Forgetting

It sometimes felt like it just happened yesterday. Other times, it felt like the thing never happened at all.
I wonder if the yesterdays are true, or the whole thing's a very bad, prolonged nightmare.
I wonder if suddenly, I wake up and found out I was still in primary school.
It is possible, that I'm right now writing on a blog that's not actually in existence.
It is possible, that I'm not actually existing; I'm just perceiving my own fake existence.
It is possible, that nothing exists.

Thinking this way, maybe the label "atheist" suits me.
But I don't think so.
This is because I'm not just rejecting God's existence, but the whole Creation's existence as well.
Well, maybe I just reject my own existence.
If I don't reject my existence, I can't forget.

I can't forget her.

But do I really exist?

Dreams 2

Don't know why I have to write about this in my blog, but I had one of the most lucid dreams I've ever had today, while I'm sleeping in a state of thirst. I ain't going into the details.
It's about her again, and I wonder why I had to woke up.

When I woke up, the conscious minds came into play.

"Still?"
"Forget it already, you won't get her anyway."
"Can't you see that the dream is as good only as a dream can be? It won't translate into reality."

I feel down. I hate reality. I hate the truth. I hate both of them, I'd kill them if I could.
As if I can.

One-Side or Both Sides?

There are some situations in which you must listen only to one side of argument and ignoring the other side.

Ok.

Mari aku cerita sikit.

Dalam kebanyakan hal, kita mesti dengar dari semua pihak. Pasal, most of the time, everyone says the truth, only incomplete, due to limited hindsight.
Ada je time ketika ada sorang dua cakap bohong. Ini pun sebenarnya kena ambik kira jugak.

Tapi, ada je situasi di mana kau tak patut dengar apa org lain cakap lepas mendengar satu pihak.
Contoh: Nabi Muhammad dgn Yahudi Madinah.
Dari cerita belah pihak Islam, Yahudi Madinah mengkhianat piagam Madinah, pasal tu mereka diperangi. Dan berakhir dgn semua lelaki dewasa Yahudi Madinah dibunuh.
Tapi kalau kau baca komentari sesetengah ahli sejarah, mereka akan cakap bahawa ini adalah bukti yang Islam itu anti Yahudi. Dan Nabi Muhammad telah melakukan kekejaman dgn membunuh semua lelaki Yahudi.

Ok lah, besar sangat cerita ni.

Satu situasi lagi. Semua orang tepi kau cakap bini kau curang. Bini kau sumpah demi Allah, dia tak curang, tapi semua org lain cakap dia curang. Time tu, apa kau nak buat?

Loved Ones, Far From My Two Eyes

I'm worried.

The news came that my house had been broken into last week. The burglar took away the hand-phone(s? I don't know exactly how many got stolen) and the laptop.
The burglary took place while my family broke their fast. Guess everyone's at the dining table, so no one's hurt. Thank God for that.
But the stolen laptop and hand-phone(s) mean that I'm as of now, out of contact with my family. Well, I have been out of contact with them for these three months, due to a lack of proper internet access in my home (just a few spur of wireless access), but now I basically lost direct contact with them.
Well, should I resort to traditional post-mails?

No wonder I feel so alone.

My loved ones, far from my two eyes.

I'm worried.

Jenuh

-Perkataan 'jenuh'. Jarang orang Sarawak pakai perkataan ini. Biasanya mereka akan guna perkataan 'letih', 'lelah', 'penat' dan sinonim-sinonim serta hampir sinonim kepada perkataan ini.
Tapi hari ini, biar aku gunakan perkataan 'jenuh' untuk menggambarkan keadaan hidup aku sekarang.
Aku berasa betul-betul tua, dan tiada apa yang memberi perasaan dalam hidupku. Aku mungkin senyum, mungkin tertawa, tapi tawa aku tak datang dari lubuk sanubari yang paling dalam. Aku sudah tak pasti lagi.
Jenuh sudah aku memasang harapan. Aku betul-betul tak suka dengan konsep 'harapan' ini. Kalau aku betul-betul manusia, aku perlukan harapan. Tapi aku tak mau mengharapkan apa-apa lagi. Hanya satu sahaja cara untuk berhenti berharap dengan sepenuhnya. Berhenti menjadi manusia.
Tapi itu tak bisa terjadi, bukan?

