Muhammad Abdul Rauf

I am thinking of adopting this name.

Last Thursday, I got elected involuntarily as the President of MSAJ (Malaysian Student's Association in Japan) in Kansai area branch. Which means that from now on, I shall be the one who is in charge of all the collective Malaysian student events here.

Which I don't want to do, for I hate events.

No choice. Take one for the team.

Anger on Christmas Pt 2

Those people who avoid wishing their Christian friends Merry Christmas, be warned.

The whole logic of not wishing them Merry Christmas as it would be equivocal to recognizing the Trinity of God, and recognizing that Jesus is the begotten Son of God, is not a good logic. It is a logic which doesn't care what others think, a logic which spreads suspicion among people, and a logic that can possibly breed enmity based on religious differences.

If Christians have the same logic, they won't respect our Ramadan. They won't let us celebrate Maulid Nabi, they won't let us have our Azans in loudspeakers, they would say that Muslims are followers of Antichrist!

There's this whole notion among Christians (of course I am talking about the freaking fundamentalists) that we Muslims are heretical, deviant, and violent followers of an excommunicated church, manipulated by a false Messiah called Muhammad. Us not wishing Merry Christmas to Christians might fuel this thought among the Christians, increasing their enmity toward us, and consequentially this will increase our enmity towards them.

There is no communication where there is enmity.

Anger on Christmas Pt 1

There's this stupid thing recently about not wishing Christians "Merry Christmas" because, as it was argued, wishing them Merry Christmas would be equivocal with us recognizing the Trinity of God, as Christmas is a celebration of the Nativity of the Son of God.

Heh.

Poor people with backward religious beliefs, and lack of understanding of the history of religion in a humanistic sense, and also lack of thinking about the implications of not wishing Christians (or anyone who celebrates it, for that matter-not all those who celebrates Christmas are Christians, mind you), I don't know whether I shall pity them, or I shall be angry at them. Maybe I should be both.

We must know that 25 December is not the exact date of the Nativity of Yeheshua (this is Jesus' Hebrew name-I prefer this)-the formerly institutional pagan Romes would never know the exact date, as they were, under the National Imperial Roman Pagan Church, discriminating against Christians in a way that to today's standards, would be termed on par with the Nazi's Holocaust. So when the Roman Empire became Christian somewhere in the 4th century-300 or more full years after Yeheshua's supposed death on the Cross-it is logical, as illiteracy were rampant, that almost no one among them would know the exact date anymore.

So they took the 25 December as the date, as this was the date of Saturnalia, a Roman pagan festival celebrating the deity Saturn. So much for the purpose of celebrating the Christian creed.

Well, history put aside, nowadays people don't really celebrate Christmas to celebrate Jesus anymore. Some Christians do, I won't deny it, and in the religious Malaysia, the Christians are about as religious as Muslims, and they would be appalled by the suggestion that Christmas was a pagan Roman festival-"Ridiculous!" At any rate, wishing "Merry Christmas" is not the same thing as recognizing Trinity. There's a whole line of thinking among the Christians called Unitarism-those people don't believe in Trinity- and yet they still celebrate Christmas. Not to mention the contemporary atheists and agnostics who celebrate it for the fun of it.

Naive thinking among the religious sometimes pisses me off.

Don't be afraid, W4LR6S.

Mei tou Melayu ako ih. Ako mesti senged ih.

Islam is both our strength and our weakness.

Older

-According to the Muslim calendar, around 11 months from now, I am going to be 23.

-According to the Western calendar, I am 21 and a half years old.

-Despite being 21 years old, I still behave like a 13-year old brat sometimes, and this sometimes bothers me a lot.

-Being 21 years old, I somehow felt very old, despite the fact that most would say that 21 is an age of youth, and this might be to my religiously inclined thoughts on life: you will die one day, maybe you will die tomorrow, Death doesn't care whether you're old or you're young, if it's your time, it's your time, you can't fasten it nor can you delay it.

-This gives me anxiety. I was told throughout my youth as a student, having a Muslim background in a strongly Muslim-influenced society, that as a man, one has to fight for Islam; All one's prayers, doings, life and death are for Allah only, hence every struggle of life must be done with Allah being the foremost in mind. This pressures me a lot; "What am I supposed to do?"

-Many people say that if you really are struggling for God, God will clear the path for you. Yet what I see before me is a ridiculously hazy path, with no signs to guide me. Maybe God does clear your path. It's just that I am pursuing the wrong path. But then, I see the so-called God-cleared path taken by most people who claim to believe; somehow, their path seems wrong to me, I don't think that it is really the path for me, I can't take that, going there would be against my conscience.

-Well, some people say human conscience can be manipulated by the Devil. To that I would respond: "Then who controls the Devil, the fallen Satan?"

-Sepatutnya ako bei rah lebuk, nulong nawan ngaked barang, nulong nawan ngemas lebuk, nulong apak mak siap-siap bak pengilan a kawin janek ako. Salak kedau ako ajau ih. Mei patut, mei patut.

-Alah selaka mak timing ih. Time ako nda bei tang lebuk, nda bei duit bak belei tiket mulik, time in kawak kakak ako bak benikah. Yu yu. Nang lah mei kenah paut agik, paut angai dah matik. Tapi nyin lah, tusah laus bak nerima yang mei paut agik nuan tou jakin wang keluarga ako. Ako debei tang inan, mei kenah pilak nou-nou, semadi mak ih.

-Wai wai.

Philosophy 1

I found it more spiritually and emotionally fulfilling to try and understand others and to try to make them happy, than trying to figure out and reach the metaphysical, perpetual Truth.

But nevertheless, the path of making others happy is harder than the path of pursuing Truth, as it brings you sadness and pain to see that it is largely impossible to make everyone around you happy.

That may be one of the reason why people has to have a God, in which they can put a trust in, trusting that God may somehow lead everyone to salvation, and everlasting happiness.

But this statement also highlights the fact that the God that most of us believe is something that is realized by human desires, and the God as we hope He would be, are largely a figment of our emotions and ideals, being in themselves a product of our egos that want to survive, be immortal and perpetual.

But the statement above in itself is no proof that God is merely as such, that is, a product of our consciousness, and does not point whatsoever to any proof that can showcase the truth, or the falsity of the concept of Existence of God. as there is no viable connection that can be concretely demonstrated between the God that we all know and the Actual God that is beyond our comprehension, beyond our realms of reality and senses.

Any kind of argument or proof that is shown to us that might be labelled as that connection can be refuted by pointing out that those arguments, or proofs, are part of our reality, and being part of a reality that is subject and inferior to God, can't possibly be in an association with the Actual God, except as something that is created, and us, assuming that we are all part of the Actual God's creation, couldn't possibly verify with ultimate absolute confidence, that these arguments or proofs really serve as the Proof of God's existence, and assuming the confidence amounts to saying that we are equal to God, and thus, contradicts our conventional understanding of God as being One that is Unequal to any creation.

不可知論

神様が単一的に実在しているという前提から考えてきた。どうしてその前提から考えてきたのかは、子供の頃からずっと神様が実在していると回りの人々から教われ、それが当たり前の話だと信じ込められたのである。子供の理性と言うのがまだ熟成になっていない理性だから、知らないうちにその子供の理性には神様の絶対単一的実在と言う概念が成り立ち、その子供の潜在意識にまで入り込んで、大人になっていたらもうその概念を完全に精神から取り捨てるができなくなるのだ。

とはいっても、この事実があるから、「神様の実在」のは実は、人間が迷信のように、ただ回りの人々に従って真実だと信じさせられた概念にすぎないということは、決して神が存在しないと言うことを示していないのである。

The Only Religion For Me

-I have to admit, I am not a good believer.

