Thursday, May 22, 2014

Love Is More Real Than God Itself

-Now, there is a time when I believe that life is going to be good all the time, everything shall be easy and things are going to work. I don't believe in that anymore. Those are superstitions that a boy has during his formative years. A man cannot hold on to such detrimental superstitions. Those unfounded optimistic notions are going to eat him alive, as they fail to realize.

-24 years old and still figuring out what to do with his life, I struggle to understand every single thing I see. I used to think I were a special boy with a mission; that is not true. Not only is it not true, but it is also egoistic in nature. That was me. I didn't know what it feels like to take care of somebody else, what it feels to be an adult. And now I know better. I am not saying I understand it all now; I doubt that anyone understands it all. That is why some questions are best left unanswered, some feelings need to be let go, and some dreams have to die. It is all for the best. But what does the 'best' really means?

-I suspect that the world is as perfect as it can be. It is perfect, with sadness, regret, fear, uncertainty; the negativity, the pain, intertwined arbitrarily with the positive emotions and the desire, form what is to be known as the humanity. Human tries to live up to their desires by facing up to their pain and fear. That is in itself, beyond any human judgment , beautiful. It is beautiful, for it is the reason of everything, and yet, it requires no meaning. It is meaningless, and yet, it is the source for what we see as living.

-But, may be I don't want it to be beautiful. Maybe, I just want to see my utmost desire fulfilled. Maybe I have only one chance at happiness. Maybe I need to make a mistake, maybe I need to go to Hell in order to have that chance fully utilized. Nobody needs it to be beautiful. In the end, it didn't matter; as long as we get to see our love requited, then beauty really doesn't matter. Meaning doesn't matter. Love is all there is to be.

-But, that is a dream that remains unfulfilled. Perhaps it is a superstition that one has to bash like religions, perhaps it is a drug. Things need to be beautiful, and my desires don't have any role, apart from being a part in this beauty, a part that needs to be crushed in order for the beauty to finally blossom and achieve perfection. I need to die to perfect my life. But not now.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Negaraku Nerakaku

-I have returned back from Japan to Malaysia. The weather's still pretty much the same, and so does the appearance. But something here has changed; the atmosphere. It is toxic, full of bigotry and tension, as ideologies clash and personalities fight for air to breathe.

-But it is all not so surprising to me; this is, after all, the long-term results of both the globalization coming from the outside and the conservatism from the inside. What can you expect? It just had to happen. As one of my friends once said, every single hidden thing is coming up. And people find that unpleasant.

-Is it suffice to say that our country has turned a bit Hell-ish? Well, maybe it is not an appropriate term to use here to describe the situation; a revolutionary period would be a better, though still inaccurate, term. This is the time of change.

-We will see massive changes in the society, as tensions go up and hushed up issues got uncovered. Malaysia as we know it is over. But it is not necessarily a bad thing; things change, and change is natural for any single existing being. The problem is whether we have the right attitude and the right reaction to this change. We can choose to adapt or react; but we have to be responsible and respectful of human rights. Think about the future generation. Do we want them burdened with issues regarding human rights, or do we want them free? It is a fairly easy question. Of course, most of the people who are reasonable in their thoughts will want their children free and unburdened with unnecessary issues. That is the struggle we are currently having; seeking freedom not just for ourselves, but for the next generation as well.

-But this struggle means that one has to face a wall that has been there for ages. It is a wall called the insecurity. People are afraid of change. What would change bring; Heaven or Hell? The question is there waiting to be answered. But it is not God who decides the outcome. It is us. We are the ones who have the final decision. Our insecurities, that take the form of institutionalized religion, ideology, racism and conservatism, are going to hold us back from the outcome. But we cannot stay the same. Staying the same would spell the doom for our society. Like it or not, we have to move forward. But some disagree on the direction. That's the reason for so many tensions inside the country.

-Tensions bubble up and might explode if left unchecked and not channeled. We can't expect the government to do this; the government is in itself one of the cause of the tension. The only way is for us to become truly independent of the government and handle this tension in a healthy way, lest our nation becomes a Hell.