Friday, December 27, 2013

سمع الله

-Bulan Disember 2013. Musim dingin sudah menziarahi Jepun, dan kesejukan ini merosakkan kesihatanku. Batuk-batuk selalu. Tesis graduasiku masih di dalam proses; aku sudah hampir tiada masa, namun progres baru mencecah 40 peratus. Alangkah susahnya menulis 50 helai muka surat.

-Dalam kepala aku bingung. Sebelah hemisfera runsing tentang kandungan tesis; sebelah lagi memikirkan keadaan negara ibu pertiwi. "Hidup Melayu!" "Hentak Syiah!" "Kristian jangan guna kalimah Allah!" "Pertahankan kebebasan agama!" "Mari merusuh!" Semua orang ingin bergegak gempita; aku pun mahu ikut bersama. Tapi kecut perut dan tak ada telur untuk berbicara. Jadi graduan pergi luar negara pun tarak guna. Ambil ilmu yang kalau aku bilang di Malaysia akan menjadikan aku sama ada banduan penjara, orang keluar agama, ataupun pengkhianat raja dan bangsa; apa guna? Celaka punya manusia.

-Dalam pada itu, aku berfikir. "Cuba mun aku bei mem. Dating mei buh lalek hal nawan." (Kalaulah aku berpacaran, berjanji temu tak perlu risau tentang orang lain) "Oh pacaranku, would you let me do you? Fuck me. Lul." Ini bukan pemikiran orang waras. Aku gila barangkali; mungkin aku harus membuat kacau sedikit untuk melampiaskan gilaku. Dan menjadi feymes at the same time. Hehehehe.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Persecution

-It is not a good time living in a Muslim society now.

-The reason is because of the tensions mounting due to changes unprecedented in the society as a whole, with the borders and the rights, as well as the status quo being rewritten, for better or for worse. C'est une moment historique; This era's gonna come down in history, hopefully as the renaissance of the Muslim civilization; but first one has to deal with the religion that calls itself Islam, the religion that becomes the ultimate final barrier that precludes the renaissance, due to some negative aspects of it that renders the believers and the society static in their state of mind, unable to handle democracy in its fullest form, unable to accept the changing reality and accommodate new knowledge that supersedes the established knowledge; the barrier needs to be dealt with, and I see only one way that this could happen; violence.

-But perhaps the neo-Muslims; namely, the new, progressive, democracy-loving, peace-loving, more forgiving, less judgmental, less rigid, rationalist and modernized Muslims who adhere to contemporary values instead of conservative values, might be able to learn from history and avoid from doing things the hard way. I don't know, I am not sure. I am an agnostic, my moves are limited.

-I smell persecution in the air. May God protect the minorities. But then again, is God real? And if He is, will he take care of the minorities? If only I were braver.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Sunday, September 15, 2013

I Miss You

-I can see that my life has been put on halt these few years. It's getting more detrimental to my life to be stuck in the same page over and over again; I had lost countless opportunities due to me being unable to grasp them at the right time and too afraid to take them. Perhaps it's about time I give up and move on with life as a common man; you know, settling down for reality, giving up on my dreams and ambition, graduating and getting a job, being an adult.

-Perhaps I should be working for the government; my anti-UMNO ideology can go in the drain and be flushed in the toilet. Adulthood is about being hypocrite to survive the game without getting hurt. I won't go around saying down with the government anymore; one requires zest and courage to do that, of which I have neither.

-I've been thinking that if I go back to Sarawak, I'm never getting out again; I'll live in Sarawak, work in Sarawak and die in Sarawak. If there's a line of fate that says I'm going out again, then why not? But I think that's fairly unlikely. I should just take a humble profession; you know, academic achievements really matter little at this point if you don't have a job. This ain't no school.

-Perhaps it's safe to assume I won't see most of my friends ever again after graduation. That's normal; that's life; I haven't met Eugene in 6 years, the last time I saw Jesielyna's face was 6, 7 years ago; not to mention those in my childhood years. I've only met Cosmas, Asri, Paul, Luqman during my last time in Sibu, which is months ago. It is going to be a lot harder to meet your old friends. One takes console in the fact that we always meet somebody new; we get new jobs, we go to new places, and there's always people to meet. But is it going to be the same? No. But perhaps I'm getting too emotionally attached.

-I'm starting to get the reason why father always insists on going back to his village on Raya. Because you get homesick; because you miss your friends and families; if you can do it all the time you'd do it; but one always finds himself being constrained by space, time and money. I wonder if people miss me too the way I miss them. I wonder if they'll be able to accept me for who I have become and not just for who I was. It's a constant fear and dilemma.

-I really, really, really miss you.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Tali Tuhan (Ikhwan Melawan Tentera)

"Berpeganglah kamu kepada Tali Allah dan janganlah kamu berpecah-belah..."
Ayat ini menjadi punca mengapa umat Islam tidak mempunyai kebolehan untuk menangani perbezaan politik, dan mengapa demokrasi sukar dicapai di negara-negara Islam.