-I have to admit, I am not even sure whether I do believe, no matter how little.

-I am not sure about the truth of the Scriptures, about the truth of the teachings of Muhammad, about everything regarding the religion.

-I am also not sure that any religion, any person, any book, any word or anything else, can convince me beyond doubt that somehow the Ultimate Truth does exist.

-But in the end, it seems like as of now, Islam is still the only religion for me. I grew up with it, I used to believe it, my behaviors and philosophy is dictated by it, and the recitation of Quran and adhan are still one of the best melodies I've ever heard.

-Then why am I writing this?

-I saw the world full of tragedies. I saw the people full of worries. I saw the future full of uncertainties Too many things have happened, too many tears have we cried. And yet the heaven seems to be far away; heck, it might have not even be real in the first place.

-I've seen how friendships are lost in the name of religion and faith. How people ceased becoming friends due to differences in life philosophy. How people engaged in pointless and stupid arguments trying to figure out the truth, to figure out what God wants; heck, God might not even exist.

-I saw Muslims, I saw Christians, I saw Buddhists, I saw Hindus, I saw Jews, I saw atheists, and I see that they are all suffering in the same plane of existence, and by Lord, they are all pointing hands at each other, blaming all of the problems on somebody else; that is for me, the worst mistake ever, to point at others mistakes, whilst thinking that one is "chosen by God", "viceroy of God", "children of God" and hence thinking that somehow, God is always with you and not with the others.

-How painful to see all of these problems, be it religious or secular, be it big or small, plaguing our little existence. And they said that these problems are part of God's love; the more you are loved, the more you are tested with both pain and success. If that is so, the ones who are loved more, should be the ones who are sadder, who can't believe, who commits sins all the time; the religious and the pious should be the ones being loved less. Yet this is somehow contradictory; for the pious, Heaven and for the sinful, Hell. How can God love you and yet you still go to Hell?

-Of course, I can see the wrongs with the arguments above; after all, it is a test, God is testing you as a sign of His Love, and it is up to us, to complete that relationship, by trying to please Him, by being more religious and kind. But if God does Love us, He wouldn't really care about us loving Him, doesn't He? He wouldn't got so angry that we are neglecting our religious and spiritual aspects, doesn't He? And yet, He got angry; but then this anger, might still be a sign of Love; He is angry at us, because we are not being honest to ourselves, harming ourselves by denying ourselves our honesty, denying ourselves our birthrights to His Love.

-But God is All-Forgiving, God is All-Understanding. Either that, or He's no God! I distance myself from people who attributes constant Anger and being Judgmental as part of His God's attribute; that is an insult to God. And we shouldn't cast anger and judgment on others, either; Only God can do that.

-Oh, how did I lost faith to The Almighty, how unworthy I am of His Mercy, I shouldn't have listened to the fake prayer-mongers, I should have known better, that these people can't exactly know what God wants the most, they don't know Lord, they are blind and they don't even notice that they are blind-how far have I transgressed.

-Islam is still the only religion for me.

Malays don't like introverts. Why?

Chronology

-Abdul Rauf of 2006 never imagined that Abdul Rauf of 2010 will go to Osaka.

-The pious Abdul Rauf of 2004 never imagined that Abdul Rauf of 2008 would be a Communist.

-The asexual Abdul Rauf of 2003 never imagined that Abdul Rauf of 2009 would fall in love.

-Heavily Melanau-accented Abdul Rauf of 2005 never imagined that Abdul Rauf of 2011 will be able to understand 10 languages.

-God is scary, indeed.

25 November

-Ari tuk ari birthday somebody. I almost forgot, until I saw the posts on Facebook. "Happy birthday~""Selamat ari menua~""Happy birthday, Jesus bless you~"...these kind of wellwishers wishing that somebody happy birthday.

-All of these, whilst me, stranded here watching and smoking Gudang Garam, wondering why we can't even be friends, even after nearly 4 years after secondary school.

-Ha ha ha. Not that I am sad or lonely, and neither am I having the "aku pengerindu nuan sulu" mood inside my mind. Well, I do feel it a little bit, but the mood is in Standard Malay, not Iban. Not anymore.

-Ah, the sweet 16. "The age when I was still a believer."

-Happy birthday, J*******a, may God protect you, know that somewhere inside his heart, this stupid fool still have some feelings for you.

Be It The Holiest (Nonsense Words)

Sarawak Tanah Airku

-Sarawak tanah airku.

Conscience

-Conscience is the most important thing. You may lose your hope, you may lose your faith, you may lose your bravery, but as long as you don't lose your conscience, you can still go on. Hope can be renewed, faith can be regained, bravery can be rebuild, but conscience-there's only one of it that you can possess.

مقدمه جديده

C'est la nouvelle introduction pour ce blog. Je doit écrire cette introduction nouvelle....

-OK, enough with the broken French. I have to write the introduction anew, as I have noticed that the blog has departed and evolved way too much since I started it around 2009, that is two years ago.

-May prosperity, wisdom and peace be with the author of this glorious blog! And also, may the riches of this world and beautiful girls be attracted to him as well!

"...OK, that's too much, you know perfectly well most beautiful girls aren't into a mental person....."

Of Sacrifice and the Passing Time

-Today marks my 4th time celebrating Eid-ul-Adha far away from my home. Today's celebration was fun, I had a great time together with friends and acquaintances, as well as experiencing the great international experience of celebrating Eid with lots of people from different countries with different cultural background, in a land where most people don't trust organized religions. My fellow Malaysians, Indonesians, Bangladeshis, Indians, Pakistanis, Arabs, Turkish.....it is really a different experience here in Japan, and I am going to treasure the experience, regardless of my largely agnostic attitude towards my old faith.

-Well, I don't want to be talking too much about faith, as I am still confused and trying to find my way out in a mature way that's acceptable by me. But still, the sacrifice made by Abraham and his son Ishmael (Christians say it's Isaac, but what the hell, maybe God asked for them both, I don't really care no more), that is a kind of story that makes you think, what sacrifice actually is.

-Is sacrifice made out of necessity really sacrifice? Does being forced to lost or give up something can be really considered a sacrifice? Can one sacrifice another, in the name of any imaginable cause? Does God require sacrifice, or is it really us that require sacrifice? Those are some of the questions that went out in my mind, as I tried in vain to focus on the after-prayer sermon, disturbed by noises of children playing (I really don't get it how children who don't really speak the same language manage to communicate and play together. We adults must have lost something as we grow up).

-Yes, the 4th Eid-ul-Adha in a foreign land also reminds me of the passing time. Of course I am aware of the argument that time doesn't really exist in a physical sense; I am also aware of the argument that the experience of a passing time is merely a side-effect of us organizing our experiences in a sensible order. Yet, in the end, it seems that the conventional idea of time really does work for most of us, most of the time. And I am still subject to my mental depression which enhances my sense of the passing time, and this makes me feel like God is playing games with me, a game called Responsibility and Regrets, in which I am being held responsible for every mistake that I did, and as a result, I feel regrets which are useless, because I don't seem to be able to learn anything from them, nor am I able to move forward in a real way.

