اكتب هذا رسالة في هذا اليوم حزنا. رايت امس صورة قديمة من وقتي في مدرسة ثانوية. ثم فكرت و ذكرت اصدقاءي, كل واحد منهم. ثم فكرت علي: ماذا افعل هنا؟ لماذا اكون هنا؟ و من انا؟
.تلك الاسئلة و المسائل يكونون في فكري. ما السبب؟ لا اعرف
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
الكتاب المقدس
I bought a Holy Bible. It was a bilingual version of English and Arabic, and I'm kind of fascinated with it.
-Of course I found problems as soon as I started reading it. It's inconsistent; did Noah save pairs of all animals, or did he took seven of the animals deemed clean and took pairs of other animals? (I suppose they're the same animals described as al-An'am) It's also problematic; Noah getting drunk, God accepting Abel's sacrifice only because it is meat compared to Cain's vegetables (strangely, God in Bible loves blood), Moses commanding his people to kill an entire race, men and women and children and goats (why must they kill the goats too?) David and his vengeful songs, Jewish supremacy above every other race...blah blah blah.
-And the fact that Muhammad claims to be a continuation of this. No wonder Muslims have to accuse Jews and Christians of falsifying the Scriptures. It is a necessity to do so; but is it true that the Scriptures have been falsified?
-Who cares; Both Bible and Quran got it wrong on human sexuality.
-But Psalm is really nice.
-Of course I found problems as soon as I started reading it. It's inconsistent; did Noah save pairs of all animals, or did he took seven of the animals deemed clean and took pairs of other animals? (I suppose they're the same animals described as al-An'am) It's also problematic; Noah getting drunk, God accepting Abel's sacrifice only because it is meat compared to Cain's vegetables (strangely, God in Bible loves blood), Moses commanding his people to kill an entire race, men and women and children and goats (why must they kill the goats too?) David and his vengeful songs, Jewish supremacy above every other race...blah blah blah.
-And the fact that Muhammad claims to be a continuation of this. No wonder Muslims have to accuse Jews and Christians of falsifying the Scriptures. It is a necessity to do so; but is it true that the Scriptures have been falsified?
-Who cares; Both Bible and Quran got it wrong on human sexuality.
-But Psalm is really nice.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
The Night Before Eid Alone
-This year, I'll be spending my Eid far away from home.
-I wonder whether I can look forward to another Eid, or to another year.
-These few months have been harsh. I have to endure my university life this year by myself, because my friend went back to Korea to fight the stupid Korean war (heck-he doesn't even handle a gun right now, much less fighting the Red Comrades), leaving me to study alone, a foreigner ill-fitted in a university too hard and a culture too alien to him. I am not giving up; but I know that my spirits have been dragging me down these few months; I skipped way too many classes, fucked up my academic achievements.
-I also lost belief in religion. I hardly pray anymore; why pray when one doesn't believe in prayers? I also found out more philosophical problems with the Scriptures; the doubts are getting bigger every day, and I wonder if it is just a matter of time before everyone finds out that I am an agnostic. Losing one's faith is hard; it's like your way of thinking got reset suddenly, leaving a blank sheet that you have to fill again with files that are lost; and yet the files that are lost are corrupt, and the mind doesn't accommodate them as easily as it used to be; sometimes it was rejected outright.
-My life as a man is not progressing anywhere. I am getting tired of the lonely nights, I am getting tired of all the routines, I am getting tired of being myself. And yet I don't desire change too, for I am afraid of changing anything, I am afraid of change. My life is completely in a box right now; There are no new opportunities that matter, no new goals to fulfill, and my old dreams are disappearing with time. Well, Time can as well go to Hell, for both of these don't exist to me.
-I wonder if I can regain my spirit next semester. Well, this semester is lost; I think I am not writing the reports; I am going to let them slide.
-I wonder whether I can look forward to another Eid, or to another year.