-Seseorang yang telah mempelajari Sirah Rasul, dan telah mengkaji maksud dan penuturan Kitab Quran harus mengerti bahawa peribadi Muhammad Rasul pembawa agama Islam, sifat agama Islam sebagai agama yang kamil, dan juga peristiwa-peristiwa yang membentuk sifat beragama agama yang dipanggil Islam, adalah bersifat politik dalam banyak segi. Sekiranya dipandang semua kejadian-kejadian yang berlaku di antara umat Islam Madinah dan golongan yang memerangi dan diperanginya dari kaca mata yang tidak dipengaruhi oleh akidah Islam, maka akan dapat dilihat bahawa politik Rasul merupakan sesuatu yang bergerak demi kesinambungan agama; Rasul memerangi golongan Yahudi yang dilihat mengancam kesinambungan daulat politik Islamiyah, dan menghukum mereka dengan hukuman buang negeri dan hukuman bunuh secara kolektif. Semua ini untuk membina sebuah negara yang dipanggil Madinah al-Munawwarah; negara yang tidak boleh mempunyai golongan yang menentang kepimpinan Nabi; Nabi memerintah secara autokratik dengan mandat ketuhanan dan kerasulan. Di dalam keadaan ini, sesiapa yang dilihat menentang Nabi dan pemerintahan Madinah, diujarkan sebagai munafik. Munafik hukumnya bukan Islam, kalaupun mereka secara lahiriahnya dan teologikalnya mengakui ketauhidan Allah.

Kewujudan istilah munafik ini menjadikan politik Islam bercelaru, kerana sesetengah daripada pemikir dan politikus yang menggerakkan politik umat Islam menggunakan istilah ini untuk mentakfirkan orang-orang yang melawan mereka. Di Mesir perkara ini sedang terjadi; bagi umat Islam, munafik boleh dibunuh, dan mereka saling memunafikkan antara satu sama lain; justeru timbul satu keadaan di mana masyarakat am jatuh ke dalam situasi huru-hara dek kerana polarisasi masyarakat yang berpunca dari salahguna agama dan pemahaman pemerintahan negara yang 'Islamik' yang tidak memberi ruang untuk perbezaan politik. Politik dan agama tidak dipisahkan; berlainan fahaman politik bererti berlainan agama, dan yang berlainan agama dihukum munafik, yang bisa dibunuh begitu sahaja.

-Ketika Mursi berkuasa, Mursi mencuba untuk menggerakkan kembali Mesir mengikut aduan dan acuan Ikhwanul Muslimin. Hal ini tidak disukai oleh golongan tertentu dalam masyarakat; acuan Ikhwanul Muslimin dianggap konservatif, tidak pragmatik dan tidak praktikal. Harus diingat juga bahawa Mursi berhadapan dengan birokrasi era Mubarak; birokrasi yang sepanjang umurnya (80 tahun) telah berhadapan dengan Ikhwanul Muslimin sebagai 'musuh negara.' Di sini timbul keperluan untuk membina hubungan dan jambatan antara Ikhwan dengan birokrasi; namun Ikhwan dan birokrasi gagal membina hubungan berkenaan kerana tiada persefahaman dan kompromi di antara mereka.

-Saya mengira bahawa Ikhwan terlalu naif dalam percaturan politik. Politik memaksa anda menipu demi kemaslahatan rakyat; Ikhwan gagal mengerti bahawa politik memerlukan anda untuk berkompromi dengan rakyat. Kerana itu mereka telah dijatuhkan, dan tiada konsensus bersimpati dengan mereka melainkan dari penyokong setia Ikhwan, yang berjumlah ramai dan kuat bersuara; Ikhwan adalah sebuah gerakan yang sudah berusia, dan usia menjadikan Ikhwan ramai ahli dan ampuh dalam berorganisasi. Namun mereka masih naif dalam berpolitik.

-Bagaimana pula dengan tentera? Tentera Mesir punya sejarah melawan Ikhwan yang berlarutan panjangnya. Semenjak zaman Nasser tentera Mesir sudah melawan Ikhwan, maka tidak hairanlah andainya tentera Mesir bertindak kasar dan keras serta kejam menentang Ikhwan; permusuhan antara Ikhwan dan tentera amatlah dalam dan banyak berparut. Tidak ramai yang ingat yang dahulunya Ikhwan pernah menggunakan taktik menggunakan kekerasan; Ikhwan banyak mengebom tentera Mesir dalam perjuangannya. Itu sejarah lama.

-Sebenarnya, saya sudah tidak faham apa yang berlaku. Revolusi sudah menjadi perang antara Ikhwan dan askar; kedua-duanya bukan mereka yang mendokong semangat asal revolusi.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Life Ain't For Living

-I've been watching certain videos on Youtube. It's on MEMRI TV, which is known as a Zionist propaganda tool; 'propaganda is a lie even if you tell the truth,' hence I shall dismiss those videos as anti-Islam propaganda.

-And yet it is true; it is true that violence and oppression have been done repeatedly in the name of Islam, Allah and Muhammad, and the perpetrators have been consistently using Quran and Hadith to justify their actions; torture, murder, misogyny, badmouthing. And it is true that those who have been speaking out against this violent interpretations have been made to shut up in whatever way they can; in fact it is so bad that nobody speaks out anymore; you can't even begin to doubt and question the smallest things, because you are afraid that they will label you as an apostate, to be killed without the slightest mercy, for "do not let your mercy take hold of you in delivering Allah's Hudud."

-Quran has this whole side to it that, read in certain way, paves an easy way, an easy justification for ruthless violence; it is very easy to read Quran as a book of violence, a book that perpetuates war; anyone can do that and totally not feeling guilty about it.

-I am not sure anymore about how we can read Quran the best. "Obey Allah and Muhammad,""Don't raise your voice above that of Prophet's"; how does one do that? Is there a valid, legitimate representation of God that one has to listen to; some sort of jurisdiction that one has to be adhere; and does this jurisdiction holds validity that is perpetual even to this day?

