Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Only Religion For Me

-I have to admit, I am not a good believer.

-I have to admit, I am not even sure whether I do believe, no matter how little.

-I am not sure about the truth of the Scriptures, about the truth of the teachings of Muhammad, about everything regarding the religion.

-I am also not sure that any religion, any person, any book, any word or anything else, can convince me beyond doubt that somehow the Ultimate Truth does exist.

-But in the end, it seems like as of now, Islam is still the only religion for me. I grew up with it, I used to believe it, my behaviors and philosophy is dictated by it, and the recitation of Quran and adhan are still one of the best melodies I've ever heard.

-Then why am I writing this?

-I saw the world full of tragedies. I saw the people full of worries. I saw the future full of uncertainties Too many things have happened, too many tears have we cried. And yet the heaven seems to be far away; heck, it might have not even be real in the first place.

-I've seen how friendships are lost in the name of religion and faith. How people ceased becoming friends due to differences in life philosophy. How people engaged in pointless and stupid arguments trying to figure out the truth, to figure out what God wants; heck, God might not even exist.

-I saw Muslims, I saw Christians, I saw Buddhists, I saw Hindus, I saw Jews, I saw atheists, and I see that they are all suffering in the same plane of existence, and by Lord, they are all pointing hands at each other, blaming all of the problems on somebody else; that is for me, the worst mistake ever, to point at others mistakes, whilst thinking that one is "chosen by God", "viceroy of God", "children of God" and hence thinking that somehow, God is always with you and not with the others.

-How painful to see all of these problems, be it religious or secular, be it big or small, plaguing our little existence. And they said that these problems are part of God's love; the more you are loved, the more you are tested with both pain and success. If that is so, the ones who are loved more, should be the ones who are sadder, who can't believe, who commits sins all the time; the religious and the pious should be the ones being loved less. Yet this is somehow contradictory; for the pious, Heaven and for the sinful, Hell. How can God love you and yet you still go to Hell?

-Of course, I can see the wrongs with the arguments above; after all, it is a test, God is testing you as a sign of His Love, and it is up to us, to complete that relationship, by trying to please Him, by being more religious and kind. But if God does Love us, He wouldn't really care about us loving Him, doesn't He? He wouldn't got so angry that we are neglecting our religious and spiritual aspects, doesn't He? And yet, He got angry; but then this anger, might still be a sign of Love; He is angry at us, because we are not being honest to ourselves, harming ourselves by denying ourselves our honesty, denying ourselves our birthrights to His Love.

-But God is All-Forgiving, God is All-Understanding. Either that, or He's no God! I distance myself from people who attributes constant Anger and being Judgmental as part of His God's attribute; that is an insult to God. And we shouldn't cast anger and judgment on others, either; Only God can do that.

-Oh, how did I lost faith to The Almighty, how unworthy I am of His Mercy, I shouldn't have listened to the fake prayer-mongers, I should have known better, that these people can't exactly know what God wants the most, they don't know Lord, they are blind and they don't even notice that they are blind-how far have I transgressed.

-Islam is still the only religion for me.

Friday, November 25, 2011


-Abdul Rauf of 2006 never imagined that Abdul Rauf of 2010 will go to Osaka.

-The pious Abdul Rauf of 2004 never imagined that Abdul Rauf of 2008 would be a Communist.

-The asexual Abdul Rauf of 2003 never imagined that Abdul Rauf of 2009 would fall in love.

-Heavily Melanau-accented Abdul Rauf of 2005 never imagined that Abdul Rauf of 2011 will be able to understand 10 languages.

-God is scary, indeed.

25 November

-Ari tuk ari birthday somebody. I almost forgot, until I saw the posts on Facebook. "Happy birthday~""Selamat ari menua~""Happy birthday, Jesus bless you~"...these kind of wellwishers wishing that somebody happy birthday.

-All of these, whilst me, stranded here watching and smoking Gudang Garam, wondering why we can't even be friends, even after nearly 4 years after secondary school.

-Ha ha ha. Not that I am sad or lonely, and neither am I having the "aku pengerindu nuan sulu" mood inside my mind. Well, I do feel it a little bit, but the mood is in Standard Malay, not Iban. Not anymore.

-Ah, the sweet 16. "The age when I was still a believer."

-Happy birthday, J*******a, may God protect you, know that somewhere inside his heart, this stupid fool still have some feelings for you.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


-Conscience is the most important thing. You may lose your hope, you may lose your faith, you may lose your bravery, but as long as you don't lose your conscience, you can still go on. Hope can be renewed, faith can be regained, bravery can be rebuild, but conscience-there's only one of it that you can possess.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

مقدمه جديده

C'est la nouvelle introduction pour ce blog. Je doit écrire cette introduction nouvelle....

-OK, enough with the broken French. I have to write the introduction anew, as I have noticed that the blog has departed and evolved way too much since I started it around 2009, that is two years ago.

-May prosperity, wisdom and peace be with the author of this glorious blog! And also, may the riches of this world and beautiful girls be attracted to him as well!

"...OK, that's too much, you know perfectly well most beautiful girls aren't into a mental person....."

Of Sacrifice and the Passing Time

-Today marks my 4th time celebrating Eid-ul-Adha far away from my home. Today's celebration was fun, I had a great time together with friends and acquaintances, as well as experiencing the great international experience of celebrating Eid with lots of people from different countries with different cultural background, in a land where most people don't trust organized religions. My fellow Malaysians, Indonesians, Bangladeshis, Indians, Pakistanis, Arabs, is really a different experience here in Japan, and I am going to treasure the experience, regardless of my largely agnostic attitude towards my old faith.

-Well, I don't want to be talking too much about faith, as I am still confused and trying to find my way out in a mature way that's acceptable by me. But still, the sacrifice made by Abraham and his son Ishmael (Christians say it's Isaac, but what the hell, maybe God asked for them both, I don't really care no more), that is a kind of story that makes you think, what sacrifice actually is.

-Is sacrifice made out of necessity really sacrifice? Does being forced to lost or give up something can be really considered a sacrifice? Can one sacrifice another, in the name of any imaginable cause? Does God require sacrifice, or is it really us that require sacrifice? Those are some of the questions that went out in my mind, as I tried in vain to focus on the after-prayer sermon, disturbed by noises of children playing (I really don't get it how children who don't really speak the same language manage to communicate and play together. We adults must have lost something as we grow up).

-Yes, the 4th Eid-ul-Adha in a foreign land also reminds me of the passing time. Of course I am aware of the argument that time doesn't really exist in a physical sense; I am also aware of the argument that the experience of a passing time is merely a side-effect of us organizing our experiences in a sensible order. Yet, in the end, it seems that the conventional idea of time really does work for most of us, most of the time. And I am still subject to my mental depression which enhances my sense of the passing time, and this makes me feel like God is playing games with me, a game called Responsibility and Regrets, in which I am being held responsible for every mistake that I did, and as a result, I feel regrets which are useless, because I don't seem to be able to learn anything from them, nor am I able to move forward in a real way.

-I think I need to stop being nihilistic; it is of no real use to me. Let's just be pessimistic.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Not only does Men be more judgmental than God,
They also assume That God to be as ridiculously judgmental as they are.
Such an act is an insult to the Oneness of God.