Goodbye IBT

What a day.
Graduation ceremony's over.
The song went pretty well, so happy nothing went wrong.

But this thing means that my time in IBT is over.

The things that I never knew before, I learned here.
The friends that I never met before, I met them here.
The sun that I never knew existed, I saw her here.
It's quite sad, to leave these all behind.

But I am going to take the memories along with me.

Just like a dream, and it's over.
Nothing, really nothing but God, lasts forever.

Tafsir al-Jalalayn

By Time! — or [it ‘asr can mean the period] from the declining of the sun to sunset, or [it may denote] the afternoon prayer.

By time, Indeed, mankind is in loss, Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.

Al-Quran, 103:1-3

Face Reader

Messy, depressed, introverted, feels invisible, does not make friends easily, nihilistic, reveals little about self, fragile, dark, bizarre, feels undesirable, dislikes leadership, reclusive, weird, irritable, frequently second guesses self, unassertive, unsympathetic, low self control, observer, worrying, phobic, suspicious, unproductive, avoidant, negative, bad at saving money, emotionally sensitive, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, submissive, daydreamer.....

I took a face reader test, gave my photo and these are the results......which I found out to be mostly accurate.....unfortunately....

These Days

It's almost over now.
These days, I feel quite lost.
Emptiness is quite dreadful, innit?

Empty Chest

I don't know anymore.
What should I do to fill the empty chest?
Hugging my pillow? Praying the whole night? Talking a walk, feeling f**king lonely and miserable?
Well, I guess this is life.
In exchange for relatively a genius learning brain, I have little talent for real life.
F**king miserable, unhealthy body, dirtied minds, impure heart.
A fool. A maniac. A loser. An unbeliever.
A writer who can't put it into spoken words.
That's what I thought of myself, indulging in self-pity, unable to blame anyone.
But if I were to continue thinking like that, I'll really become one.
This is my dilemma. Stuck, frustrated, emptied, broken, weathered.
Just like a big shit. F**king miserable. F**king shit. F**king everything.
It's just a big, f**king world out there, and it feels like I'm the only one with these feelings, despite of everything I saw, heard and believe.
F**king, easily broken technologies don't help me feel better at all.
F**king pictures of me remind me of my ugliness.
F**king miserable. Shit. Shit. Piss it.
Piss on everything I hate.
I hate. I hate. I HATE!!!!!!!!!
Well, Love alone can save me, but does Love exists?
Just like the Lord Allah.
Yes, exists He is, but I can't feel it sometimes.
At the times I need to feel Him the most.
Just like Love.
Locking my heart, and not promising.
These feeling sucks.
F**k!F**k! F**K!!!!!

Wai, wai.....

"Woi, melai atang mei temu."

"Ek, atang ji. Nou dengah?"

"Debei nou-nou. Samah mak. Debei gerek, didak kerejah, selalu menak kerejah paloi, salak keman, alu gastrik. Bak call apak mak tang kubu, mei tao nou bak diitir. Bak kelakar nang sakai, mei tao bak kelakar nou. Bak mesej nyin, mei tao nyin bbales ka mei aluk, dahla kghedit mubei ji...."

"Nang alah kaau yu. Tijou tukang mudip alil. Nawan bik nasihat, mei luk taah, marah-marah. Nawan mei lalek kaau, kaau tao sunyi indah."

"Nou ubak kaau?"

"A, a, pilak, atang ji ubak kou. Cuba kaau kak marah siing. Mun bak ubak paloi aluk kaau marah, tapi nang paloi ji, bak mudei kubah gaya?"

"Mei buh la kelakar alah dun ji. Sasik pilak in ji."

"Mei buh disasik kaau lou ih. Just some pathetic shit trying to get some f***ing attention."

"YANG KAAU IH KELAKAR KASAR ANGAI HAL AKOU IH BEKNOU? BAK BERDALOU KENAH! BUKUT ALUK NANGIH, CONGEK, DEBEI GUNAH LALU!"

"CUBA A! BUKAN KAAU KENAH BBUKUT AKOU!"

"BEKNOU? BAK KEBES KAAU IH! T*K*I! PALOI! LEMBIK!"

"KAAU............!!"

And they fight, but no one can see, because they are just one same person, having to deal with homesickness......

Depressed

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	High
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Those are my results....

The Issues Regarding The Usage of Name "Allah" Part 3

They have certainly disbelieved who say, " Allah is the Messiah, the son of Mary" while the Messiah has said, "O Children of Israel, worship Allah , my Lord and your Lord." Indeed, he who associates others with Allah - Allah has forbidden him Paradise, and his refuge is the Fire. And there are not for the wrongdoers any helpers.
They have certainly disbelieved who say, " Allah is the third of three." And there is no god except one God. And if they do not desist from what they are saying, there will surely afflict the disbelievers among them a painful punishment.
Surah Al-Maidah.....Al Quran 5.72-73

Say, "He is Allah , [who is] One, Allah , the Eternal Refuge, He neither begets nor is born, Nor is there to Him any equivalent."
Surah Al -Ikhlas.....Al Quran 112:1-4

Of course Islam rejects trinity, and divinity of Jesus (Isa), as stated above....
...but I did not see a verse in Quran saying that we Muslims must prevent others using the name Allah.

