Thursday, December 31, 2009


I've been wondering.

Who the hell propagated the whole idea of celebrating the new year's eve?

Tonight's the full moon. Spells trouble, I guess.

2010. Well, guess we ain't getting younger.

Feels older, feels sicker.

New technologies. New tragedies.

I feel the need to vent in my blog.

Loneliness. A fairy is leaving away.

No, no, no, no messages received.

Starting a new year doesn't mean starting with a new heart.

Cry with no tears.

God will only laugh. Quite cruelly.

Yet, I must worship Him. Continuously.

I'm 20. Oh well, no wonder I can't see as clearly as before.

Oh well.

Sunday, December 27, 2009


You remember every little dream you saw in your sleep?

I don't.

I remember when I was a child, I used to dream of being in a field countless times.
I also dreamed of myself falling from tall buildings or bridges a lot of times.

As I grew up, I developed an ability to prolong or continue my dreams, and often creates dreams out of my own desire. Often, they are fantasy stories, fictional and me getting uninvolved in the storyline,just watching.

Yet, sometimes, this isn't the case.

One time I dreamed of an encounter with a white being, faceless and long-haired.

One time I dreamed of having an earring on my left ear.

Many times I dreamed of being naked.

One dream, the moon is so big in the sky, ten times the usual size.

I dreamed in Melanau, Malay, English and Japanese.

I dreamed of massaging J**'s feet, and holding F***'s arm and over her shoulder.

I dreamed of dogs biting my feet.

I dreamed of me having a better voice, I dreamed of hearing completely original new songs, and me praying in a Shiah Jafari fiqh way.

Is there a meaning to every single thing that I dreamed?

Or is there nothing at all?

O Allah, The Lord of Dreams.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Oh Sibu, And The Money That Flies Away

Back in Sibu.
The town of the ordinaries.
Yesterday, I missed the morning flight.
Goodbye dear plane.
Bought a new ticket, boarded the evening flight instead.
Must complain about the differences between the prices.
KL-Banda Aceh=RM200 something.
KL-SBW= RM756.
How can this be acceptable?
Just accept it. You don't want it, establish your own low-fare flight business.
Then, become rich.
Be a Datuk.
Marry N** A*****.
In your dreams.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Me, The Devil and Another Devil

"Menak udik."

"Nou kaau menak unei?"

"(censored) ee?"

"Hei, biek noula alah ih....yuu yuu....."

"Ako dah ubak, kak, mei sayak!"

"Pidan ji kaau ubak?"

"Yuk bah, mei tuing ji!"

"Sabei. Dei senged? Atang a lil kaau ih....."

"Sai a lil? Ako?"

"Mo a. Yai agik?"

"Nang selaka kaau ih......semadi mak ako ngenang kaau ih....."

"Anou? A part of your ownself?"

"Sigah atang. Debei a kerejah kik?"

"Gan bei. Kaau mei kerejah, ako mei kerejah. Senang.
Aku kan engkau."

"Nang saji bak buyak bukut kaau ih.......dah agik! Malas bak melayan kelo duah ih!"

Now, the question.
Where's the another devil?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Stranger

Today was a busy day.
I woke up very early today, around 5 o'clock or something.
Took a bath, prayed, bought some food.
Then I went to UPM, in Serdang, to take the JLPT.
Man, it was really tiring, taking both the Level 1 and 2.

When I arrived in the test site, I was greeted by a large crowd of test takers.
I got to meet and spoke to my dearest kouhai (actually somewhere between crush and unrequited love.....but that ain't the point here) before taking the exam.
Man, it was so hard.

In the morning, Level 1.
In the evening, Level 2.
No rest at all.
Man, it was really a bad day.

After the exams, I went to my friends' house. Dinner and stuff.
We watched the tv. Such terrible news they had on the tv.
Man, it was so bad, so unlucky to have such news.

Then, we watched some kind of stupid reality shows.
I just watched, and laughed at the stupidity of the contestants.
Man, how bad can it be.

Heading back to the hostel, I thought.
I am here, a stranger in a foreign land, where they speak a different tongue.
How much longer must I hold on before the happiness come?
Oh Lord, my sweet Lord,
Help me.

My sweet love, lovely kouhai,
Can't you see?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


でも、やりかけたが、 途中で止めちゃった。

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Dear Lord In Heaven

Dear Lord, Dear Lord In Heaven
The Most Glorious, The Soft, The Unknown
Hear Me O Lord.

Hear Me O Lord
In My Plight You'll Be
Hearing Me, Seeing Me
As I Walk To My Goal.

To You Is The Final Goal
To You, The Eternal.
To You Is The Final Point
To You, The Eternal.

Dear Lord Thy Providence
Thou Hast Provided Me
The Provisions,
Yet Dear Lord
I Ask For More.

More And More Each Day
As The Road Turns Ugly.

O Lord The Mighty Lord
The Creator Of Desires
Let Not Lust Befall Me.
Let Not Sorrow Befall Me.

Keep Me In Thy Hands.
O You The Judge.

Keep Me In Thy Eyes.
O You The Overseer.

Protect Me From The Pain
Of Being Unloved And Being Forsaken.
Dear Lord, The Only One.

I Am No Noah
I Am No Abram
I Am No Moshe
I Am No Yeheshua
I Am No Muhammad.