Girl And Guitar

Pros over a Guitar

1. Guitars are no fun when the power goes down
2. You can't get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4"
5. A guitar won't beg to be played
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive
9. A guitar won't play you back, except in Soviet Russia, where guitar plays YOU!
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it
14. You can't play two guitars at once (unless you are michael angelo baito)
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars don't taste very good.
22. A guitar won't give you head.
23. Slapping a guitar on the ass with a pancake does not give you the same perverse pleasure as when you do it to your girlfriend.
24. Playing a guitar won't make you feel sexy. It will make you feel lonely. And gay. Very very gay.
25. Looking up pictures of guitars on the internet is not as fun as looking up pictures of nude women.
26. Two guitars won't play eachother.
27. You can't watch a guitar play itself.
28. If you date a sexy girl, people will think you're a lucky son of a bitch. If you date a guitar, people will think you're a jackass.
29. A guitar won't be impressed if you fight over it.
30. Running a guitar rental isn't as gangsta as running a woman rental.

Why guitars can be Better

1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers (eight, if you use both hands) at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it
22. Guitars are turned on by you
23. Guitars don't complain about how bad you are at playing a Guitar
24. Fat guitars aren't men they're basses
25. Playing a guitar is fun no matter how old you are.
26. Guitars only have one input
27. guitars dont have control over your every action to the point of you being their pet (noodle)
28. Renting a guitar for a night won't get you in prison.
29. You can play a guitar without getting consent from it.
30. Guys won't beat the shit out of you for playing their guitars.

Saya Seekor Babi

Lama betul tak buat karangan autobiografi dalam Bahasa Melayu. Baiklah, dengan bahasa yang paling baku dan jitu, saya akan menulis sebuah karangan bertajuk "Saya Seekor Babi".

Saya Seekor Babi

Saya adalah seekor babi yang dilahirkan 5 tahun lepas di sebuah ladang ternak berhampiran dengan pekan Selangau. Saya adalah anak ketiga daripada 12 ekor adik beradik yang lahir dari ibu yang sama. Saya tidak pernah melihat bapa saya kerana ketika saya berada dalam kandungan ibu saya, bapa saya telah disembelih untuk memenuhi permintaan daging babi pada musim Gawai Dayak.

Kini, saya tinggal di ladang ternak babi berdekatan dengan Sarikei. Kehidupan harian saya ringkas. Saya bangun sekitar jam 6 pagi untuk menunaikan ibadat tasbih bersama-sama dengan keluarga saya. Setelah itu, saya akan bersarapan bersama-sama saudara-saudara saya di ruang makan pada pukul 8, di mana pengusaha ladang saya akan menyediakan bahan makanan yang sesuai untuk kesihatan kami.

Pada tengah hari, kami menjalankan aktiviti kebudayaan bebas, di mana sesetengah babi akan berbicara mengenai hal keluarga, kepemimpinan ladang, hal ehwal babi dan keadaan ladang. Saya kurang berminat tentang hal-hal seperti ini kerana lazimnya mereka hanya akan membicarakan perkara yang sama setiap hari tanpa mampu mengambil sebarang tindakan yang positif. Walau bagaimanapun, saya tetap akan mengambil bahagian dalam perbincangan ini kerana saya tidak mahu ketinggalan dalam hal ehwal semasa di ladang saya.

Pada petangnya, kami disajikan lagi dengan makanan yang berkhasiat. Setelah itu, kami akan berkumpul bersama-sama untuk aktiviti tasbih. Aktiviti tasbih ini amat penting agar kami tidak menjadi seperti manusia yang tidak bertanggungjawab dalam melaksanakan tanggungjawab mereka. Dalam aktiviti ini, semua kami akan bertasbih dan bertahmid dengan suara yang perlahan-lahan.

Pada malamnya, kami semua akan tidur untuk menjana kembali tenaga untuk keesokan harinya. Namun, saya jarang-jarang dapat tidur dengan lena. Saya kadang-kala terfikir kenapa kami semua dianggap najis yang terkotor sekali oleh sesetengah manusia. Saya juga terfikir mengapa kami semua diternak sebagai bahan makanan oleh manusia.

Saya tidak tahu bila kehidupan saya akan berakhir. Saya berserah kepada Tuhan Yang Maha Esa dalam perkara berkenaan. Adakah saya akan dihinggapi penyakit, disembelih atau dibunuh, saya tidak pasti. Perkara ini amat menyedihkan hati saya selaku seekor babi yang tidak punya kuasa terhadap kemahuan Ilahi. Saya juga punya keluarga, teman dan sahabat yang saya sangat hargai dan sayangi. Saya tidak menginginkan apa-apa pun terjadi kepada mereka.

Setiap hari saya akan melihat pengusaha ladang saya membawa sesetengah daripada kenalan saya ke tempat yang saya tidak tahu. Saya tidak melihat mereka kembali selepas itu. Mudah-mudahan Allah memberkati mereka.

Semoga suara saya didengari Allah hendaknya, dan moga-moga juga ada manusia yang sudi membayangkan perasaan dan kehidupan kami, walaupun kurang tepat dan tidak menyampaikan isi hati kami yang terpendam.