And we Muslims, are NOT, I repeat, NOT in any circumstances, even in wars, I repeat, EVEN IN WARS, to attack any religion's worship buildings. We are instead required to PROTECT, NOT ATTACKING them. Those who do the contrary, has broken the law, be it civil law, or Islamic law......

Plus, in East Malaysia, church services are conducted in Malay. Me, a Melanau by ethnic, have many first cousins and friends who are Christian, be they Catholic, Methodist, SIB, or such.....they, for a very long time, used the term Allah!
There is no single word in Melanau language, and perhaps other Bumiputera language as well, that could translate "Allah", or "Tuhan", or "God", or even "Dewa" properly.
Say, Melanau.....Ipok? That's "semangat" in Malay.
Iban.......Betara? More like Malay "dewa".
Even Tuhan will not suffice. Why? Because they are used to the word Allah, and substituting it with 'Tuhan' will be downright awkward.

And these "No Allah for Non-Muslims" say that Muslim aqidah (faith) will be confused.
I wonder, whose faith will be confused.
Muslims who understand their religion properly....or those who don't?
This "confusing Muslims" excuse, are just an excuse to close Muslims' eyes towards the neglect of mualafs (Muslim new converts), the loopholes and weak parts in Pendidikan Islam education systems, errors in our Muslim authority systems and our "state religion" concept itself!

For me, as a Muslim, rather than wasting time and effort to prevent Christians or any other religion from using "Allah", we the Muslim as a whole must strengthen the Islamic education. Strengthen our faith, and it won't sway so easily.....
Heheheh.....too Islamic?

The Issues Regarding The Usage of Name "Allah" Part 2.

Sahih International

You will surely find the most intense of the people in animosity toward the believers [to be] the Jews and those who associate others with Allah ; and you will find the nearest of them in affection to the believers those who say, "We are Christians." That is because among them are priests and monks and because they are not arrogant.

-Al Quran, Al Maidah 5: 82-

Three churches under attack.
Whoever attacked the churches, I don't care.
However, they must remember one thing.
We, Muslims, under any circumstances, even in wars, must NOT attack churches.
We are to PROTECT the churches.
Quran said this. Not me.
Plus, we are not even in a war!

Really. Stupid Malays think that the Heaven belongs to them alone.
Heaven, God, Quran, all these things belongs to no one but He Himself.
They, the so-called pious Muslim Malays, said that they are protecting the sanctity of Allah's name.
They said, they fight for Islam.
Well, let me tell something.
These actions are defaming Islam instead.
Stop these, don't let this thing escalate further.

Pertanyaanku

1. Mengapa aku dilahir sebagai manusia? This makes me subject to the reckoning in Mahsyar.

2. Mengapa masa mesti berlalu? This separates me from the ones I loved,

3. Mengapa aku harus meningkat dewasa? Kedewasaan menjadikan aku lebih banyak berfikir bukan-bukan, membawa lebih banyak kesilapan dan mendatangkan nafsu yang tak wujud dalam kanak-kanak.

4. Mengapa aku dilahir lelaki? Ini merunsingkan aku apabila aku perlu memikul tanggungjawab sebagai ketua keluarga kelak-walhal kepemimpinan aku lemah.

5. Mengapa ada dosa, mengapa ada pahala, mengapa ada syurga, mengapa ada neraka?

6. Mengapa Allah, Tuhan kita, memerintahkan kita beribadat padanya?

7. Mengapa Allah menciptakan Iblis?

8. Mengapa Iblis yang ditakdirkan Allah untuk takbur dan enggan sujud pada Adam?

9. Mengapa aku harus berfikir semua ini?

Ya Allah, mengapa?
Engkau yang memegang hatiku.

10. Mengapa aku, Kau takdirkan, untuk suka kepada dia?

Ini ujian-Mu?

11. Mengapa Engkau ingin mengujiku?

Untuk menguji imanku?

12. Mengapa Engkau jadikan manusia sebegitu, punya akal, punya nafsu, punya hati, punya iman yang bergejolak?

Oh Tuhanku Yang Maha Pemurah!
Soalan-soalan ini menyeksa diriku.

Demi gadis yang aku sayang.

13. Mengapa aku sebegini?

The Issues Regarding The Usage of Name "Allah"

وَّيُنْذِرَ الَّذِيْنَ قَالُوا اتَّخَذَ اللّٰهُ وَلَدًا

[18:5] وَيُنذِرَ ٱلَّذِينَ قَالُواْ ٱتَّخَذَ ٱللَّهُ وَلَدً۬ا

[18:5] And that it may warn those who say, ‘ Allah has taken unto Himself a son.’