-I think I need to stop being nihilistic; it is of no real use to me. Let's just be pessimistic.

Not only does Men be more judgmental than God,

They also assume That God to be as ridiculously judgmental as they are.

Such an act is an insult to the Oneness of God.

There Has To Be A Way

-There has to be a way, a different way to see the world. If the Sufi says that the path to God is as many as the numbers of souls that have lived on this earth, then there must be the same number of ways of viewing this world too.

-Am I right, or am I wrong? I hope I am somewhat correct.

The Jewish God

-In Islam, we have the phrase Alhamdulillah.

-In Christianity, they have the phrase Hallelujah.

-Both are phrases in praise of the Lord God the Only One.

-That's basically it.

Posterity

-Muammar Qadhafi is dead.

-I don't know; my feelings are mixed.

-A part of me feels that this is the sign of a change towards a better, more democratic, more liberal and more open Muslim world, which will be able to accommodate more people, generate more advancements, advance academically and economically as well as being politically more vibrant and stable. There will be a new generation, that will advance without fear, without any post-colonial inferior complex, without any blockade from any other forces, be it external or internal and be able to come into terms with the current worldwide revolution of the way of life.

-Yet another part of me mourns the nostalgia of the old post-independence past of Muslim world; a part of our collective history as a Muslim ummah, in which we were lead by leaders that were autocratic, anti-Western, and maintains their power through some sort of status quo, which differ from countries to countries. The Muslims of that time were pretty resistant to outside influences, due to their strong anti-colonialism, anti-Zionist and nationalistic conviction, that Muslim ummah needed to recreate an identity as a collective whole, an identity any Muslim-be him secular or religious, liberal or conservative, right-wing or left-wing, politically concerned or apolitical, Shiite or Sunni-can proudly identify with. The Muslims at that time were idealistic, and even though there were too many mistakes done and too many bloodshed occurred, at least Muslims were sure, that they want a brighter future as a Muslim ummah.

-The era has come and passed.

-What has remained is the spirit of the Muslims, who demands and seeks continuously, the fulfillment of their spiritual and worldly needs, and the betterment of their states, both secular and religiously.

-Yet we are living in a dangerous world, in which ideals fail you, extremism thrives here and there, prejudices abound, and Messianic fears of the impending Armageddon feeds the ideology of Apocalyptic beliefs both within and outside the Muslim world. Muslims are afraid of non-Muslims, non-Muslims are afraid of Muslims, and fear breeds hatred between both. Plus, the mistakes that both sides have done, the bloodshed, the violence and the lies told have marred the trust between both sides, not to mention among both sides. Humans have developed a complex society that is interlinked together by a single capitalistic economic system as well as a highly advanced communicating system, and the combination of these two systems have in turn provided an impetus for a very rapid change to our human society, that the world doesn't look the same as it used to be as recent as 10 years ago. The effect is that many brilliant systems of the past have largely end up obsolete; and in my honest observation, Islam too, has ended up the same way.

-Hence, in order for Islam to survive, it needs to be reformed. I am not talking about purification of Islam the way the Wahabist faction wants it, I am not talking about the revival of Caliphate as espoused by the Muslim Brotherhood, I am not talking about the Iran-styled Islamic Revolution.

-I am talking of a total CHANGE IN ATTITUDE towards the very core of our faith; QURAN AND SUNNAH. I am talking about CHANGING the INTERPRETATION ALTOGETHER. I am talking about BRAVING OURSELVES TO GO AGAINST THE CLERICAL AUTHORITY, and CHANGING THE STATUS QUO OF THE MUSLIMS. ALTOGETHER.

-This is dangerous talk, I am well aware of that, and I might be missing a lot of vital points too. But the Muslims always wanted a kind of Muslim Renaissance. They need to refer back to the European society. The European advances by adopting a radically different attitude towards the Christian church, resulting in a very big schism in the Christendom. The French Revolution were as bloody as can be; the concepts of democracy was challenged by its antithesis, the communism, the secular people departs from the church, and the culture of the Christian Europe was changed radically, that the current Europe bears little resemblance to the Europe of the Dark Ages.

-I want to say that, in many ways, our current situations mirrors that of the European Dark Age; Heretics are hunted and killed, religiously we're being mind-controlled by the clerics, there's no real religious freedom in a practical sense, the society was afraid of outside influence. We need to change that.

-But this is not easy. In fact, this will be very hard, there's going to be a big turmoil in the Muslim ummah, and the ummah might be split more, if any rash attempts at change are being put into practice.

-But if Muslims really believed in transforming themselves into a better condition, we need to abandon our safe, established ground.

-And yet, many people, too many people are too afraid. They are convinced that the world is at its End, and thus may see any attempt at change as negative, the sign of the Devil, the Zionist (or Freemasonry) plot, the Antichrist plotting his move. These are prophecies; I found it weird that Islam taught us not to believe in prophecies whilst espousing these kind of prophecies. It doesn't sound right, it is contradictory, and it is a blunder. The Muslim ummah is engulfed in some sort of Apocalyptic fear, which does not do us much good.

-To end this post, I would like to say that frankly, I myself am feeling afraid, that Apocalypse is coming near. Apocalypse means the end of the world as we know it; the end of our worldly hopes and desires for a better place in this world. The belief in Apocalypse is some sort of a sign of submission towards a certain Will, that is bigger than all of us, that dictates all of our lives. But let's not be afraid of Apocalypse anymore; we must free ourselves from this fear.

-Muammar Qadhafi is dead. Innalillah wa inna ilaihi rajiun.

New Design For An Old Battered Heart

-Neh. I redesigned the blog out of boredom. Plus, it is a way to remind myself that a long time had passed since I left Sarawak in 2008 to pursue my studies, that ultimately proved to be a start of my new life.

-"My new life." Sounds optimistic, right? But my experience and observation has taught me, that this 'new life' is not what it may sounds like; to many inexperienced boys and girls, the phrase holds promises, yet to me and to some other pessimistic humans, the phrase brings a scary prospect. "What is it going to be like?""Where am I going from now on?""Do I really get to decide and determine my path from now on?"

-The questions, not many of us know the answer. Or even if we know the answer, ultimately the answer proved to be too idealistic, too optimistic and doesn't align with the reality of our lives, which makes the answer a white innocent lie and falsity, and the fact brings almost everyone with a faint heart down. Only those who are strong enough survive. Luckily, humans are indeed programmed to survive; thus, many people emerge from the depths of their despairs a reformed and stronger person. However, not all of them are entitled to such awards; some choose to give up. Which is kind of sad and weird, because everything is supposed to be an act of God.

-Many people would argue that God is the best planner, God knows better and God has better plans reserved for those who are in deep despair. They may be right; but then again, they may be wrong.

Ce Monde

Je n'aime pas ce monde.

Palestin

-Palestin itu seharusnya menjadi sebuah daulat, negara yang wajar diiktiraf oleh dunia seluruhnya.

Karma Lepas

-Cutiku di Malaysia telah tiba di penghujung.