-God declared war in At-Taubah against 'kuffar;' there's no declaration of peace after that declaration of war; just an ultimatum against the people, to 'stop' or to be killed. What does this 'kuffar' means? And stop doing what? Waging war against Muslims? Stop evil? Or stop being non-Muslims?

-I don't know anymore; perhaps the best way, the most realistic way of reading the Quran is to accept that it is a book that belongs in another age; perhaps Muhammad is just another human; "Muhammad is just another Rasul..." is Rasul as great a title as we perceive it to be? If you read Holy Bible, you would find out that those who Muslims believe to be Rusul are not infallible; Abraham and Lot were both incestuous, Moses committed genocide and murder, David stole another person's wife (and perhaps may even actually be a bisexual), Solomon was a polytheist, Job questioned God's way of doing things...but of course Holy Bible is to Muslims, just a book, altered and edited, 'no longer a Holy Book.'

-Who knows, perhaps Muhammad may not even be infallible; maybe Quran is just another book, written and uttered by a man, in the language of a man....and thus is not necessarily true. Who knows, perhaps Quran ain't the Word of God...perhaps that God never existed in the first place.

-Who knows?

Sunday, July 7, 2013

固まらない思い

For years, I have been searching for something I can't exactly put my finger on. I don't know how long has it been since I began; was I always this way? I don't remember.

What I know for sure is that, in the years that I have been searching for, I have lost many things. Someone told me that I cling on to the past; I am sure that is true, for I always counted the things that I have lost; my innocence, my faith, my chances, beloved ones, memories. Each and every day I wake up, with the realization that for each day I lived, I will lose something every single day.

Thus I search for that something; some say it is God I am looking for, some say it is love, some say it is success, some say it is happiness. But the more I look for it, the more I lose.

In the end, I end up being a lonely guy who is having his final year as an undergraduate student in Japan, a guy who lost his entire youth spent looking for something that possibly isn't real; a guy who has come to a realization that, to carry on living, he can't possibly bring anything or anyone from the past with him; nothing belongs to hims, no one belongs to him; he is just alone, like many other souls before him.

He saw dreams crumble before him; how hopes turn out to be lies told to encourage one to move forward, only to realize that there is no such thing as a brighter future; there is nothing better or brighter about the future, nothing that really makes it a better time from either today or the past; it is just the reality as it is going to be, a future that is the reality that one has to face sooner or later, a future that one can never really be fully prepared for; a future where one is adrift across a sea of fate and time.

He saw how people grew up; some of his friends are happily married, some are pursuing their careers, some are excelling in their studies, some are struggling to make ends meet; he compared his life to them and saw that there is nothing really special about his own self; he ain't lucky or gifted, he is just the way he is. He is alone and he owns nothing.

That is me. I begin to question my very existence; perhaps there's no deeper meaning to this. Perhaps there is no love or happiness, no God or Heaven, no success or failure; there's only reality as it is, waiting for me to accept it as much as I'm waiting for it to happen. I don't look for miracles, I don't look for success in life, I am not looking for happiness. It is all a fairy tale, told to children by their parents who know better, and yet the parents told the lies anyway, because even if they know they're all lies and superstition, that the children are going to have a bright future, but they still believe in it anyway, for no one can live without believing in something. One has to believe in the existence of Future.

I know nothing is going to last forever. One day I shall lose everything; heck, I don't have anything anyway, so why should I despair about losing anything at all? I am not going to be afraid of the fact that my parents are getting older, that my family is changing, that I am now an uncle, that I'm going to leave many of my friends behind; I am not gonna let the fears of fading into nothingness take over me. At least rhetorically.

With that, I shall have to take leave, in order to comfort my mind with a dose of nicotine. Allah hafez.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

-Just to make sure this is not yet another dream embedded within another dream.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Sungai Igan Menjadi Saksi

-Kalau sekarang ini aku dapat balik ke Sibu, aku akan terus ke kawasan kampung dahulu barangkali. Melihat saki-baki apa yang dahulunya bergelar Kampung Datuk Lama; Kampung Datuk Lama yang bakal tinggal sejarah seperti Kampung Nyabor dan Kampung Pulau, kampung yang tidak bernilai apa-apa di sisi pembangunan bandar, melainkan nilai sejarah yang barangkali sebenarnya tidak lebih daripada sentimen emosi semata-mata; nilai sejarah yang tidak punya tempat di dalam kamus urbanisasi dan globalisasi kontemporari dunia.

-Barangkali Tuhan sudah lama menentukan bahawa Dia akan melupuskan Kampung Datuk Lama dari muka dunia. Allah, tiada Tuhan melainkan Dia; buat apa kita mempersoal keadilannya? Keadilan itu bukan untuk kita para manusia untuk merealisasikannya; kita hanya mencuba yang terbaik, tapi menurut aku, keadilan datang tanpa peduli dan perlu menjawab kepada ilusi dan emosi manusia; Descartes ada membilang bahawa kesempurnaan Tuhan adalah terletak di sifat-Nya yang tidak punya emosi--kerana emosi itu adalah tanda bahawa sesuatu itu punya kebergantungan kepada sesuatu yang lain; dan kebergantungan adalah sifat yang mustahil bagi Tuhan mengikut Descartes; Tuhan yang Sempurna bergantung perlu dan harap kepada sesuatu yang tidak sesempurna Zat-Nya sendiri? Itu kontradiksi mengikut Descartes.

-Justeru aku tidak menyalahkan takdir atas kebakaran Kampung Datuk Lama. Semua yang terlibat secara langsung atau tidak langsung (aku hanyalah seorang yang merasakan pedihnya kehilangan tanda memori lama, tidak lebih dari itu) harus bergerak dan harus melangkah ke hadapan. Tinggalkan sahaja kenangan lama di masa silam yang tak akan berkunjung kembali.

