Tuesday, April 9, 2013

حسرة قديمة

When I look back at the things I've said and done, there are certain things that I am sure will be going to haunt me, and some of these things are haunting me now.

But forget about that; there are also dreams left undone, abandoned and not pursued; sometimes you have to choose between pursuing your dreams and accepting the inevitable. When was the time when I said I wanted to start an alternative rock band? That was in the past now; whether I would be able to pursue this dream again sometime later in the future remains to be seen; everyone's growing old and their responsibilities grow as such.

Growing old, huh? Here I am at 23 years old, the age in which I used to reckon back in Rosli Dhoby that I will get a girlfriend; After 5 years, there's no change in my love life--maybe I should just give up, castrate myself and be a Buddhist monk! Ha ha ha. Why Buddhist? I don't know, at least it's better than Catholicism, or God forbid, Jainism. Talk about bashing religions here; let's just accept it that we will bash religions from time to time, and that killing some dude for being honest about his hatred of other religions, especially that of yours, isn't really a good way to propagate your religion which demands obligatory propagation. Do I need to say the name of that religion of yours again?

But at any rate, religion isn't the biggest force in our lives. Reality is.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Realitas Est Veritas

-I sometimes ponder as to how long am I going to have to live my life this way, fearful of anything new, living in constant paranoia, thinking badly about the future. Meanwhile, other people try their best to move along with the passage of time, falling in love, looking for jobs, getting married, migrating and furthering their studies, etc. I see those things and curse myself all day long; "What's the problem with you, self-fucker?"

-Of course, this doesn't mean that I let time just pass me by idly. I try to capture my own opportunity; I decided to take on the mantle of Kansai MSAJ presidency last year, albeit reluctantly, as I needed the skills--and also the certificate. I also try to find a field in which I can begin my own research; it's not going as smoothly as I had thought; thank God for my laziness and procrastination, that seems to be perpetual and pervasive. But there's this feeling that my efforts ain't enough; I am not doing anything that will get me to my dreams and ambitions; what I am doing is just pretending that I am growing up and getting things done.

-Youth; how easy it is to waste the best time of your life in its entirety! All of a sudden I became an uncle, all of a sudden I am 23, and yet maturity--I can barely feel it in myself; I don't see any signs of maturity in me, and everyone is leaving me behind--and I will also have to leave my friends behind; no one is going to accompany me in my life as I get old; no one's going to share the memories that I have; I will get old, meaningless and die with mere memories to remind me that heaven is in the past; Yes, these are all exaggerations, but the fear of growing up and growing old is real.

-I have spend my entire youth entirely devoted to the pursuit of knowledge; I went far away from home, and during my time away, the family moved on; slowly but surely, and irreversibly, too, I changed, for better or for worse--despite this, my family is the only thing I am sure of, the only people in this world who will love me for what I am at the moment, whose love is unconditional and perpetual, no matter how much I have changed--and yet we all know perfectly well, that God, or whatever it is that runs the world has a rule, that nothing lasts forever; we don't know what future will bring to us, and I can't expect my parents to be back at home waiting for me to be back and hug me forever; I can't expect my parents to be able to see my sons and my daughters, if I ever become a father; I can't expect to be able to go back to Sibu forever; I know that if I get stuck in this illusion, that my current family will last forever, then I will be very disappointed when the time comes...

-I am in a position where there is no return back. I am an adult, like it or not. I do wish that somehow I will have the bravery to face the future with a smile and self-confidence; but sometimes things that you need, you just don't have.