-Kini aku telah kembali berada di rantau Jepun ini, dengan angin badai musim luruh yang menyambutku dengan kedinginan nyaman, berbeza dengan ketika aku meninggalkan Jepun dahulu, di mana pada ketika itu hujan turun, petanda perubahan musim yang menjelma. Aku secara jujurnya merasa agak aneh, kerana semalam aku masih berada di Kuala Lumpur, dan pada minggu lepas aku masih di Sarawak, dan perasaannya seolah-olah aku berada di dimensi yang berlainan, dengan bahasa yang berlainan, cuaca yang berlainan, orang-orang yang berlainan, lantas semua ini menyedarkan aku akan hakikat diriku yang punya daya upaya yang amat terhad, amat terbatas, dibatasi oleh sunnatullah dan hududullah yang merangkumi semesta seluruhnya.

-Kerana itu kadang-kala aku teringin untuk percaya bahawa Tuhan itu tidak wujud. Kesempurnaan ciptaan-Nya, kehebatan qadar-Nya, kesaksamaan pengaturan-Nya, semua itu tidak menjadikan aku seorang yang mencintai Tuhan, bahkan aku menjadi benci kepada-Nya, kepada kebesaran-Nya, kepada keagungan-Nya, kepada kewujudan-Nya. Aku benci kerana aku takut, bahawa kekuasaan itulah yang merampas harapanku, dan sesetengah orang mungkin berkata, bahkan Quran turut berkata bahawa Allah itu sebaik-baik perancang, namun aku kadang-kala merasa keinginan untuk menulis kembali kisah-kisah silam, untuk memadamkan segala apa yang disesalkan aku dan untuk menulis takdirku mengikut kemahuanku.

-Barangkali aku terlalu banyak berfikir. Barangkali aku membazirkan tenagaku di atas pemikiran yang sia-sia. Barangkali aku terlalu bosan dalam hidupku, dan perasaan bosan ini merasuk mindaku menjadi gila, berfikiran yang bukan-bukan sahaja. Barangkali aku harus bergerak mencari wanita untuk menjadi temanku di malam-malam, ataupun membaca lebih banyak Quran, ataupun berpeleseran dengan kawan-kawan, kerana perkara-perkara ini lebih bermanfaat untukku, lebih menyeronokkan dan lebih pintar.

-Tapi nampak gayanya karma lepas telah menghantuiku, kerana aku membiarkan diriku dihantuinya.

-Seorang daripada rakan lamaku telah mengatakan bahawa aku seorang yang terlalu paranoid. Aku berasa kata-katanya amat betul, aku sangat setuju dengan kenyataan itu. Dan paranoia selalunya merupakan sindrom, tanda-tanda kerosakan otak, minda yang 'dysfunctional', dan barangkali aku sedang mengalami 'mental spiral' yang mungkin berkesudahan kurang baik. Simpang malaikat empat puluh empat, kata orang Melayu. Mengapa empat puluh empat? Aku tidak berminat dengan sebab musababnya.

Yearning

-I yearn for a change.

-I yearn for courage to change.

-Yet I don't want everything to change.

The Time That Had Passed

-Eid is approaching.

Malaysia?

-Patriotism is overrated, dude.

کمبالي ک اصل

-Sudah setahun setengah aku mengembara.

-Dalam setahun setengah aku mengembara, aku melihat dan mengalami berbagai-bagai perkara, baik kegembiraan mahupun musibah, dan semua perkara itu telah mengubahku menjadi seorang yang berbeza.

-Kerana itu, aku berasa agak gundah-gulana tentang kepulanganku ke negeri asalku, ke pangkuan kerabatku dan sahabat-sahabat lamaku. Apakah aku akan pulang di mata mereka sebagai orang yang sama, atau apakah aku telah berubah terlalu jauh sehingga aku menjadi asing di mata mereka? Dan apakah aku boleh mengharapkan bahawa tempat aku lahir dahulu, rakan-rakan yang aku ketawa bersama dahulu, dan keluarga yang aku sayangi akan sama seperti dahulu? Secara realistik, aku berfikir bahawa jawapannya ialah tidak.

-Umurku sudah lebih 21 tahun. Rambutku telah mencecah paras bahu. Pandangan dan falsafah hidupku sudah bertukar. Ilmuku bertambah tapi aku berasa bertambah bebal. Apakah aku yang sebegini, bisa berharap bahawa segala-gala yang kukenal di rantau asalku akan bisa kekal, sepertimana ketika aku meninggalkannya dahulu? Tak mungkin, malahan tidak patut aku menyimpan harapan sedemikian, yang aku sangat tahu akan hanya menghampakan diriku.

-Aku tidak percaya pada konsep "selama-lamanya." Konsep itu sebetulnya bukan sebahagian daripada realiti dunia kita ini. Konsep selama-lamanya hanyalah dikhususkan untuk Allah, dan untuk Hari Pembalasan. Bahkan dalam Al-Quran itu, salah satu daripada nama yang Allah bagi kepada Hari Kiamat itu ialah " Yaum al-Khuld", Hari Yang Kekal. Konsep "kekal", konsep "selama-lamanya" ini tidak wujud dan tidak ada tempat di dunia kita ini, yang ditadbir berdasarkan takdir, masa dan Kalam Allah di Luh Mahfuz. Mengapa harus kita berharap bahawa hari ini akan kekal, situasi kita hari ini akan kekal?

-Memang kita punya harapan dan kemahuan bahawa apa yang kita sukai hari ini, sayangi hari ini, percaya hari ini, semua yang indah-indah ini akan kekal selamanya. Aku juga memiliki kemahuan ini, kemahuan bahawa perasaanku kepada si dia akan kekal selamanya, dia akan menjadi milikku sampai bila-bila, segala apa yang aku ada hari ini bisa ku bawa hingga akhir masa.

-Tapi dunia ini bukan tempat begitu. Dunia, seperti kata Allah, adalah tempat yang sementara, tempat kita bergurau senda. Gurau senda tidak akan membawa kita ke syurga, tidak akan membawa kita ke mana-mana. Ianya hanya satu benda yang menahan kita, mengurung kita dalam realiti bernama dunia. Dunia, walaupun dikatakan oleh Allah adalah gurau senda, namun gurau senda itu tiada kebahagiaan kekal di dalamnya, gurau senda itu tidak membawa kegembiraan kepada kita, malahan kita terkurung kerananya, kita tidak bebas kerananya, kerana kita diikat oleh keinginan kita kepadanya.

-Keinginan untuk kembali ke asal yang indah, akhirnya hanya akan mengecewakan diri. Buddha mengajar pengikut-pengikutnya untuk tidak mengharapkan apa-apa. Muhammad mengajar bahawa dunia ini tidak setinggi akhirat nilainya. Isa mengajar kita jangan berharap kepada masa depan. Masa depan tidak seindah mana, masa dahulu tidak bisa dikejar. Kita terperangkap. Kita diperangkap. Dan kita akan selamanya terperangkap, selagi kita tidak melihat kenyataan ini, kenyataan bahawa harapan yang terlalu tinggi akan menjadi harapan yang palsu, yang memusnahkan kita, yang menghancurkan kita, yang membawa kita ke neraka buatan kita sendiri.

-Aku pada malam ini mengharapkan agar aku bisa sujud di Kuala Lumpur besok hari, agar si dia akan sihat sejahtera sentiasa dan untuk sesaat cuma, janganlah ada peluru dimuntahkan dari mana-mana senjata.

-La haula wa la quwwata illa billah Al-Ali, Al-Azim.