-Itu sungguh sukar bagiku. Sungai Igan menjadi saksi.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Kampung Datuk Lama

-Back in the days when I was a carefree elementary school student, effortlessly beating everyone else in Abang Ali academically without any real effort at all, I used to bike a lot. I biked with a lot of my old friends--well, acquaintances; I never felt like I was really a part of their group, despite my honest intentions to befriend them; but I'm certain they were honest too--that I neglected my home work; that habit never really left me; but I figure that that's the reason why I was liked by my friends; the fact that I have obvious flaws makes me a more approachable, agreeable person. Perhaps.

-Any rate, back in the days of Abang Ali, I rode my bike a lot. And Kampung Datuk Lama was the place where I would usually go for a ride. I'd ride my bike along the usual route; it wasn't just Kampung Datuk Lama, usually my repertoire included Kampung Hilir and Quarters Penjara, with occasional detouring into Kampung Nangka. And I'd ride alone or with friends; most of the time alone, but greeting friends along the way. It was fun. A great way to spend (or waste) your time, by going on a ride.

-Kampung Datuk Lama which used to be my playground now remains a memory. Almost every, if not all homes were consumed in the fire today. I can't believe it.

-My memories were burnt. I know this is bound to happen; this has happened before in Kampung Hilir. With that kind of village planning and building materials, if a fire breaks out, it's almost certain that there's gonna be multiple house getting caught in the fire. But I thought that someone else who can really do something about it would notice first...I thought that it was obvious.

-Well, goodbye Kampung Datuk Lama. I shall sorely miss you; my childhood burnt down.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Sunni, Shiite, Scandals, Sex, Segregation, Sacrifice, Sadness,Shit

-Syria is at war. Who fucking cares? The reason why it is getting worse is because we care too much. But lo, we care too much about nothing except for our own selves and our own kind. The others can go disappear; the others are vermin; they're apostates, not human enough, not Muslim enough, Godless; they're Antichrist soldiers! Yeah; and we are righteous people fighting for our rights. OUR rights.

-Fucking selfish reasons turned religious. A conflict that was formerly based on the struggle for liberty and democracy became a war being made holy and Godly; was it Bashar's fault that everyone turned to religion, in the hope that somehow God who we know causes EVERYTHING in this world to happen will be on their side? It's easy to blame al-Assad the Alawite; but much harder to realize that turning this war into a religious conflict is going to blow every little shit up! La haula wa la quwwata illa billah.

-Everyone is in the holy war mode; waiting for Jesus the so-called Messiah to end the misery of the people; human is indeed weak. Everything seems to be pre-planned by the God Most High Himself! There's no more 'power to the people;' now it's all 'Allahu Akbar.' And thus, the fight continues on; perhaps the Jews are to be blamed, instead; who had that 'great, creative, legendary' idea to create the State of Israel in a land that has been Muslim for 1000 years? Ah, let's forget about history. Blaming and hating people is easy; Hating the Jews is especially tempting; it's almost religious, it's Sunnah Nabi! (remember; Muhammad did allow that corporal punishment against the 400 Jews) But it does not solve anything. When will people realize?

-Sunni and Shiite will again be at war. So much for ukhwah Islamiyyah. So much for reconciliation. So much for democracy. Hatred is everywhere; apocalyptic religious fervor cement this hatred; Jews, Christians, Muslims, even atheists, got stuck up in a nonsensical war.

-This world is indeed cruel. How do I accept it? "There are things one can't change;" How do I accept this?

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Jumaat 24 Mei 2013

-Apakah seseorang itu bernilai, dan jikalau seseorang itu bernilai, adakah wujud sebarang perbedaan nilai antara satu-satu manusia itu dengan seorang manusia lainnya?

-Aku tidak percaya dengan konvensionalisme bahawasanya manusia itu punya sebarang nilai. Tidak; manusia itu dengan tikus, bakteria, daki, lembah sungai, pohon beringin, kitab-kitab, semua tidak punya sebarang nilai barang sedikitpun; hanyasanya kita meletakkan nilai di atas kewujudan kita ini, adalah kerana keangkuhan dan kelemahan kita sendiri yang mahu dan perlu berasa dihargai, kerana harga diri itu menjadi sebahagian dari intipati apa yang kita lazim ungkapkan dengan istilah 'kebahagiaan.'

-Kebahagiaan. Kata nama apakah itu? Konsep apakah itu? Manusia punya satu kehebatan yang luar biasa yang dipanggil dengan kata 'akal', yang membezakan antara kita dengan makhluk lainnya--ataupun lebih tepat lagi, kita merasakan bahawa di situ perbezaan kita, keistimewaan kita terserlah nyata--dan 'akal' ini menjadi akar punca segala konsep-konsep yang abstrak dan aneh, yang tak bisa diukur kira dengan pandangan kasar mata manusia; namun segala konsep-konsep ini terasa begitu nyata dengan hakikat yang begitu berat dan mengharukan sekali dek kerana 'akal' kita. Kebahagiaan nyata sekali adalah salah satu daripada konsep-konsep yang tercitra dek akal kita.

