Sunday, September 15, 2013

I Miss You

-I can see that my life has been put on halt these few years. It's getting more detrimental to my life to be stuck in the same page over and over again; I had lost countless opportunities due to me being unable to grasp them at the right time and too afraid to take them. Perhaps it's about time I give up and move on with life as a common man; you know, settling down for reality, giving up on my dreams and ambition, graduating and getting a job, being an adult.

-Perhaps I should be working for the government; my anti-UMNO ideology can go in the drain and be flushed in the toilet. Adulthood is about being hypocrite to survive the game without getting hurt. I won't go around saying down with the government anymore; one requires zest and courage to do that, of which I have neither.

-I've been thinking that if I go back to Sarawak, I'm never getting out again; I'll live in Sarawak, work in Sarawak and die in Sarawak. If there's a line of fate that says I'm going out again, then why not? But I think that's fairly unlikely. I should just take a humble profession; you know, academic achievements really matter little at this point if you don't have a job. This ain't no school.

-Perhaps it's safe to assume I won't see most of my friends ever again after graduation. That's normal; that's life; I haven't met Eugene in 6 years, the last time I saw Jesielyna's face was 6, 7 years ago; not to mention those in my childhood years. I've only met Cosmas, Asri, Paul, Luqman during my last time in Sibu, which is months ago. It is going to be a lot harder to meet your old friends. One takes console in the fact that we always meet somebody new; we get new jobs, we go to new places, and there's always people to meet. But is it going to be the same? No. But perhaps I'm getting too emotionally attached.

-I'm starting to get the reason why father always insists on going back to his village on Raya. Because you get homesick; because you miss your friends and families; if you can do it all the time you'd do it; but one always finds himself being constrained by space, time and money. I wonder if people miss me too the way I miss them. I wonder if they'll be able to accept me for who I have become and not just for who I was. It's a constant fear and dilemma.

-I really, really, really miss you.