Thursday, July 29, 2010

Saya Seekor Babi

Lama betul tak buat karangan autobiografi dalam Bahasa Melayu. Baiklah, dengan bahasa yang paling baku dan jitu, saya akan menulis sebuah karangan bertajuk "Saya Seekor Babi".

Saya Seekor Babi

Saya adalah seekor babi yang dilahirkan 5 tahun lepas di sebuah ladang ternak berhampiran dengan pekan Selangau. Saya adalah anak ketiga daripada 12 ekor adik beradik yang lahir dari ibu yang sama. Saya tidak pernah melihat bapa saya kerana ketika saya berada dalam kandungan ibu saya, bapa saya telah disembelih untuk memenuhi permintaan daging babi pada musim Gawai Dayak.

Kini, saya tinggal di ladang ternak babi berdekatan dengan Sarikei. Kehidupan harian saya ringkas. Saya bangun sekitar jam 6 pagi untuk menunaikan ibadat tasbih bersama-sama dengan keluarga saya. Setelah itu, saya akan bersarapan bersama-sama saudara-saudara saya di ruang makan pada pukul 8, di mana pengusaha ladang saya akan menyediakan bahan makanan yang sesuai untuk kesihatan kami.

Pada tengah hari, kami menjalankan aktiviti kebudayaan bebas, di mana sesetengah babi akan berbicara mengenai hal keluarga, kepemimpinan ladang, hal ehwal babi dan keadaan ladang. Saya kurang berminat tentang hal-hal seperti ini kerana lazimnya mereka hanya akan membicarakan perkara yang sama setiap hari tanpa mampu mengambil sebarang tindakan yang positif. Walau bagaimanapun, saya tetap akan mengambil bahagian dalam perbincangan ini kerana saya tidak mahu ketinggalan dalam hal ehwal semasa di ladang saya.

Pada petangnya, kami disajikan lagi dengan makanan yang berkhasiat. Setelah itu, kami akan berkumpul bersama-sama untuk aktiviti tasbih. Aktiviti tasbih ini amat penting agar kami tidak menjadi seperti manusia yang tidak bertanggungjawab dalam melaksanakan tanggungjawab mereka. Dalam aktiviti ini, semua kami akan bertasbih dan bertahmid dengan suara yang perlahan-lahan.

Pada malamnya, kami semua akan tidur untuk menjana kembali tenaga untuk keesokan harinya. Namun, saya jarang-jarang dapat tidur dengan lena. Saya kadang-kala terfikir kenapa kami semua dianggap najis yang terkotor sekali oleh sesetengah manusia. Saya juga terfikir mengapa kami semua diternak sebagai bahan makanan oleh manusia.

Saya tidak tahu bila kehidupan saya akan berakhir. Saya berserah kepada Tuhan Yang Maha Esa dalam perkara berkenaan. Adakah saya akan dihinggapi penyakit, disembelih atau dibunuh, saya tidak pasti. Perkara ini amat menyedihkan hati saya selaku seekor babi yang tidak punya kuasa terhadap kemahuan Ilahi. Saya juga punya keluarga, teman dan sahabat yang saya sangat hargai dan sayangi. Saya tidak menginginkan apa-apa pun terjadi kepada mereka.

Setiap hari saya akan melihat pengusaha ladang saya membawa sesetengah daripada kenalan saya ke tempat yang saya tidak tahu. Saya tidak melihat mereka kembali selepas itu. Mudah-mudahan Allah memberkati mereka.

Semoga suara saya didengari Allah hendaknya, dan moga-moga juga ada manusia yang sudi membayangkan perasaan dan kehidupan kami, walaupun kurang tepat dan tidak menyampaikan isi hati kami yang terpendam.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Killing The Devil

I have reached a conclusion.

I need to kill the devil in my heart, and change for good.

But this is a heavy task.

I might fail, the devil might as well kill me instead.

Well, that's Jihad, I suppose.

Friday, July 23, 2010

My Words Stabbed Me In The Heart

I'm so pissed of with myself. I can't believe it. Why did I tell that lie?
It was like, shit, what's wrong with you, what the hell's in your twisted mind?
But, it was too late, to even ponder what exactly did I say, and shit, why did I say those ridiculous things about my friend?

I should have been honest, and just tell her that I need her, and not saying those fucked up, false things about somebody else, and in the end what do I have in my mind? I swear to God, maybe Hell is the only thing that's more torturing.

Why did I lie to get myself heard, am I that desperate? For her to come to my side, or just say that she will come to my side? Hey, Rauf, tell me why are you so fucked up, why did you lie to two persons, why did you make the story up?