-Quran membilang bahawa Tuhan kita telah menciptakan manusia dengan sebaik-baik rupa kejadian; apakah benar demikian? Barangkali itu hanya sekadar apa yang manusia bisa fikirkan; manusia merasa dirinya serba cukup, sehingga bahkan menganggap bahawa dirinya adalah ciptaan Tuhan yang tercantik dan tercinta--semua ini tidak lain dan tidak bukan hanyalah konsep semata-mata; Tuhan yang ada kerana manusia menginginkan sesuatu yang lebih besar dari dirinya untuk menguar-uarkan betapa keagungan Tuhan itu menghasilkan satu keindahan yang dipanggil 'manusia'? Aku tidak percaya.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

A New Nation

The election results are in. BN won again, but is still denied 2/3 majority by the ever-tightening coalition of PR. But allegations of fraud are marring the stage, and is personally making me feel sad.

-What I've seen in this election is a face of the Malay community I've always hated; their overt nationalism. Malay nationalism always foils the path towards real progress. It is the same song, be it BN, PKR or PAS; if it isn't Malay, then it's Islam we're fighting for.

-That, personally, for me, is utter rubbish. It is an outdated idea; it is the idea that divides the nation, undermines the common national identity, and is forcing the minority to fight for their rights--an otherwise unnecessary struggle, if Malays gave more time to weigh on the minority plight.

-But no! It's always Malay, Malay, Malay, Islam, Islam, Islam! Eliminating corruption is second to putting Malay Muslims at the helm of the government; I seriously wonder, how can a Malay who believes wholeheartedly in Islam, tolerates corruption, as long as it isn't the Chinese who is the ruler? And they accuse the minority of trying to take over Malaysia; all despite the fact that the minorities are as Malaysian as the Malays.

-That is one of the reason why I reject Malayification and Islamisation personally. I don't see how both sentiments are helpful in making Malaysia truly Malaysia. But it's a fact; Malays are the majority no matter what, and they would of course protect their exclusive rights to the highest positions; very much like the White Americans who vote for the Republican Party.

-But still, Najib Razak has promised to continue on reforms. Let's hope for the best.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

حسرة قديمة

When I look back at the things I've said and done, there are certain things that I am sure will be going to haunt me, and some of these things are haunting me now.

But forget about that; there are also dreams left undone, abandoned and not pursued; sometimes you have to choose between pursuing your dreams and accepting the inevitable. When was the time when I said I wanted to start an alternative rock band? That was in the past now; whether I would be able to pursue this dream again sometime later in the future remains to be seen; everyone's growing old and their responsibilities grow as such.

Growing old, huh? Here I am at 23 years old, the age in which I used to reckon back in Rosli Dhoby that I will get a girlfriend; After 5 years, there's no change in my love life--maybe I should just give up, castrate myself and be a Buddhist monk! Ha ha ha. Why Buddhist? I don't know, at least it's better than Catholicism, or God forbid, Jainism. Talk about bashing religions here; let's just accept it that we will bash religions from time to time, and that killing some dude for being honest about his hatred of other religions, especially that of yours, isn't really a good way to propagate your religion which demands obligatory propagation. Do I need to say the name of that religion of yours again?

But at any rate, religion isn't the biggest force in our lives. Reality is.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Realitas Est Veritas

-I sometimes ponder as to how long am I going to have to live my life this way, fearful of anything new, living in constant paranoia, thinking badly about the future. Meanwhile, other people try their best to move along with the passage of time, falling in love, looking for jobs, getting married, migrating and furthering their studies, etc. I see those things and curse myself all day long; "What's the problem with you, self-fucker?"

-Of course, this doesn't mean that I let time just pass me by idly. I try to capture my own opportunity; I decided to take on the mantle of Kansai MSAJ presidency last year, albeit reluctantly, as I needed the skills--and also the certificate. I also try to find a field in which I can begin my own research; it's not going as smoothly as I had thought; thank God for my laziness and procrastination, that seems to be perpetual and pervasive. But there's this feeling that my efforts ain't enough; I am not doing anything that will get me to my dreams and ambitions; what I am doing is just pretending that I am growing up and getting things done.

-Youth; how easy it is to waste the best time of your life in its entirety! All of a sudden I became an uncle, all of a sudden I am 23, and yet maturity--I can barely feel it in myself; I don't see any signs of maturity in me, and everyone is leaving me behind--and I will also have to leave my friends behind; no one is going to accompany me in my life as I get old; no one's going to share the memories that I have; I will get old, meaningless and die with mere memories to remind me that heaven is in the past; Yes, these are all exaggerations, but the fear of growing up and growing old is real.

-I have spend my entire youth entirely devoted to the pursuit of knowledge; I went far away from home, and during my time away, the family moved on; slowly but surely, and irreversibly, too, I changed, for better or for worse--despite this, my family is the only thing I am sure of, the only people in this world who will love me for what I am at the moment, whose love is unconditional and perpetual, no matter how much I have changed--and yet we all know perfectly well, that God, or whatever it is that runs the world has a rule, that nothing lasts forever; we don't know what future will bring to us, and I can't expect my parents to be back at home waiting for me to be back and hug me forever; I can't expect my parents to be able to see my sons and my daughters, if I ever become a father; I can't expect to be able to go back to Sibu forever; I know that if I get stuck in this illusion, that my current family will last forever, then I will be very disappointed when the time comes...

-I am in a position where there is no return back. I am an adult, like it or not. I do wish that somehow I will have the bravery to face the future with a smile and self-confidence; but sometimes things that you need, you just don't have.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Familial Circumstances

I don't know about saying about my family in my blog. Maybe someday it'll be used against me; who knows for sure what's gonna happen; this world is full of bullshit and one of that bullshit is me, so I should expect the worst to happen.

