Monday, March 4, 2013

Between Worlds

-Home sweet home. I guess that's what the euphoric feelings in my brain says. A lot has changed though.

-I am now an uncle. Seeing my nephew for the first time, it feels kind of odd. I tried to hold him in my arms and suddenly it hit me; I am old, and nothing is reversible at this point.

-My parents and my sisters are the only ones at home; there are no other male members here in my home. My brothers (including the in-law one) are far away, laboring their lives away. That's not really a good situation. No other male family members?

-This plagues me. There's this feeling that I have to try and get back here ASAP, and settle here for good. No time for romance, continuation of studies or youthful fun; those things are secondary to familial responsibility. I can't leave my father alone as the only guy in the house. I NEED TO BE HERE. I can't expect my brothers to be here soon; they all have their own problems. I am the one who needs to settle down in Sibu.

-Looking at my mom holding the baby Ujang (not the real name, obviously); it is the weirdest feeling. My ageing mom holding the baby boy that is her grandson; will my sons and daughters, if I ever have any, get the same privilege? Will my mom see my children? I don't know. It seems unlikely that I will get a girlfriend soon, much less a wife. Plus with my personality, I don't know whether I can be a good husband and a good father. I struggle with myself not to fuck things up; this fucked up boy is obviously not ready to be one, if he shall ever be one.

-I shouldn't worry too much; this is a vacation! Why the fuck am I still worried about the future?

-Maybe because I don't feel so young anymore.

-Alhamdulillah I am home.

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