تشاؤم

إن الله مع الصابرين

Murni

-Murni. Satu perkataan. Satu sifat. Di mana kita bisa menukilkan daripadanya makna-makna yang tertentu, menurut pemahaman kita terhadap bahasa Melayu khususnya, dan pemahaman kita tentang realiti kita umumnya.

-Adapun "murni" itu dalam Kamus Dewan ditakrifkan sebagai "tidak mengandungi unsur-unsur asing, bersih benar, suci, tulen". Dari ini dapat dimaknakan bahawa "murni" membawa erti yang mengandungi konsep ketulenan, kesucian, atau dalam kata Inggerisnya "purity", "pure".

-Maka, perkataan "murni" ini seringkali membawa pengertian bahawa sesuatu yang digambarkan atau dibicarakan sebagai murni, membawa bayangan bahawa perkara demikian tidak dicemari oleh unsur-unsur yang boleh merosakkan kejatiannya atau sifat azalinya.

-Namun di dalam menelusuri takrif makna murni ini, kita bisa merenung ke dalam realiti kita yang jauh sekali berbeza dari bayangan kata "murni" ini. Kita boleh melihat di dalam keadaan dunia dan kehidupan kita, baik dari segi peribadi mahupun amnya, kita jarang sekali boleh terserempak dengan sesuatu yang benar-benar murni, sesuatu yang tidak punya cacat cela dan pengaruh yang kurang diingini.

-Saya berfikir bahawa kata "murni" ini membawa satu makna dunia bayangan yang diwacanakan oleh penuturnya, bahawa ada satu keadaan di mana tidak ada pencemaran dan penyelewengan berlaku, segala-gala yang dipandang akan punya sifat kejatian yang tidak tercemar.

-Adakah bayangan ini boleh dimuatkan di dalam hakikat kehidupan kita?

C'est Ma Vie

俺は今すごく大ピンチになっている。

敬虔な若者たちが多すぎる。俺は宗教的自由主義者なので、彼らとはなかなか話が合わない。

日本語はあまりにも難しすぎて、できるだけ日本語で会話をするのを避けようとしている。

日常的に俺は悩んでいる。

個人的なお金の問題から世界的な不公平の問題まで全てのことについて考えて、余計な悩みになってしまう。

俺の彼女いない暦は生まれて生きてきた期間と同じ永さである。

文学部の哲学専修に所属していても、俺は「哲学とは何か」と言う簡単で基本的な質問にさえ答えられない。

俺の好きな女の子が俺のことを嫌がっているみたい。

こういう状態こそ俺のたった一つの人生である。

文句あってもともかく C'est ma vie!

Life

-Life is a responsibility thrust upon you by God's force.

Republik Sarawak

'Negara Republik Sarawak Bumi Kenyalang. Berkependudukan kurang 5 juta jiwa, dengan bahasa Melayu sebagai bahasa rasminya. Ditadbir di bawah sistem republik, dan pilihan raya sekali setiap 5 tahun. Matawangnya Ringgit Sarawak. Ibu negaranya Sibu, kerana sejarahnya Kuching dibom dengan teruk di saat revolusi kemerdekaan Sarawak menentang kezaliman kerajaan pusat Kuala Lumpur. Presiden pertamanya Abdul Rauf, yang memakai gelaran penuh "Pehin Seri Paduka Betara Awangku Mulia Tuan Presiden Abdul Rauf Pengiran Melanau, Ar-Rais Nassarahullah" dan memerintah secara diktator, sehingga beliau dibunuh, dan kini ditadbir oleh presiden keduanya, Mohamad Asri Dzulhilmi yang dipilih secara demokratik. Cogan kata negara Sarawak adalah "Agi Idup". '

-Tuk lah keja aku mun sikda apa-apa mok molah. Gila apa ngkah gelaran panjang-panjang.

Selamat Tinggal Dunia

-Dalam novel "Keluarga Gerilya" karangan Almarhum Pramoedya Ananta Toer, salah seorang watak yang terutama dalam cerita itu, Amilah, ada mengungkapkan kata-kata berikut:
"Dunia mulai kurang ajar! Dunia boleh dibakar!"

-Novel "Keluarga Gerilya" adalah novel bahasa Melayu-Indonesia yang paling menjadi kegemaran aku kerana temanya yang bersifat kemanusiaan dan sejagat. Walaupun Pramoedya, pengarang novel berkenaan adalah seorang komunis yang terlibat dalam Lembaga Kebudayaan Rakyat yang dianggap sebagai satu titik hitam dalam sejarah seni kebudayaan Indonesia, namun penceritaan dalam "Keluarga Gerilya" sangat menyentuh hatiku dalam pengolahan katanya, penyusunan ceritanya dan keperitan yang tersirat di dalamnya.

-Tetapi ketika aku mula membaca novel tersebut, umurku baru mencecah belasan tahun. Aku punya sedikit kefahaman mengenai dunia saat itu: keganasan, anti-Islam, penindasan warga Palestin yang berlanjutan lebih setengah abad, kemelesetan ekonomi, politik Malaysia yang melecehkan. Aku ketika itu belum mampu menyedari hakikat dunia yang macam cibai ini.

-Ketika umurku belasan tahun, aku seorang yang benar-benar yakin tentang agama, yakni Islam. Percaya bahawa segala hujah Islam adalah benar, segala sistem tawaran Islam pasti berkesan, pemikiran Islam adalah yang paling betul, ibadat Islam adalah yang paling cantik, akidah Islam adalah yang paling bernas sekali.

-Aku ingat lagi bagaimana perasaannya duduk iktikaf di surau selama sejam. Tidak ada apa-apa lain yang aku buat, sekadar duduk termenung. Ketika itu memang boleh kurasakan seolah-olah surau itu adalah satu bentuk tempat perlindungan, satu tempat istirehat, tempat di mana aku boleh melepaskan diri dari hakikat kehidupan aku.

-Hidupku sewaktu masih belasan tahun tidak sempurna. Krisis identiti melanda sentiasa. Peribadiku tidak setuntas mana. Pemalas, mudah putus asa, obsesi, pemarah.

-Namun kalau diimbas kembali, entah mengapa, saat itu kelihatan lebih indah di mataku sekarang. Barangkali ini adalah tindak balas psikologi yang merencanakan supaya kita melihat sesuatu yang kita tidak bisa miliki, tetapi ingin kita miliki sebagai sesuatu yang indah.

-"Bagaikan Syaitan di Pintu Syurga,
Hanya mampu melihat segala."

-Selamat tinggal dunia. Engkau bagiku tiada makna.

Keharusan

-Keharusan kita mengambil peduli tentang hal ehwal masyarakat sarwajagat adalah sesuatu yang tidak boleh dipertikaikan lagi.

-Tapi kadang-kala ada perkara yang kita tidak dapat tentukan sama ada baik atau buruk, kerana dunia ini sudah terbalik.

-Saya sudah penat dan kelelahan menghakimi setiap apa yang saya lihat. Saya sudah tidak tahu lagi. Saya juga punya masalah tentang keperibadian saya sendiri; apa yang saya boleh lakukan?

-Akhirnya kita cuma boleh berharap agar Tuhan tidak semurka apa yang kita sangka.

The 2011 Kuala Lumpur Fest

-The rally has taken its place today.