So, I was born into a Melanau family. My father is Muslim, my mother was pagan. Sometimes, to be honest, I am not sure whether my mother is a Muslim, as she doesn't practice at all. When my parents got married, she embraced the faith, but she didn't do it wholeheartedly. She mentioned to me that she didn't want to be a Muslim; I wonder if that's the reason why out of all the children in my family, only one were somewhat orthodox; my brother's a deist with an almost anti-religion stance, my sisters were liberal, I am an ignostic.

My father is a devout Muslim; I sometimes felt that there used to be a time when he was much less religious; most Muslim men are like that, they grow religious as they grow older. He was kind of very mystical-orientated, believing that certain recitations contain powers to heal or to harm, as well as believing in magical powers. Just a typical traditional Melanau Muslim middle age man.

I am the fifth child in a seven-sibling family. My youngest sister is autistic and her autism is kinda severe; She cannot speak, her speech is limited to a few poorly pronounced little words, and she lacks empathy. My third sister is constantly taking care of her; I look at them and can't help but to feel that my third sister is actually already psychologically impaired from the hard work; she had few friends in schools who never visited; as if she never went to schools.

My second sister married last year, that is 2012. Her husband currently lives in Labuan, as a man working on a ship. You can say he is a sailor. Now they have a son, a baby son, my baby nephew. He is cute and resembles his father a bit. But his father is far away, and her mother works in a different town, which means that the baby will be living without his parents at home. Of course my parents and my eldest sister is gonna take care of him; but is that enough?

My eldest sister, a crazy girl. I suspect she really is. She appeared normal, but is kinda anti-social. She doesn't express any desire to face the outside world outside of my house. This may help, as she helps tending after the house. But is this okay?

My brother, laboring hard in Semenanjung, with financial instability, a broken musical dream, and irreligious; that is pretty undesirable in this fucked up conservative country, where people judge people based on their religious piety, instead of their hearts. He has a girlfriend, but his girlfriend is kinda ignorant as to what he really is. I don't know if they really can get married.

My youngest brother! He is just so naive. He's religious, he memorized the Quran more than I did when I was his age, but I sense that he doesn't get it yet, being the youngest son.

I can't simply go and pick up any girl to be my love. I need someone who understands, someone who is flexible, someone patient, someone who gets these things, someone strong, someone cheerful to liven up our lives, someone who is liberal.

I am not compromising on that. Any lesser than that and our relationship's fate is sealed. I have a family to feed and I am not even married.

今年は4年目ですって

来日してからもう3年が経った。あっという間に時間が去ってしまって、なんか変な感じがする。変というよりも怖いなのだ。そのような悩みは最近増えてきた。
今年は4年目ですって。だからと言って日本語は上手に喋られると言うわけじゃない。ある程度上手になってきたのだが、どう考えてもまだ下手なのだ。期末レポートが書けるぐらいの日本語能力を持っているのは事実なんだけど、大学以外のことは全然ダメだって。やっぱり個人練習だけじゃ関西弁は話せへん!全然分からんと言うわけじゃないけど。
この3年間という間に、俺は一体何を勉強してきたかい。全然何も勉強してへんと言う感じはしてるけど。哲学に関する知識は確実に増えてきたのだが、それは役に立つ知識なのか。さらに、今年は卒論を書かないと。卒論をするためにちゃんとした研究が必要だ。それは問題なのさ。研究ってどういう研究?俺の宗教に違反する結論に着く研究なの?(いや、この時点ではもう俺は宗教がないと言っても過言じゃない。)
というわけで、今年は4年目です。これから頑張ります。卒業できるために頑張ります。彼女を獲得するのは?それはもうやめた。俺は一生独身になるのだ。結婚なんかしない。時間と金額の無駄になるから。(本当はとても残念なことだと思うけど。)
アフィラちゃんはいつまでも大好き~本音はこれなのだ。片思いのままでいい。いや、片思いのままが望ましい。俺はもう彼女の彼氏になりたくない。彼氏になるのは嫌やから。

Monday, March 4, 2013

Between Worlds

-Home sweet home. I guess that's what the euphoric feelings in my brain says. A lot has changed though.

-I am now an uncle. Seeing my nephew for the first time, it feels kind of odd. I tried to hold him in my arms and suddenly it hit me; I am old, and nothing is reversible at this point.

-My parents and my sisters are the only ones at home; there are no other male members here in my home. My brothers (including the in-law one) are far away, laboring their lives away. That's not really a good situation. No other male family members?

-This plagues me. There's this feeling that I have to try and get back here ASAP, and settle here for good. No time for romance, continuation of studies or youthful fun; those things are secondary to familial responsibility. I can't leave my father alone as the only guy in the house. I NEED TO BE HERE. I can't expect my brothers to be here soon; they all have their own problems. I am the one who needs to settle down in Sibu.

-Looking at my mom holding the baby Ujang (not the real name, obviously); it is the weirdest feeling. My ageing mom holding the baby boy that is her grandson; will my sons and daughters, if I ever have any, get the same privilege? Will my mom see my children? I don't know. It seems unlikely that I will get a girlfriend soon, much less a wife. Plus with my personality, I don't know whether I can be a good husband and a good father. I struggle with myself not to fuck things up; this fucked up boy is obviously not ready to be one, if he shall ever be one.

-I shouldn't worry too much; this is a vacation! Why the fuck am I still worried about the future?

-Maybe because I don't feel so young anymore.

-Alhamdulillah I am home.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

کمبالي ک اصل 2

-Besok, tanggal 1 haribulan 3, aku berangkat ke Kuala Lumpur. Kali ini aku akan berada di Malaysia selama 3 minggu lebih. 3 minggu lebih! Bukan satu tempoh yang lama bagiku yang telah meningkat tua; namun apakah jiwaku lebih dewasa dan matang? Itu aku tidak tahu.

