هذا اليوم حزنا. رايت امس صورة قديمة من وقتي في مدرسة ثانوية. ثم فكرت و ذكرت اصدقاءي, كل واحد منهم. ثم فكرت علي: ماذا افعل هنا؟ لماذا اكون هنا؟ و من انا؟

.تلك الاسئلة و المسائل يكونون في فكري. ما السبب؟ لا اعرف

الكتاب المقدس

I bought a Holy Bible. It was a bilingual version of English and Arabic, and I'm kind of fascinated with it.

-Of course I found problems as soon as I started reading it. It's inconsistent; did Noah save pairs of all animals, or did he took seven of the animals deemed clean and took pairs of other animals? (I suppose they're the same animals described as al-An'am) It's also problematic; Noah getting drunk, God accepting Abel's sacrifice only because it is meat compared to Cain's vegetables (strangely, God in Bible loves blood), Moses commanding his people to kill an entire race, men and women and children and goats (why must they kill the goats too?) David and his vengeful songs, Jewish supremacy above every other race...blah blah blah.

-And the fact that Muhammad claims to be a continuation of this. No wonder Muslims have to accuse Jews and Christians of falsifying the Scriptures. It is a necessity to do so; but is it true that the Scriptures have been falsified?

-Who cares; Both Bible and Quran got it wrong on human sexuality.

-But Psalm is really nice.

The Night Before Eid Alone

-This year, I'll be spending my Eid far away from home.

-I wonder whether I can look forward to another Eid, or to another year.

-These few months have been harsh. I have to endure my university life this year by myself, because my friend went back to Korea to fight the stupid Korean war (heck-he doesn't even handle a gun right now, much less fighting the Red Comrades), leaving me to study alone, a foreigner ill-fitted in a university too hard and a culture too alien to him. I am not giving up; but I know that my spirits have been dragging me down these few months; I skipped way too many classes, fucked up my academic achievements.

-I also lost belief in religion. I hardly pray anymore; why pray when one doesn't believe in prayers? I also found out more philosophical problems with the Scriptures; the doubts are getting bigger every day, and I wonder if it is just a matter of time before everyone finds out that I am an agnostic. Losing one's faith is hard; it's like your way of thinking got reset suddenly, leaving a blank sheet that you have to fill again with files that are lost; and yet the files that are lost are corrupt, and the mind doesn't accommodate them as easily as it used to be; sometimes it was rejected outright.

-My life as a man is not progressing anywhere. I am getting tired of the lonely nights, I am getting tired of all the routines, I am getting tired of being myself. And yet I don't desire change too, for I am afraid of changing anything, I am afraid of change. My life is completely in a box right now; There are no new opportunities that matter, no new goals to fulfill, and my old dreams are disappearing with time. Well, Time can as well go to Hell, for both of these don't exist to me.

-I wonder if I can regain my spirit next semester. Well, this semester is lost; I think I am not writing the reports; I am going to let them slide.

A new composition. I wonder if anyone listens.