-It reminded me of something; I need to read the books I bought on the topic of political philosophy and Islamic history.

-I don't know anything beyond that.

Unnecessary

-Unnecessary things keep on plaguing my world.

-Unnecessary political ideologies mar the planned rally to the Istana Negara (and also the plans made to stop it).

-Unnecessary comments, both supportive and derogatory, of the aforementioned rally, makes the whole thing unnecessarily bigger, and more troublesome.

-Unnecessary feelings harbor over Malaysian viewership of the events.

-Unnecessary things keep on plaguing my world.

-Unnecessary prejudices among people makes international problem-solving difficult, especially but not limited to Arab World, Korean Peninsula, Africa and the whole human-infested areas of the world.

-Unnecessary sexual activity among humans has led to projected, unnecessarily explosive world population control, which in turn led to unnecessary food problem, which as we already know, has been happening for a few too many years for now.

-Unnecessary human desires for comfortable living has led to unnecessary development of technologies and techniques designed for manipulating the planet in an unnecessary way, hence the unnecessary environmental problems.

-Unnecessary things keep on plaguing my world.

-Unnecessary ego keeps me from changing myself to become a better person, and that has in turn, been keeping me unnecessarily depressed.

-Unnecessary desires has brought onto me some problems with someone, whose names I would rather not mention in order to keep the peace, and that in turn makes me more unnecessarily depressed.

-Unnecessary carelessness has been plaguing me the last week, resulting in me having to fail two subjects in an unnecessarily stupid way, and that in turn gives me more unnecessary depression.

-Unnecessary things keep on plaguing my world.

This Little Blue World

-It is June. I am supposed to be working on my project, namely the research on the topic of linguistic relativity, but I haven't progressed at all since I started collecting and reading all the related stuffs. Of course, I have understood a few key points, but as a whole, the project is not at all progressing, and I have only until next Friday to conclude my research.

-I am also supposed to be studying Philosophy, but the fact that all the philosophical books are formidable, hard to understand (I suspect one of the reasons is because the authors, who happen to be philosophers as well, are crazy, so they just can't make use of easy-to-understand language) and thick, makes it harder for me to endure it, and I suspect that me too is fast becoming a philosopher (read: crazy).

-This little blue world, is not blue. Nor is it little. But it is for me. Apparently.

Fearful 2

-One of my friends had returned safely from the blessed land of Hejaz, from the city of Makkah and Madinah, after completing his umrah. Barakallah alaika Kuloh.

-On the other hand, life goes on as usual.

-Can't we see there's something amiss?

-Thinking about this, makes me feel fearful.

Time 3

-Time passed by quickly. Soon, I will have my 21st birthday, and this time I won't expect nothing. Expectations only let you down; hence I won't ask for anything.

-In an unrelated subject, apparently dear Taib Mahmud, the longtime Chief Minister (Iban: Kepala Menteri) has decided to step down before the next election, according to Utusan Malaysia, the notorious, increasingly unreliable Malaysian newspaper.

-Duh. Doesn't mean anything much to me, currently trapped in Osaka, laboring and studying hard, albeit half-heartedly (might I also say half-assedly), in Philosophy Major. I have got no time to deal with no Chief Minister stepping down. It is overdue, anyway.

-Then, we have got news regarding the death of Osama bin Laden, this century's most celebrated figure, next to Justin Bieber. Some people, who doesn't care about Good and Evil (apparently that includes me as well) might wish that Bieber might be the next one to go. God forbid, for many of the Bieber's underage fans will cry, as if he were their husband.

-Duh. Enough of this thing, I have got no time for no bin Laden's death.

(Interlude: "Shouldn't you be praying that God forgive his soul?"

Outro: "I won't do something that offends lots of other souls."

Interlude: "But you said that you don't care about Good and Evil."

Outro: "Yup, but as it turned out, I happen to be a lazy, God-only-knows-how-evil-he-is person. So, the only thing that I would say is: 'To God do we return'.")

-Of course, whether God does exist depends on what you want to believe, and whether you do believe that God is kind enough to be authoring Scriptures for humans to read.

-Duh. I need to repent. Time is running short.

Better

-I'm feeling much better.

-I don't know why. Is it because of the summer, is it because of the shining sun, is it because of the flowers in the garden that blossoms? Well, I couldn't care less about the reason.

-What is important is that I'm feeling better.

-"All praise is due to Allah, Creator of the Heavens and the Earth, who made the angels messengers having wings two, three or four. He increases in creation what He wills. Indeed, Allah is over all things competent." (Quran, 35:1)

-At least I am feeling better for now. Depression don't disappear once you have them. It is there to stay.

Questioning Desires

-Am I still spiritually alive?

3 O'clock In The Morning

-I can't sleep.

-I miss everyone.

-I miss all the good times, it feels almost as if the Heaven was in the past.

-I am afraid of the future, I am afraid of time, I am afraid of the world. The world is getting nastier each day, one might wonder if God had actually forsaken this world and condemned it to Armageddon, leaving the inhabitants full with their anxieties and worries.

-It doesn't seem to get better each day. The life is increasingly depressing, and the obligations and the responsibilities gets heavier, and time is running short on me. With all of these, many of the people around me, including me, try to adjust, some by being more religious, some by being less religious, some by engaging in relationships, some by immersing themselves in more works or ideologies, and some just let themselves get dragged by the time, going with the flow.

-Yeah, it's hopeless. It's hopeless for those who let themselves fall down the grace, and sink down into the abyss of life. But some are still hopeful, some are still full of energy, some are being re-energized and some still try to carry on, albeit with little strength.

-What position am I in, then?

-Sometimes, I feel like giving up. Sometimes, I feel like running away. But if I give up, then what should I do? If I want to run away, where do I escape? And what from?

-And I think, maybe I am not the only one. No, it is the fact that I am not the only one. Everyone wants to take shelter from the cruelties of this world. Some find it in their beloved ones, some find it in religion, some find it in their friends, but some people are still unable to shelter themselves from the world.

-I don't consider myself a religious person anymore, but maybe it would be appropriate to quote from the Quran here; I still rely on Quran for spiritual health.

إِنَّا نَحْنُ نُحْيِي وَنُمِيتُ وَإِلَيْنَا الْمَصِيرُ

-"Indeed it is We who give life and cause death, and to Us is the destination."(Quran, 50:43)

-I don't know. It's already 3 o'clock in the morning.

Waiting

I am waiting.

Say "God is One"

-I never thought it could be.

-I always felt it was "somewhere else"

-Even though before, I was indeed concerned and worried about catastrophes, and trying to assess them as if I were involved, this time, I just feel sick. I can't assess anything, I'm just plain depressed. And I am not exactly directly affected.

-Hence I am just stressing that God, if He does exist, and I do believe somehow He exists, is worthy of praise, worthy of fear, worthy of love.

-Remember, that God is One.

99 Names Of Allah

-I believe some of the Muslim readers have heard about the 99 Names of Allah, "Asmaul Husna".

Because this is my 99th post, I somehow want to view all these names inside this post.

Let's go.

