Familial Circumstances

I don't know about saying about my family in my blog. Maybe someday it'll be used against me; who knows for sure what's gonna happen; this world is full of bullshit and one of that bullshit is me, so I should expect the worst to happen.

So, I was born into a Melanau family. My father is Muslim, my mother was pagan. Sometimes, to be honest, I am not sure whether my mother is a Muslim, as she doesn't practice at all. When my parents got married, she embraced the faith, but she didn't do it wholeheartedly. She mentioned to me that she didn't want to be a Muslim; I wonder if that's the reason why out of all the children in my family, only one were somewhat orthodox; my brother's a deist with an almost anti-religion stance, my sisters were liberal, I am an ignostic.

My father is a devout Muslim; I sometimes felt that there used to be a time when he was much less religious; most Muslim men are like that, they grow religious as they grow older. He was kind of very mystical-orientated, believing that certain recitations contain powers to heal or to harm, as well as believing in magical powers. Just a typical traditional Melanau Muslim middle age man.

I am the fifth child in a seven-sibling family. My youngest sister is autistic and her autism is kinda severe; She cannot speak, her speech is limited to a few poorly pronounced little words, and she lacks empathy. My third sister is constantly taking care of her; I look at them and can't help but to feel that my third sister is actually already psychologically impaired from the hard work; she had few friends in schools who never visited; as if she never went to schools.

My second sister married last year, that is 2012. Her husband currently lives in Labuan, as a man working on a ship. You can say he is a sailor. Now they have a son, a baby son, my baby nephew. He is cute and resembles his father a bit. But his father is far away, and her mother works in a different town, which means that the baby will be living without his parents at home. Of course my parents and my eldest sister is gonna take care of him; but is that enough?

My eldest sister, a crazy girl. I suspect she really is. She appeared normal, but is kinda anti-social. She doesn't express any desire to face the outside world outside of my house. This may help, as she helps tending after the house. But is this okay?

My brother, laboring hard in Semenanjung, with financial instability, a broken musical dream, and irreligious; that is pretty undesirable in this fucked up conservative country, where people judge people based on their religious piety, instead of their hearts. He has a girlfriend, but his girlfriend is kinda ignorant as to what he really is. I don't know if they really can get married.

My youngest brother! He is just so naive. He's religious, he memorized the Quran more than I did when I was his age, but I sense that he doesn't get it yet, being the youngest son.

I can't simply go and pick up any girl to be my love. I need someone who understands, someone who is flexible, someone patient, someone who gets these things, someone strong, someone cheerful to liven up our lives, someone who is liberal.

I am not compromising on that. Any lesser than that and our relationship's fate is sealed. I have a family to feed and I am not even married.