-Barangkali nanti di Malaysia, suasana kempen pilihan raya akan hangat menantikanku, untuk menyambutku dengan salam mesra dari panji-panji parti politik Malaysia, yang ingin memancing undi dengan sebanyak mungkin. Maaf, kali ini aku tidak mengundi; Aku belum berdaftar. Dan kalaupun aku berdaftar, aku tak nampak di mana letaknya sebab untukku mengundi kali ini. Sudah terlalu lama aku di luar negara. Aku tak nampak lagi ke arah manakah lagi aliran siasah Malaysia mengalir; ke Laut Cina Selatan? Itu Sungai Rajang, bukan ideologi kerajaan.

-Kuala Lumpur; tempat paling jijik yang pernah aku lihat seumur hidupku! Dengan kesesatan identitinya, kekotoran sampahnya, pembangunan tidak terancangnya, aku tak melihat di mana letaknya nilai estetik dan keindahan yang boleh aku nikmati di sana, melainkan kesepian menginap semalam di hotel seorang diri, memikirkan tentang nasib diriku yang sudah tak tahu ke mana harus ku membawa diriku ini, ke mana harus ku mengejar mimpi yang takku pasti kewujudannya. Barangkali asap rokok akan membantuku melenyapkan jiwaku dalam kala malam butaku meliar, membawa syaitan dalam bentuk kenangan lalu dan harapan yang palsu. Asap rokok menjadi bentengku menentang syaitan yang bertopengkan mukaku.

-Kembali ke asal; itu kata-kata omongan kosong dari harapan yang durjana! Takkan pernah wujud kembali saat ketika aku belum pernah berdosa, taubat takkan melenyapkan masa silam yang duka, penyesalan atas apa yang telah dan takkan terjadi. Aku yang lenyap ditelan waktu dan aliran dunia; apa yang harus kusedihkan? Aku takkan pernah bersedih di atas pemergian waktu silam, walaupun air mataku bercucuran di pipi. Air mataku hanyalah lambang. Aku takkan bersedih atas apapun jua. Tidak berguna kesedihan itu.

-Kuala Lumpur; bandar raya kutukan Tuhan! Tuhan; siapa Dia? Wujudkah Dia? Pentingkah Dia? Peduli apa aku dengan Tuhan. Kehendak Tuhan tiada siapa yang boleh mengerti; jadi buat apa aku kisah dengan apa segala perkhabaran yang diungkapkan manusia dengan istilah 'wahyu,' itu semua adalah angan-angan belaka bagiku. Namun di balik tiap-tiap anganan manusia itu tersimpan, tersirat satu benda yang dinamakan 'erti', dan tiap-tiap erti mengandungi secebis hakikat; Angan-angan manusia itu adalah cebisan dari hakikat yang mengungkapkan selayar citra yang dinamakan dunia; Tuhan adalah Benar kalaupun Dia hanya Khayalan, kerana Khayalan adalah Benar.

-Sudah-sudah sahaja aku mencarut di sini. Aku belum berkemas lagi. Dengan kucupan mesra dari batinku aku akan memeluk engkau, wahai nusantaraku Malaysia. Bi iznillah, Insya-Allah.

-Amen.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Letters Left Unwritten

-Sometimes, there are words I want to say, but they never came out from my mind to the outer world. Honesty and appropriateness sometimes go against each other. Love for a friend and a desire to love the same person as a lover makes it hard to say things, and later I regret not saying it for the world might have been a different story had I said the words in the first place.

-"I should have kissed you in the elevator that night, it was two o'clock, and God is the only witness, all the more reason to kiss you, for it would be true, and alas I didn't, for that I curse myself, and my cowardice, and also the religion that prohibits me from kissing you..."

Monday, February 11, 2013

February Love

-No, this post has nothing to do with that formerly pagan cultural festival otherwise known as the Valentine's Day. It is not even remotely related to the general feelings of love.

-I'm just surprised to hear that the Pope wants to resign.

-So what?

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Freedom Demands Sacrifice

-Jose Rizal, the famous Filipino revolutionary writer, once described death as a rest; to quote his poem, Mi Ultimo Adios, he said that death is a place where 'faith doesn't kill'. As he was a critic of the Catholic Spanish occupation of Philippines, it is clear that he criticized the Church, and he paid the price with his blood.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Satu Hari

-Hari ini anak buah aku lahir ke dunia. Sekarang aku masih tak tahu siapa nama dia; itu tak penting buat ketika ini. Apa yang penting, hari ini hari yang mulia.

-Apa yang aku buat di sini?

Monday, January 21, 2013

Membakar Kitab

-Semenjak kebelakangan ini, ada sahaja isu yang melanda negara Malaysia. Sekarang ini, timbul satu cerita konon-kononnya Ibrahim Ali dari PERKASA nak membakar kitab Injil Melayu yang ada tertulis kalimah Allah. Hee hee hee.

-Aku kadang-kadang seronok juga tengok perangai politikus-politikus Malaysia ini, terutamanya politikus Melayu. Mereka selalu cakap bukan main besar, atas isu yang tak penting sama-sekali. Siapa peduli kalau Injil Melayu letak kalimah Allah? Melayu saja yang peduli. Walhal mereka bukannya baca kitab itu. Buat apa bising-bising tentang satu kitab yang kau cakap penipuan belaka? Kalau letak kalimah Allah pun, Injil tetap Injil: dia takkan tiba-tiba menjadi buku sihir yang memurtadkan ribuan umat Melayu (bukan umat Islam; Melayu saja yang boleh kena sihir macam itu).