1. Allah

2. Ar-Rahman

3.Ar-Rahim

4.Al-Malik

5.Al-Quddus

6.As-Salam

7.Al-Mu'min

8.Al-Muhaimeen

9.Al-Aziz

10. Al-Jabbar

11. Al-Mutakabbir

12. Al-Khaliq

13. Al-Bari'

14. Al-Musawwir

15. Al-Ghaffar

16. Al-Qahhar

17. Al-Wahhab

18. Ar-Razzaq

19. Al-Fattah

20. Al-'Alim

21. Al-Qabidh

22. Al-Basit

23.Al-Khafidh

24. Ar-Rafi'

25. Al-Mu'iz

26. Al-Mudzil

27. As-Sami'

28. Al-Basir

29. Al-Hakam

30. Al-'Adl

31. Al-Latif

32. Al-Khabir

33. Al-Halim

34. Al-Azim

35. Al-Ghafur

36. As-Syakur

37. Al-Ali

38. Al-Kabir

39. Al-Hafiz

40. Al-Muqit

41. Al-Hasib

42. Al-Jalil

43. Al-Karim

44. Ar-Raqib

45. Al-Mujib

46. Al-Wasi'

47. Al-Hakim

48. Al-Wadud

49. Al-Majid

50. Al-Ba'ith

51. As-Syahid

52. Al-Haq

53. Al-Wakil

54. Al-Qawiyy

55. Al-Matin

56. Al-Wali

57. Al-Hamid

58. Al-Muhsi

59. Al-Mubdi

60. Al-Mu'id

61. Al-Muhyi

62. Al-Mumit

63. Al-Hayy

64. Al-Qayyum

65. Al-Wajid

66. Al-Majid

67. Al-Wahid

68. As-Samad

69. Al-Qadir

70. Al-Muqtadir

71. Al-Muqaddim

72. Al-Mu'akkhir

73. Al-Awwal

74. Al-Akhir

75. Az-Zohir

76. Al-Batin

77. Al-Wali

78. Al-Muta'ali

79. Al-Barr

80. At-Tawwab

81. Al-Muntaqim

82. Al-Afuw

83. Ar-Ra'uf

84. Malik al-Mulk

85. Dzuljalal wal Ikram

86. Al-Muqsit

87. Al-Jami'

88. Al-Ghani

89. Al-Mughni

90. Al-Mani'

91. Ad-Dharr

92. An-Nafi

93. An-Nur

94. Al-Hadi

95. Al-Badi

96. Al-Baqi

97. Al-Warith

98. Ar-Rasyid

99. As-Sabur

I don't get it yet.

Ego

-It's ego, isn't it?

-To talk badly about other people, other ideologies, other kinds of values.

-It affects me too.

-It can affect me, real badly. It has. In fact, it is, right now.

-That's ego.

-Ego makes it hard to believe, makes it hard to accept other's advices, makes it hard to even think straight.

-Ego is the thing that makes me feel, after receiving any messages, like this:

"But then...,"Well,.....,""You see....""Er...."

-See? Doubt emanates from ego. How can one believe sincerely in the Lord's religion, when ego fills the brain and the heart?

-It's too hard. Our ego is an integral part of us.

-I need to keep on trying, don't just stop here, it's not yet the end.

Fearful

Sometimes I'm fearful, that my sense of reality has become distorted.

Sitting Down

-After hearing all the news last night, I can't help but to rejoice.

-But then I remembered one thing.

-I have done virtually nothing.

-It's like a joke, when you're celebrating things that you didn't actually fight for. I was just sitting down in my room, watching the news, surfing the net comfortably alone.

-I really didn't do anything.

-And here I am, with some misplaced arrogance, saying things in my blog, things about struggle, freedom, liberty and stuff. Do I really have a thorough understanding of these? Do I really care for these? Do I have it in me the courage and the willpower to say it when I have to say it openly?

-I really don't think so.

-In my blog, I have repeatedly said some of my stances. But I did not exactly express them in the most honest way; I have self-censored some parts, sugar-coat some parts, and saying things that I personally did not believe.

-But in this post, I think that maybe I can say some of the things I have been concealing, out of my fear.

1. I don't believe in Khilafah.

2. I don't want an Islamic state.

3. I don't want a state run by Islamic law.

4. I believe in a fully secular government.

5. I am a practicing Muslim, however at the same time, I also adhere to some Buddhist principles.

6. I am not a Sunni.

7. I don't believe that the Companions are all good people.

8. Yet, I am not a Shiite. I don't believe in Imamiyyah.

9. I don't believe that Muhammad really can be succeeded.

10. Khilafah ended with the assassination of Ali. Umayyads, Abbasids, and Ottoman Turks, are mere monarchies.

11. I believe that Islam should allow itself to be criticized.

12. I ultimately believe that there should be no governments at all.

13. I don't believe in the infallibility of the prophets and messengers. I don't believe in a maksum Muhammad.

14. I don't think that Quran should be followed absolutely.

15. I might be practicing Islam, but in my heart, I am a Deist, and a little bit Antitheist.

Well, to summarize, I am not mainstream Islam anymore.

-I wonder, if one day I have to go and fight for my beliefs.

Revolution

-The president of Egypt, Hosni Mubarak has stepped down from his position as the president.

-Glory be God. Alhamdulillah. Allahu akbar.

-But we must remember, we must always remember one thing.

-Dictators come and go. Ideologies come and go. History goes in circles.

-And thus, the struggle for a better world, a better life and a better self never ends.

-Ila yaum addin.

-Witness, O Lord, and help the Egyptians.

-It is going to be a hard road from now on.

-But I would prefer believing, than not trying.

-Democracy is a goal worth fighting for.

-Liberalism is the key.

-A revolution in the cultural heart of the Muslim world. Imagine it.

Ni Jak Tuju Kita?

(written in Sarawakian Malay)

-Ni jak tuju kita eh? Lamak gilak dah zaman marek ya, walhal sik terasa lalu. Nanga-nanga udah dekat 4 tahun. Sik ada rasa lalu.

-Ni jak tuju kita eh? Mun marek aku tiap-tiap pagi bangun pukul 5, sembahyang subuh, pegi sekolah. Kinek tuk ni ada agik pegi sekolah cam ya. Ni ada pakei uniform apa semua.

-Ni jak tuju kita eh? Mun dolok kita mun ada kerja molah sama-sama kita semua nait motor. Kadang-kadang tayar pancit, kadang-kadang peng. Kinek tuk ni ada agik semua ya. Mun ada sik selalu, time raya jak.

-Ni jak tuju kita eh? Dah abis form 5 semua mbak diri haluan dimpun. Ada nait belon gi Malaya, ada gi Sabah, ada gi Kuching. Oversea pun ada juak. Ni dapat temu selalu cam ya, jauh gilak.

-Ni jak tuju kita eh? Alih-alih kita udah over 20. Bayangkan. Dolok rasa macam akan jadi teens selama-lamanya. Kinek tuk dah sampei umur mengundi. Bayangkan. Dolok rasa macam 21 ya umur yang jauh agik. Alih-alih udah 21.

-Ni ada agik kita berarak Maulid Nabi. Ni ada agik kita belajar di Rosli Dhoby. Ni ada agik aku dengan Jesie. Sik ada jalan yu. Ni dapat agik molah cam marek dolok.

-Tapi sik kiralah ni jak kita tuju, doa aku agik bersama dengan kitak semua.

(Dedikasi untuk rakan-rakan lama sewaktu di Rosli Dhoby)

On Egypt

-The protest have entered its second week.

