Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Night Before Eid Alone

-This year, I'll be spending my Eid far away from home.

-I wonder whether I can look forward to another Eid, or to another year.

-These few months have been harsh. I have to endure my university life this year by myself, because my friend went back to Korea to fight the stupid Korean war (heck-he doesn't even handle a gun right now, much less fighting the Red Comrades), leaving me to study alone, a foreigner ill-fitted in a university too hard and a culture too alien to him. I am not giving up; but I know that my spirits have been dragging me down these few months; I skipped way too many classes, fucked up my academic achievements.

-I also lost belief in religion. I hardly pray anymore; why pray when one doesn't believe in prayers? I also found out more philosophical problems with the Scriptures; the doubts are getting bigger every day, and I wonder if it is just a matter of time before everyone finds out that I am an agnostic. Losing one's faith is hard; it's like your way of thinking got reset suddenly, leaving a blank sheet that you have to fill again with files that are lost; and yet the files that are lost are corrupt, and the mind doesn't accommodate them as easily as it used to be; sometimes it was rejected outright.

-My life as a man is not progressing anywhere. I am getting tired of the lonely nights, I am getting tired of all the routines, I am getting tired of being myself. And yet I don't desire change too, for I am afraid of changing anything, I am afraid of change. My life is completely in a box right now; There are no new opportunities that matter, no new goals to fulfill, and my old dreams are disappearing with time. Well, Time can as well go to Hell, for both of these don't exist to me.

-I wonder if I can regain my spirit next semester. Well, this semester is lost; I think I am not writing the reports; I am going to let them slide.

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