-Melayu cakap yang kalimah Allah itu milik umat Islam sahaja. Kita mencuri akidah orang Yahudi boleh pulak! Senang hati suka rasa saja pergi cakap Tuhan Bani Israel itu tuhan kita sekali. Konon itu Tuhan bercakap dengan kita, cakap dia sudah putus asa sama Bani Israel; pasal itu cari kaum lain; Tuhan yang macam ini, Tuhan yang berputus asa ini, kamu ambil sebagai Tuhan?

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Open Mind

-What the fuck does that phrase mean? No one has ever had their minds literally opened, you can only open your brain out-which doesn't help open your mind, it just exposes your brain and may result in death, or at least some gruesome injury. No, mind and brain are two different things that, despite the fact that they are essentially intertwined with each other, is still different; forget the common utterances of common people who say of idiots as having no brain; they're actually referring to the state of mind, but saying that one has got no mind is also untrue in a literal understanding, since having no mind means you're dead-but as some religions hold that your soul preserves your mind, which means that your mind is as immortal as your soul, so your death might not necessarily mean the disappearance of your mind, and it is more appropriate to say that mind is only absent when the soul is also absent, that is the state of neither living or dying, or might I say an inorganic state.

-But of course we are not entering a discussion in which people try to define what soul refers to-Leibnitz has done that in his treatises concerning monadology-, but rather I would rather talk about the openness of mind in a conventional sense; that is, a state where one is willing and able to input any information into his mind without having a preset reaction set for any information that his mind receives; or rather more simply, not having a prejudiced state of mind. Open-mindedness is a hard state of mind to perpetuate in any given setting; All of us have some mechanism that prevents us from dangerous things, be it objects, individuals or ideas; and this mechanism works as a kind of censor board, the 'self censor' that prevents us from having a totally open mind, regardless of our best conscious efforts. This mechanism is created in an early formative age, at a time when it is essential for us as children to input things into our mind, and in order to make sure we don't go against the community, for our own safety, our subconscious works to suppress our ego, and this self-censorship is one of the mechanisms involved in the process.

-Thus, by the time you're a teenager, most of the time, people are already having prejudices. That is normal, nobody will question too much; for it is safe and comfortable to be having prejudices, as you know who to love and who to fear-and hate. As we are by nature a predatory, resource-gathering species, these feelings-love and hate-are very important, as they define our behavior in a lot of ways; They make us humans. Open-mindedness is not something that comes directly out of nature ready-made; it is something that develops out of this prejudice, as we input more information into our minds naturally, to discover the world (and the discovery of the world, or the Other, lead to us discovering and defining our Selves), and it can be said that prejudice comes before open-mindedness-prejudice has to come first.

-But prejudice doesn't come as something that is a priori  either; what is first there is plain emptiness, an emptiness where even the Self is not properly developed; the Self has to acquire the essence of being Self from obtaining information from the Other (moms teaching their kids language is a fine way of demonstrating this concretely), and in this state the mind, being of a dark, formless nature (quoting from the Torah, as in the beginning of Genesis) is open and willing to receive any command from the Other (in a Quranic fashion, 'Kun fayakun', or Biblical fashion, 'Yehi Or Vayehi Or')-and thus this emptiness, being the default state, can be said of as the real open-mindedness. But nobody in their adulthood has this open-mindedness anymore, and attempts at reaching it can be disastrous, although for some enlightened minds who are able to reach it, the results are an extreme, unspeakable joy, being Heaven or Nirvana itself.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

1/2/2013

Today was fun. I spent time with my friends for 5 years; we zigzagged around the old city of Kyoto. It rained a bit, but we still managed to have some fun. Nope; we had a lot of fun, eating delicious food, sharing umbrellas (we had to buy them again; how many umbrellas does one need to buy?), photo session; yeah, it's a lot of fun.

But on the way home, one thing becomes apparent; this fun that we've shared won't last forever. We said goodbyes and good night to each other, the day ends, what we did became a memory, condemned to a perpetual state of being in the past; something that you can't rewind, repeat, or go back to. Our friendship becomes a memory too; friends forget each other sometimes, for every human has a limit (I read that it is on average, 150 relationships per person) on how many relationships can he/she maintains in a single moment; and this means that every time a person moves on to establish a new relationship (friends, families, lovers, all that usual thing), there is going to be a relationship that will be sacrificed, for the brain automatically removes that relationship, demotes the status of that relationship to mere 'memories',  And thus the relationship is removed from the mental capacity of the brain, and it ceases to become a relationship.

That is a natural thing; to nurture friendships and forget some of them along the course of us living our lives. But right now, as I turn 23, nearing the end of my time in Osaka University (if Reality allows it, I will graduate on 2014), I increasingly think of all the relationships I have nurtured, all the people I have known, cared for and loved.

I just don't want to let them be mere memories. I need them; I need them all, but I also understand that I have to move on, be an adult, man up, sober up, face the Reality and in the process, I may have to decide whom I have to demote to mere 'memories'.

Shitty. Just pure bullshit. Reality forced this on me; Be an adult, say farewell to your friends, go face your future alone. Crap. Just unacceptable. I'm not ready. I'm never going to be ready.

But tomorrow becomes today. Like the fucking Passage of Time cares about your readiness. Age is a just number, alright; but you growing old, that's real. You're going to die; that's real. There's going to be a lot of farewells; that's real. You must accept it. So do I.

With this tone, I begin the new year. 2013. Bring it on.