-We can see on the internet, in the news and televisions, how chaos and anarchy reign in Egypt. Demonstrators calling for the ouster of the decadent of their President, Hosni Mubarak are, as of now, clashing with the so-called Mubarak supporters. Yet it seems to me that those "supporters" are in fact the same people that clashed with the government protesters on last Friday-the police.

-Well, what can I say?

-I can only say, as a person raised in a fairly quiet, stable and comfortable environment, that maybe I just can't comment on anything without being incorrect on some things. But just sitting down here and do nothing does not seem to me a right thing to do too.

-So I am going to say it here. I support the protesters. They are demanding for the oppressive regime to go down, and anyone who supports liberty should side with them.

-Mubarak regime represents everything that is wrong with the Arab world and Islamic world. Dictatorship, lack of liberty, lack of freedom of speech, poverty, income disparity, non-functioning democracy, authoritarian rule, extremist Islamists, oppression of ideas. Leftist ideas are oppressed, religious people are denied to speak out, the poor become poorer, the rich pack up and run away to other countries, the intellectuals being silenced and corrupt politicians infest the whole system.

-We Muslims really are in need of total reformation. And I mean total reformation. Nothing would be left out.

-We need to reform our attitudes. We still have this kind of 15-century mentality. We are still in our Dark Age, we are still ruled by families of dictators and monarchy, which are in fact very much the same thing. We still are afraid of talking about change, and are in a state of culture shock after gaining independence from European colonial powers for about half a century. We still don't exactly know where we are heading, we believed too much that Mahdi and Jesus will come to redeem us, we still believe that The End of Time is pretty much now. Sounds like 15-century Europeans to me.

-We need to reform our attitudes. We still have reservations on talking about how religion shapes our way of thinking, we still think that everyone else is false just because we have Quran at our disposal, we still think that we are a chosen people waiting for the redemption of Muslim ummah. We still can't break away from past, still have dreams about Khilafah. Khilafah had gone its course; it is a thing of the past; why are we still aiming for that outdated institution? Is it because the Quran demands it? I have read Quran a lot and I am pretty positive that Quran is not that into Khilafah, Syariah or Hudud, as we might have been told by outdated clerics and hardliners.

-We need to reform our religion. Why listen to clerics who does not want to change with the time? These clerics are being outpaced by the changing world, and they will say in their defense that we Muslims are now subject to some kind of ideological warfare, the so-called "ghazwul fikr", in which our Muslim faith is attacked by the outside forces, wanting to bring us away from this faith. Well, after all these years listening to sermons, studying ideologies and Islamic faith, and sometimes, teaching about Islamic faith myself, I am now pretty convinced that our Muslim faith is not under attack by any forces; instead, this whole Islamic systemic faith is getting hijacked by the fundamentalists who are afraid of any change. And the system is getting old and damaged.

-This Islamic system is like a ship; sometimes you have to repair it, sometimes you have to replace the sails, sometimes you have to upgrade it. But a ship that is old and beyond repair, needs to be replaced totally. The system has to be abandoned at some point.

-Yet Islamic faith is something that we have been entrusted with, something that we have to deliver to the next generations, and ultimately to God back on the Judgement Day. Islamic faith and system are entirely two different things, the Islamic system being the ship and the faith being the goods. If the ship is beyond repair, we must transfer the goods to another ship in order for the goods to be properly delivered. Faith is all that matters; these systems, these laws are not the things that mattered. Hence I am against fundamentalists.

-I know that what I have said here will have little effects on the world. And it is quite out of topic; Egyptians are rising against a dictator which is not a fundamentalist. So I will return back to the topic.

-Mubarak, and other kinds of dictators, monarchies, and dysfunctional democracies in the Muslim world are, on the other hand, resisting change. They are still under the impressions that the Western colonialism will once again emerge, and subdue Muslim countries. They are still teaching that stability and solidarity is everything, and in order to protect that, they still think that it is necessary to suppress ideas. Well, sometimes you have to suppress ideas that are stupid and wrong, but you can't suppress ideas by force only. And you can't suppress ideas with heavy-handed methods; they're not working that way. And suppressing ideas is not at all democratic; a real democracy is a state in which every idea gets to have their chances of being expressed.

-But the freedom of expressing views is only secondary to the thing that is in the heart of the whole protest; economic problems. Most people will not adhere to any ideology; they will be practical and not be interested in ideals. They will want to have a good education, good jobs, good money, and affordable prices. But this is not the case in Mubarak's regime: Rising unemployment, price hikes and widespread poverty is apparent. And despite the fact that Egypt's economy is expanding, the unemployment continues to be the norm, the income disparity continues to worsen, and the people can't taste that expanding economy's benefits. Every society can withstand this kind of situation for some time; but Egypt has reached a point when people can no longer tolerate this economic stagnation.

-Hence, I would like to conclude, that democracy is a very important thing. Liberty must be upheld. Economy must be expanded. However, the most important thing of all is that everyone must get to enjoy the benefits, lest a revolution shall happen.

-Long live Egypt. Get out, Mubarak.

Get Stronger

-I just need to be stronger than before.

Depression 4

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	High
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	High
Avoidant Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

W4LR6S

Today, I want to tell you about my alter ego. Yeah, that non-pronounceable name.

The concept of W4lr6s is:

1. He was born after the real person whom he actually is in real life, was rejected angrily by a girl.The ego came out, furious and stressful, but way too cowardly to speak up in real life, so he showed up in that real person's writings.

2. W4lr6s has no good intentions. What he wants is to ultimately kill God and become God himself. However, this is a ridiculous and impractical idea, which makes him all the more depressed. W4lr6s takes pleasure in absolutely nothing, and hates everything.

3. w4lr6s is a depressed man, and his depression makes him feel old, rusty and dead. He is convinced he will go to Hell, and he does not want Heaven, for he hates the God. W4lr6s is also a pedophile, and while he can't enjoy anything, seeing little girls does make him smile.

4. W4lr6s has some issues regarding his own existence. He questions everything, and does not believe that there is a single thing called truth. He believes that everything is a lie, even his own beliefs. Which of course adds up to his depressions.

5. W4lr6s despises Abdul Rauf. Both of them, sharing a single body, mind and conscience, constantly fight with each other, resulting in periodical madness and unending monologues. W4lr6s wants to kill Abdul Rauf, but is too cowardly to face the consequences.

It's A Lovely Winter Out There

-It's a lovely winter out there. The morning has finally came, and I have had a sleepless night. Well, I will just sleep throughout the day, so there will be no worries about having not enough sleep.

-It's a lovely winter out there, and I am still here in my room, waiting for miracles, miracles that I don't believe in to happen. That is all I've been doing all this time, waiting. I want to act, a real concrete act, but frankly, I don't know what to do.

-It's a lovely winter out there, and there are lots of nice and great people out there for me to go and socialize with. However, I don't seem to want much socializing with anyone right now, and I blame the cold sunny winter weather for that.

-It's a lovely winter out there, and it seems that I am not going to be a selfless person. I am self-centered, I always think that the world revolves around me, and sometimes I wish I were the God Himself. If I were the One True Lord, then I can do whatever I want, and anyone who does not comply and submit to me, I will send them to hell. It's easy. And being God, I will always be right, make right decisions, plan perfectly and correctly calculate everything, with no one to judge me, and no one to fight me, except they are losing the battle.

-It's a lovely winter out there, and I looked at myself and sighed: I am just a servant of Allah.