مَا لَهُمْ بِهٖ مِنْ عِلْمٍ وَّلَا لِاَبَآٮِٕهِمْ‌ؕ كَبُرَتْ كَلِمَةً تَخْرُجُ مِنْ اَفْوَاهِهِمْ‌ؕ اِنْ يَّقُوْلُوْنَ اِلَّا كَذِبًا‏

[18:6] No knowledge have they thereof, nor had their fathers. Grievous is the word that comes from their mouths. They speak naught but a lie.

قُلْ هُوَ اللّٰهُ اَحَدٌ

[112:2] Say, ‘He is Allah, the One;

لَمْ يَلِدْ ۙ وَلَمْ يُوْلَدْۙ

[112:4] لَمۡ يَلِدۡ وَلَمۡ يُولَدۡ

[112:4] ‘He begets not, nor is He begotten;


And some people say, if we allow the Christians to use "Allah" as the name for their Lord,
some Muslims will be confused.

I wonder, what kind of Muslim will be confused?
For me-lah, I think that it's better to make our Pendidikan Islam, or anything like that, more Quran-oriented.
Plus, our God, Allah, is just too Big, just too Great to be ours only. If we do not believe that Allah is ALSO the Lord for the Christians, Jewish, Buddhist, whatsoever, can we really call ourselves Muslims.

But, regarding the situation, it's better for the Majlis Raja-Raja to act.

Malays are stupid (don't they understand Quran better?), that's why.

Sorry to be so blunt.

O Cameller

I got this from an Iranian song I've heard...

ای ساربان
ای ساربان ، ای کاروان ، لیلای من کجا می بری ؟
با بردن لیلای من ، جان و دل مرا می بری.
ای ساربان کجا می روی ؟ لیلای من چرا می بری ؟
ای ساربان کجا می روی ؟ لیلای من چرا می بری ؟

در بستن پیمان ما ، تنها گواه ما شد خدا
تا این جهان ، بر پا بود ،این عشق ما بماند به جا
ای ساربان کجا می روی ؟ لیلای من چرا می بری ؟
ای ساربان کجا می روی ؟ لیلای من چرا می بری ؟

تمامی دینم به دنیای فانی، شراره عشقی که شد زندگانی
به یاد یاری خوشا قطره اشکی ، به سوز عشقی خوشا زندگانی
همیشه خدایا محبت دلها به دلها بماند ،بسان دل ما
که لیلی و مجنون فسانه شود حکایت ما جاودانه شود

تو اکنون ز عشقم گریزانی غمم را ز چشمم نمی خوانی
از این غم چه حالم نمی دانی
پس از تو نمونم برای خدا تو مرگ دلم را ببین و برو
چو طوفان سختی ز شاخه ی غم گل هستی ام را بچین و برو
که هستم من آن تک درختی که در پای طوفان نشسته
همه شاخه های وجودش ز خشم طبیعت شکسته

ای ساربان ای کاروان لیلای من کجا می بری ؟
با بردن ، لیلای من ، جان و دل مرا می بری. ای ساربان کجا می روی ؟ لیلای من چرا می بری ؟
ای ساربان کجا می روی ؟ لیلای من چرا می بری ؟

Translation :
Oh you cameller, oh you caravan! Where are you taking my Leili?
As you take my Leili with you, you take my heart and my soul along,
Oh you cameleer, where are you heading to? Why are you taking my Leili along with you?
Oh you cameleer, where are you heading to? Why are you taking my Leili along with you?

As we avowed our love, no one witnessed but our Lord,
As long as this world is revolving, may our love live,
Oh you cameller, oh you caravan! Where are you taking my Leili?
As you take my Leili with you, you take my heart and my soul along,
Oh you cameleer, where are you heading to? Why are you taking my Leili along with you?
Oh you cameleer, where are you heading to? Why are you taking my Leili along with you?

All the religion I practiced, in this mortal world, turned into a sprickel of love, annd that became my living,
How good it is to shed a tear in the memory of a lover, how good it is to live, as you are burning with love,
O,God, I pray to you so thay always love stays in the hearts, as ours do
Because the story of Leili and Majnoon become a fiction, but ours becomes immortal,

Why you are running away from my love now? Why you are not reading the signs of dispair through my eyes?
The way I feel sad you have no clue,
I will not survive after you, I swear to God, so stay and confirm the death of my heart and then leave,
As a mighty storm, pick the flower of my being from the branches of sorrow and leave,
Because I am that one tree that stays in the way of strom,
The same tree whose branches are all broken by the anger of nature,

Oh you cameller, oh you caravan! Where are you taking my Leili?
As you take my Leili with you, you take my heart and my soul along,
Oh you cameleer, where are you heading to? Why are you taking my Leili along with you?
Oh you cameleer, where are you heading to? Why are you taking my Leili along with you?


-Mohsen Namjoo-