But I Wish To Be The Best Of Myself.
Help Me, Mine Lord.

Only In Thou I Confide
Only In Thou I Beseech.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


-Kadang-kadang, bei kawak ako naseng bak merasa naseng bergerek.
Ako ih ngak 19 tahun. Ako ngak selalu angai pilak sakai-sakai ko bergerek.
Berdating, mapun shopping mall, keman-keman, pelik mesej, didak ageilah im menak.
Kelilahan ako kepilak gejiyen.

-Tapi mun ako bak bergerek, meikan ako bak bergerek ngan merou sebareng-bareng.
Ako bak serius, bak mencurah sepenuk ati wang hubungan ako aluk. Mei luk la ako pilak hubungan ako majih alah im mak mei labik penikah. Cukup la sabei ati ako hancur sekali.

-Pasal ati ko ngak hancur sekali, ako mei kenah agei senuka merou alah sabei. Sabei nang optimis sekali, ajau ih dah berati-ati. Ako ngak senuka a merou jakin ih, naseng ko mei luk la hal sabei berulang udik.

-Lagipun a merou jakin ih mei alah merou yang ako senuka sabei. Merou a sabei jiyen, mei luk lalu bak kepilak jawai ko. Merou jakin ih, agei layan ako diak angai, nuan jumik naseng alah ako istimewa bagi im. Kali ako sekader perasan, tapi ako nang suka angai yen diak ngan ako alah ih.

-Pasal im lah ako medut bak pubak tang yen ako suka yen. Ako medut yen murau keman ako, peres ako japah-japah alah merou a sabei. Ako mei yakin ako cukup diak, cukup dao gaya, dao niman bak jadin gerek im.

-Tapi ako ngan im mei didak masa agei. Ako mei paut agei majih tijou tang IBT. Dah majih tijou aluk, mei kenah la bak ako bertemu im agei. Susah angai bak bertemu udik. Mun ako mei pubak, ako medut nyesel.

-Nou bak ko menak? Kubah gaya kediak ji? Mei taola. Kelilahan ji.

When I See You

-Well, I'm too young
Too naive to see
That the world is just so cruel

-Heaven is real
And Hell is real
But I really long for my home.

-When I see you
You smile
And make me feel
What can I do to make you smile?

-When I see you
You smile
And make me real
That the world's more than just a big lie.

-And it's a fact
That to be stronger
You have to forsake your own past.

-And I am here
Among the strangers
Who speak a different language.

-When I see you
You smile
And make me feel
Don't you know you make me young again?

-When I see you
You smile
And make me real
To be happy is to be brave.

-When I see you
You smile
And make me feel
I'm so glad to be able to meet you.

-When I see you
You smile
And make me real
That God's love is the strangest after all.

~for dearest kouhai....

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Cynical Mind part 1

-The week of panic has come.

I can not sleep.

Mixed feelings overwhelm me.

Some may say:

"Lord won't burden you with something you can't bear."

That ain't the point.

It's not whether I can bear it or not.

But the question is:

"Why must he test us?"

To make sure that Hell got it's share of people?

Yes, I suppose.

Glory be God.

Hope I won't end up in Hell.

P:S-We don't realize it, but sometimes we hope that someone will go to hell for their sins.
Human's nature is to hate. We just can not love everyone.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Uncertainty

In Quran, there's a verse.

-Your Lord has not forsaken you, nor is he displeased.

Regarding my situation now......
Maybe Lord God has not forsaken me, but is he pleased?

Last Friday, I was so scared.

I found out that visa and passport photos were different in size. So after the class, I went to Mid Valley hurriedly to take visa-sized photos.

But misfortunes befallen me.

I got lost on my way to the parking space.
Then I lost the parking ticket.
Next, I got lost on my way back to IBT.
Worse, the bike I borrowed from my friend suddenly had a problem.
The engine shut off in the middle of the traffic jam.

I was terrified.

"Lord, what the fuck?"
"At this time when I'm in a big hurry?"

I could not turn the engine on again, even after trying many times.
It was very much like hell.

"Why at this time...."

I thought if I don't send in the photos, I will not be able to go to Japan.
I remembered my promise to myself.
I remembered my friends who have been dismissed from IBT.
I remembered my parents, my family.
I remembered my friends.
I remembered my dear kouhai.
I remembered my past.
I was scared.

"Lord, help me, what should I do?"

I panicked, didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered the phone.
I ignored the phone because I was on the road, riding the bike.

I called my friend.
He said he'll fetch me up.

Lucky Mid Valley and IBT are nearby.

My classmate saw me and I said to her about the bike.
I was panicked, so I ain't sure what I said.

Then my friend, who owned the bike turned up.
Seeing him, I hurried to the IBT.

Guess I was lucky, Bonda gave me time until Monday to finish the forms.

But I am still shaken.

Help me Lord.

No matter how much I despise being your servant, I am helpless without you.
Please Lord.

-"And say: "Work (righteousness), soon Allah will observe your work, and His Messenger, and the Believers, soon you will be brought back to the Knower of what is hidden and what is open, then will He show you the truth of what you did."-Quran, 9:105

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


How to start? a new blog, yokattanjanai.....

"By the Time,
Verily, Humans are in deep loss."
Quran, Al Asr, 1-2.