Sunday, July 6, 2014

Between Worlds

-I have started working in KLCC for Microsoft. The pay's pretty decent, the job's not too hard (for now) and the conditions are great. It will be a great place to start improving myself and carving myself a place in the society.
-But deep inside, I am really, really feeling insecure. What if I mess up? I can't afford to mess this up.
-And I also feel regret that I didn't use my youth the way youths are supposed to do; have fun, hang out with friends, be in a romantic relationship (well, the last one's just beyond me). Now all I have to do is grow up.
-Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who grows up with you and loves you the way you love her, and yet she also reminds you of simpler, younger times that you both experienced.
-I don't have that. I thought that I did, but perhaps I will never marry. I am an agnostic; I should be prepared to die a heathen. Heheheh.

Semakin Tua

-As I listened to those Muslims praying Tarawih at the nearby mosque, I thought of myself. I used to be one of them. Yes, my faith was inherited, but I was very dedicated nevertheless. I spent a lot of time reading Quran and the history of the prophets; I spent most of my youth building up my knowledge on the Abrahamic faiths; and as I look around and see all these people who still believe in the Abrahamic God, I can't help but thinking that perhaps there is something I did wrong, there is something I misunderstood, there is something I shouldn't have done.
-Of course, sometimes the majority doesn't get it right. But does being 'right' and being 'true' matter? Is it worth all these alienation, disconnection, loneliness and not belonging? I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I can no longer say I am a Melanau, I am a Muslim, I am a Malaysian, I am a Sarawakian; I have lost connection with what I was born into, what I was supposed to inherit. Why? Because the concept of God as the Abrahamic faith teaches it is philosophically troublesome and there is no such God in the first place?
-Get real; religions, cultures, ideologies are never about God. It's all about fitting in the society, it's all about having a place to live and grow in the society. The society is God in itself; who is rejected by the society suffer, and who's accepted by the society doesn't suffer as much. The society favors some and curses some; isn't that very God-like?

Say, "O Allah , Owner of Sovereignty, You give sovereignty to whom You will and You take sovereignty away from whom You will. You honor whom You will and You humble whom You will. In Your hand is [all] good. Indeed, You are over all things competent. (Quran 3:26)
قُلِ اللَّهُمَّ مَالِكَ الْمُلْكِ تُؤْتِي الْمُلْكَ مَن تَشَاءُ وَتَنزِعُ الْمُلْكَ مِمَّن تَشَاءُ وَتُعِزُّ مَن تَشَاءُ وَتُذِلُّ مَن تَشَاءُ ۖ بِيَدِكَ الْخَيْرُ ۖ إِنَّكَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيرٌ