Friday, July 23, 2010

My Words Stabbed Me In The Heart

I'm so pissed of with myself. I can't believe it. Why did I tell that lie?
It was like, shit, what's wrong with you, what the hell's in your twisted mind?
But, it was too late, to even ponder what exactly did I say, and shit, why did I say those ridiculous things about my friend?

I should have been honest, and just tell her that I need her, and not saying those fucked up, false things about somebody else, and in the end what do I have in my mind? I swear to God, maybe Hell is the only thing that's more torturing.

Why did I lie to get myself heard, am I that desperate? For her to come to my side, or just say that she will come to my side? Hey, Rauf, tell me why are you so fucked up, why did you lie to two persons, why did you make the story up?

You can't be loving her, no, you don't really love her, you only lust for her, and wonder if someday you might end up in bed with her, but then she said she won't be coming to your place, and fuck it, why did you have to lie? And you said things that are completely untrue, and then regret it, fearful it will come back to you. And it did, shit, should I just laugh at you, when you try to cover it up as the guilty ones do?

Now you'll get it, the ample punishment you deserve, and the one who will punish you will be your own super ego, and the friend you might lose, and the love you might lose. And you DESERVE IT! SHIT! Can't I make the things right, now the damage is done?

Now get honest, don't say no half-truths no more, cause you should know, nothing good comes from denying that you're awfully wrong, to say false things about other people's affair, for your own desire, to get a girl inside your bed.

I must get things right.

Fila, what I did tell you the other day, was all made up. It's just a lie. I wanted to persuade you and make you change your mind, so you will stop saying things like you're not going here to Osaka. It is true, the life here feels lonely and hard, but then, Aya wasn't the one who got no real friends, it's me!

Shit, why did I lie to you? Even if life feels so lonely without you, so much it doesn't feel I'm living at all, does it justify me saying these lies to you? I know it doesn't! I'm afraid you will not come to my side, and now I know, with these lies, you will never want to come to my side.

Aya, I really did something terrible. I mention your name because I'm afraid to say it's me. It's my ego, I wanted to appear so great, that I would lie to Fila, because I am too ashamed to say I need her by my side.

I can only blame myself, even if I did feel insecure, I should have never told such a lie.
I can't believe it. And I thought I can tell Fila before Aya knows it. It's too late, and may be I'm sorry because I got caught? Oh shit! Now I can't even tell whether I'm honest or lying.

But still, I need to try to patch things up, and try to say the truth, or I will carry this to my grave.

Truthfully I am sorry. I am sorry. I am really sorry.

Minta maaf, Aya. Minta maaf, Fila.

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