-These few months have been harsh. I have to endure my university life this year by myself, because my friend went back to Korea to fight the stupid Korean war (heck-he doesn't even handle a gun right now, much less fighting the Red Comrades), leaving me to study alone, a foreigner ill-fitted in a university too hard and a culture too alien to him. I am not giving up; but I know that my spirits have been dragging me down these few months; I skipped way too many classes, fucked up my academic achievements.
-I also lost belief in religion. I hardly pray anymore; why pray when one doesn't believe in prayers? I also found out more philosophical problems with the Scriptures; the doubts are getting bigger every day, and I wonder if it is just a matter of time before everyone finds out that I am an agnostic. Losing one's faith is hard; it's like your way of thinking got reset suddenly, leaving a blank sheet that you have to fill again with files that are lost; and yet the files that are lost are corrupt, and the mind doesn't accommodate them as easily as it used to be; sometimes it was rejected outright.
-My life as a man is not progressing anywhere. I am getting tired of the lonely nights, I am getting tired of all the routines, I am getting tired of being myself. And yet I don't desire change too, for I am afraid of changing anything, I am afraid of change. My life is completely in a box right now; There are no new opportunities that matter, no new goals to fulfill, and my old dreams are disappearing with time. Well, Time can as well go to Hell, for both of these don't exist to me.
-I wonder if I can regain my spirit next semester. Well, this semester is lost; I think I am not writing the reports; I am going to let them slide.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
-Godforsaken Rohingyas
-The Myanmar government doesn't want them. The Bangladeshi government doesn't want them. What option do Rohingyas have? Living in Arakan for years, yet never really welcomed by the native Rakhines, for they carry this stigma of being "Banglas", for they remind the majority Bamars of the dark history of Burma under British Raj--"Foreigners brought by the damned Englishmen,"
-Then we have the Bangladeshi government. They don't want Rohingyas back; yes, Rohingyas speak a language closely related to Bengali, yes, they share a common religion, them being both Muslims, yes, they look similar to each other; but Bangladesh is overpopulated, and there are not enough food, money, and living space for an extra 800, 000 people (not to mention the very real prospective of Bangladesh submerged by rising sea water level in the coming century, the shitty monsoon and the unstable political climate in Bangladesh), and the Bangladeshi government doesn't want Rohingyas crossing the border; they say it is a Myanmar problem.
-Yeah, the responsibility lies in the Myanmar government; that military junta, totally undemocratic, unfair to the minorities (remember, there are Christian Karens and Chins in Myanmar as well, and they too are being persecuted, hence the ongoing rebellion), and totally indifferent of the outside world--it is a hermit country, arguably only less crazy than the North Koreans, and you expect them to do anything to help the Rohingyas, who are not even considered citizens of Myanmar? You gotta be kidding me.
-But of course that is how the world keeps on rolling; keep problems unsettled, so that once in a while, some shitty, opportunistic politicians can make noises and get elected, by using these problems as their "issue that they'll attend to," or perhaps we can expect some celebrities to go and adopt a child/ donate a big fat check so they will appear as being conscious of the world's malaise, or perhaps some religion can use these as a sign that Armageddon is near, the Holy War to End All Wars is near, and then use those thing to recruit as many believers as they can, and perhaps sacrificing a few dedicated, zealous believers in the process, just to make sure that the religion's fame spread far and wide, as we all know that GOD LOVES EVERYONE!
-Then we have the Bangladeshi government. They don't want Rohingyas back; yes, Rohingyas speak a language closely related to Bengali, yes, they share a common religion, them being both Muslims, yes, they look similar to each other; but Bangladesh is overpopulated, and there are not enough food, money, and living space for an extra 800, 000 people (not to mention the very real prospective of Bangladesh submerged by rising sea water level in the coming century, the shitty monsoon and the unstable political climate in Bangladesh), and the Bangladeshi government doesn't want Rohingyas crossing the border; they say it is a Myanmar problem.
-Yeah, the responsibility lies in the Myanmar government; that military junta, totally undemocratic, unfair to the minorities (remember, there are Christian Karens and Chins in Myanmar as well, and they too are being persecuted, hence the ongoing rebellion), and totally indifferent of the outside world--it is a hermit country, arguably only less crazy than the North Koreans, and you expect them to do anything to help the Rohingyas, who are not even considered citizens of Myanmar? You gotta be kidding me.