You can't be loving her, no, you don't really love her, you only lust for her, and wonder if someday you might end up in bed with her, but then she said she won't be coming to your place, and fuck it, why did you have to lie? And you said things that are completely untrue, and then regret it, fearful it will come back to you. And it did, shit, should I just laugh at you, when you try to cover it up as the guilty ones do?

Now you'll get it, the ample punishment you deserve, and the one who will punish you will be your own super ego, and the friend you might lose, and the love you might lose. And you DESERVE IT! SHIT! Can't I make the things right, now the damage is done?

Now get honest, don't say no half-truths no more, cause you should know, nothing good comes from denying that you're awfully wrong, to say false things about other people's affair, for your own desire, to get a girl inside your bed.

I must get things right.

Fila, what I did tell you the other day, was all made up. It's just a lie. I wanted to persuade you and make you change your mind, so you will stop saying things like you're not going here to Osaka. It is true, the life here feels lonely and hard, but then, Aya wasn't the one who got no real friends, it's me!

Shit, why did I lie to you? Even if life feels so lonely without you, so much it doesn't feel I'm living at all, does it justify me saying these lies to you? I know it doesn't! I'm afraid you will not come to my side, and now I know, with these lies, you will never want to come to my side.

Aya, I really did something terrible. I mention your name because I'm afraid to say it's me. It's my ego, I wanted to appear so great, that I would lie to Fila, because I am too ashamed to say I need her by my side.

I can only blame myself, even if I did feel insecure, I should have never told such a lie.
I can't believe it. And I thought I can tell Fila before Aya knows it. It's too late, and may be I'm sorry because I got caught? Oh shit! Now I can't even tell whether I'm honest or lying.

But still, I need to try to patch things up, and try to say the truth, or I will carry this to my grave.

Truthfully I am sorry. I am sorry. I am really sorry.

Minta maaf, Aya. Minta maaf, Fila.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Hijab? Part 2

Well, this is not an exact sequel to the post Hijab? Part 1.

But I feel a need to write some things to reassess my religious views.

Last Friday, I have a little chat with one of my friends. It should have been a discussion on how to write reports, but in the end, we end up talking about different things. I've forgotten the details, but what am I going to write here is regarding the things I have talked there.

We discussed about capitalism, theological state ( specifically, Iran), Korean army conscription and Jesus. It's not a debate, we just talked about different points of view, without arguing which one is right, and not really in a serious mood ( you can't get serious when you are eating potato chips as you converse), but I can get some points.

1. Revolution against a system is only effective if you stay out of the system.
2. Capitalism affects everyone, is a way to world peace, but as a side-effect, you can barely fight those who are at the top of the system.
3. Attempting to talk about reports is just a waste of time, you better just write it straight away.

What does all these things have to do with the title?

Well, guess I'm out of topic again.

In My Heart

Just feeling like writing some shit, nothing very much in significance.
How fast time flies us by, no sound, no sign (unless you check your calendars everyday and notice the change in weather and so on) and definitely, no traces left behind.

Four months have passed since I arrived in Osaka. It's now summer, and it's freaking hot, it makes you remember the hazy days in Malaysia when precipitation is very low. Today's a very good weather (of course the day when I write this) and I'm thinking of going out for some exercise in the evening. (Of course this is prior to changes.)

The summer holiday is getting nearer, along with the exams. However, due to the very subjective, never objective nature of my course, instead of doing exams, I have to write some long reports. Well, guess I've to bear with it, and plus, it's quite fun, anyway.

But, I have doubts whether my report will land me good marks, or I will fail due to my Japanese, which still haven't quite reached the university standards.

Well, guess I just have to write them and pass them up. I can only do this much.

I'll try to obtain the highest grade possible.

It's still the first semester, so I don't have to worry much.

Life is tough, and it only gets tougher, and how I wish I can go back to 199, Jalan Pinang.
The address is no more, though. It has been demolished, haha.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Depression

I was depressed. Again.

My head would think of a lot of things, big and small.
But somehow, these days, my mind seems to lose its control, unable to stop thinking where and when I should have stopped. The result, my mind feels burned, continues on thinking while it gets painful, as if my brain is squeezed dry.

This gets worse especially at nights, and no matter what I do, praying, eating, writing, reading-these won't stop my brain from working overload.

Every remedy is temporal, after a while, my brain gets jumped up again, and it can sometimes be very affecting to my behavior.

I've experienced days when I just couldn't write; if I try writing, I'll end up writing in a very sloppy writing, with big, irregular letters, frequent mistakes and repetitions.

I sometimes throw things in my room, books, watch, even guitars.

Beating the wall is a common thing.

Now, I'm getting worried.

Should I get some counseling from doctors?