-But of course that is how the world keeps on rolling; keep problems unsettled, so that once in a while, some shitty, opportunistic politicians can make noises and get elected, by using these problems as their "issue that they'll attend to," or perhaps we can expect some celebrities to go and adopt a child/ donate a big fat check so they will appear as being conscious of the world's malaise, or perhaps some religion can use these as a sign that Armageddon is near, the Holy War to End All Wars is near, and then use those thing to recruit as many believers as they can, and perhaps sacrificing a few dedicated, zealous believers in the process, just to make sure that the religion's fame spread far and wide, as we all know that GOD LOVES EVERYONE!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Homosexuality
-My mind has been plagued with the dilemma of sexuality in general, and homosexuality in particular for the past 2 years.
-One of my closest friend here in Japan is bisexual. He described his attraction to men to me in detail, details that I won't disclose here because for me as a heterosexual it is gross to think just about them, but nevertheless, I can relate to the pain of having the feelings that you can't disclose, having the feelings that forever remains unrequited, the pain of being abandoned by God, this time due to His Biblical (He was a Catholic) condemnation of homosexuality.
-At first, when I came to Japan, I have this spirit of "I want to convert at least one person into the faith of Islam." Who better to convert than some depressed dude who is close to me? But when he disclosed his sexuality to me, I am bummed out. How am I supposed to introduce this man to Islamic faith, which as most probably know, is fiercer on homosexuals than Catholicism? He knows about Islam, he knows about this attitude; how can he be attracted to it?
-I read the Quran again and again, I tried to find a loophole that might allow for homosexuality. Of course, personally I found it; there was no direct mention of homosexuality in Quran, it is not explicitly forbidden, the interpretations regarding homosexuality are all inside brackets (which mean they are not part of the Arabic original text). But then I see the Muslim attitude towards homosexuality; can one change this hardened attitude, can one offer alternative explanations of Quranic interpretation without risk being shunned, excommunicated or even get killed?
-This in turn has distanced me from the Islamic faith, and also from the Quran; after all, the story of Lot is there, and due to the presence of the story in Quran, Quran is bound to come to the same conclusion as the Bible, which concludes the story with God's wrath towards the homosexuals. The continuation of Biblical narratives in Quran is questionable for me; why should Islam claim to be a continuation of Judeo-Christian prophethood? It is just going to inherit the same problems that way; as if God Himself doesn't learn from history.
-But then maybe, Quran ain't no Word of God; That makes it totally a Muhammad's innovation, and therefore Muhammad may be mistaken in his attitude towards homosexuals; After all, he didn't know better, didn't he? Him being human, from a very unscientific age, never learned in schools, never encounter homosexuality-he can't know better, he ought to harbor prejudices and these prejudices are then spilled inside the Holy Book.
-But of course harboring this thinking will kick you out of your Muslim faith, for this faith demands absolutism in your belief. There is no maybe; just "it has to be it" and "it can't be it; impossible!" And due to certainty, Muslims are happy, but their intellect worsens and their conduct on others suffer from faithful arrogance; do I want to be part of that? No. I'd rather suffer due to my acknowledgement on reality, than escaping to some belief system full of promises of better afterlife. It is more ethical, it is more responsible, it is more heroic.
-But this makes being Muslim more difficult; you don't feel like you belong there anymore, because of some gay stuff that makes you ponder about what this faith is really about and whether it still holds to its claims of being the solution, the answer, the truth; and this in turn has make me think a lot, think hard; but I don't know what to do. Atheism will not work; for the faith is not merely a personal thing.
-One of my closest friend here in Japan is bisexual. He described his attraction to men to me in detail, details that I won't disclose here because for me as a heterosexual it is gross to think just about them, but nevertheless, I can relate to the pain of having the feelings that you can't disclose, having the feelings that forever remains unrequited, the pain of being abandoned by God, this time due to His Biblical (He was a Catholic) condemnation of homosexuality.
-At first, when I came to Japan, I have this spirit of "I want to convert at least one person into the faith of Islam." Who better to convert than some depressed dude who is close to me? But when he disclosed his sexuality to me, I am bummed out. How am I supposed to introduce this man to Islamic faith, which as most probably know, is fiercer on homosexuals than Catholicism? He knows about Islam, he knows about this attitude; how can he be attracted to it?
-I read the Quran again and again, I tried to find a loophole that might allow for homosexuality. Of course, personally I found it; there was no direct mention of homosexuality in Quran, it is not explicitly forbidden, the interpretations regarding homosexuality are all inside brackets (which mean they are not part of the Arabic original text). But then I see the Muslim attitude towards homosexuality; can one change this hardened attitude, can one offer alternative explanations of Quranic interpretation without risk being shunned, excommunicated or even get killed?
-This in turn has distanced me from the Islamic faith, and also from the Quran; after all, the story of Lot is there, and due to the presence of the story in Quran, Quran is bound to come to the same conclusion as the Bible, which concludes the story with God's wrath towards the homosexuals. The continuation of Biblical narratives in Quran is questionable for me; why should Islam claim to be a continuation of Judeo-Christian prophethood? It is just going to inherit the same problems that way; as if God Himself doesn't learn from history.
-But then maybe, Quran ain't no Word of God; That makes it totally a Muhammad's innovation, and therefore Muhammad may be mistaken in his attitude towards homosexuals; After all, he didn't know better, didn't he? Him being human, from a very unscientific age, never learned in schools, never encounter homosexuality-he can't know better, he ought to harbor prejudices and these prejudices are then spilled inside the Holy Book.
-But of course harboring this thinking will kick you out of your Muslim faith, for this faith demands absolutism in your belief. There is no maybe; just "it has to be it" and "it can't be it; impossible!" And due to certainty, Muslims are happy, but their intellect worsens and their conduct on others suffer from faithful arrogance; do I want to be part of that? No. I'd rather suffer due to my acknowledgement on reality, than escaping to some belief system full of promises of better afterlife. It is more ethical, it is more responsible, it is more heroic.
-But this makes being Muslim more difficult; you don't feel like you belong there anymore, because of some gay stuff that makes you ponder about what this faith is really about and whether it still holds to its claims of being the solution, the answer, the truth; and this in turn has make me think a lot, think hard; but I don't know what to do. Atheism will not work; for the faith is not merely a personal thing.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Rants
See the video above? (I'm assuming there are viewers)
This is a way to mobilize Muslims, by saying that Christianity threatens Indonesia's demographics. I wonder, if it is true.
-People don't just leave Islam for Christianity just because they have unhappy lives. They leave Islam for Islam doesn't provide them with solace. What Islam provides? An untranslatable holy book, that one can hardly relate too, as it is full with wars, laws, threats to those who believe less; no body who do believe less will want to pick it up, unless they want to clarify the contents for themselves.
-What Islam provides? Laws; whenever one enters Islam, they have to subscribe fully to the laws, which came in full set, all the way from the ways to have sex with your wife up to whether one should live in a Muslim country or a secular country. Too much laws will prevent people to fully make sense of what the faith is really about, as they focused way too much on laws.
-What Islam provides? A shallow understanding of God; a God who won't listen to your prayers if you don't pray enough times a day, a God who insists on you admitting your wrongdoing and repenting regularly, a God who insists that His laws be the order of the nation. a God who insists! And we in Islam are just slaves to Him, no argument, no blaming the God, no complaints; do these and be an ungrateful slave. After all, it is God who lets you breathe.
-Well, I am not defending Christianity either. It is a
-But who cares? Nobody really cares about God; they care about themselves! Regardless of whether you are Muslim or Christian, your goal is the same; to save YOURSELF! You don't really enter these two faiths in God's name for your love towards God, you enter it for your selfish desire to be IMMORTAL and HAPPY in PARADISE!
-Ultimately, I think that both of these faiths are selfish faiths. That is why they will fight each other.
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