Saturday, May 4, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
حسرة قديمة
When I look back at the things I've said and done, there are certain things that I am sure will be going to haunt me, and some of these things are haunting me now.
But forget about that; there are also dreams left undone, abandoned and not pursued; sometimes you have to choose between pursuing your dreams and accepting the inevitable. When was the time when I said I wanted to start an alternative rock band? That was in the past now; whether I would be able to pursue this dream again sometime later in the future remains to be seen; everyone's growing old and their responsibilities grow as such.
Growing old, huh? Here I am at 23 years old, the age in which I used to reckon back in Rosli Dhoby that I will get a girlfriend; After 5 years, there's no change in my love life--maybe I should just give up, castrate myself and be a Buddhist monk! Ha ha ha. Why Buddhist? I don't know, at least it's better than Catholicism, or God forbid, Jainism. Talk about bashing religions here; let's just accept it that we will bash religions from time to time, and that killing some dude for being honest about his hatred of other religions, especially that of yours, isn't really a good way to propagate your religion which demands obligatory propagation. Do I need to say the name of that religion of yours again?
But at any rate, religion isn't the biggest force in our lives. Reality is.
But forget about that; there are also dreams left undone, abandoned and not pursued; sometimes you have to choose between pursuing your dreams and accepting the inevitable. When was the time when I said I wanted to start an alternative rock band? That was in the past now; whether I would be able to pursue this dream again sometime later in the future remains to be seen; everyone's growing old and their responsibilities grow as such.
Growing old, huh? Here I am at 23 years old, the age in which I used to reckon back in Rosli Dhoby that I will get a girlfriend; After 5 years, there's no change in my love life--maybe I should just give up, castrate myself and be a Buddhist monk! Ha ha ha. Why Buddhist? I don't know, at least it's better than Catholicism, or God forbid, Jainism. Talk about bashing religions here; let's just accept it that we will bash religions from time to time, and that killing some dude for being honest about his hatred of other religions, especially that of yours, isn't really a good way to propagate your religion which demands obligatory propagation. Do I need to say the name of that religion of yours again?
But at any rate, religion isn't the biggest force in our lives. Reality is.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Realitas Est Veritas
-I sometimes ponder as to how long am I going to have to live my life this way, fearful of anything new, living in constant paranoia, thinking badly about the future. Meanwhile, other people try their best to move along with the passage of time, falling in love, looking for jobs, getting married, migrating and furthering their studies, etc. I see those things and curse myself all day long; "What's the problem with you, self-fucker?"
-Of course, this doesn't mean that I let time just pass me by idly. I try to capture my own opportunity; I decided to take on the mantle of Kansai MSAJ presidency last year, albeit reluctantly, as I needed the skills--and also the certificate. I also try to find a field in which I can begin my own research; it's not going as smoothly as I had thought; thank God for my laziness and procrastination, that seems to be perpetual and pervasive. But there's this feeling that my efforts ain't enough; I am not doing anything that will get me to my dreams and ambitions; what I am doing is just pretending that I am growing up and getting things done.
-Youth; how easy it is to waste the best time of your life in its entirety! All of a sudden I became an uncle, all of a sudden I am 23, and yet maturity--I can barely feel it in myself; I don't see any signs of maturity in me, and everyone is leaving me behind--and I will also have to leave my friends behind; no one is going to accompany me in my life as I get old; no one's going to share the memories that I have; I will get old, meaningless and die with mere memories to remind me that heaven is in the past; Yes, these are all exaggerations, but the fear of growing up and growing old is real.
-I have spend my entire youth entirely devoted to the pursuit of knowledge; I went far away from home, and during my time away, the family moved on; slowly but surely, and irreversibly, too, I changed, for better or for worse--despite this, my family is the only thing I am sure of, the only people in this world who will love me for what I am at the moment, whose love is unconditional and perpetual, no matter how much I have changed--and yet we all know perfectly well, that God, or whatever it is that runs the world has a rule, that nothing lasts forever; we don't know what future will bring to us, and I can't expect my parents to be back at home waiting for me to be back and hug me forever; I can't expect my parents to be able to see my sons and my daughters, if I ever become a father; I can't expect to be able to go back to Sibu forever; I know that if I get stuck in this illusion, that my current family will last forever, then I will be very disappointed when the time comes...
-I am in a position where there is no return back. I am an adult, like it or not. I do wish that somehow I will have the bravery to face the future with a smile and self-confidence; but sometimes things that you need, you just don't have.
-Of course, this doesn't mean that I let time just pass me by idly. I try to capture my own opportunity; I decided to take on the mantle of Kansai MSAJ presidency last year, albeit reluctantly, as I needed the skills--and also the certificate. I also try to find a field in which I can begin my own research; it's not going as smoothly as I had thought; thank God for my laziness and procrastination, that seems to be perpetual and pervasive. But there's this feeling that my efforts ain't enough; I am not doing anything that will get me to my dreams and ambitions; what I am doing is just pretending that I am growing up and getting things done.
-Youth; how easy it is to waste the best time of your life in its entirety! All of a sudden I became an uncle, all of a sudden I am 23, and yet maturity--I can barely feel it in myself; I don't see any signs of maturity in me, and everyone is leaving me behind--and I will also have to leave my friends behind; no one is going to accompany me in my life as I get old; no one's going to share the memories that I have; I will get old, meaningless and die with mere memories to remind me that heaven is in the past; Yes, these are all exaggerations, but the fear of growing up and growing old is real.
-I have spend my entire youth entirely devoted to the pursuit of knowledge; I went far away from home, and during my time away, the family moved on; slowly but surely, and irreversibly, too, I changed, for better or for worse--despite this, my family is the only thing I am sure of, the only people in this world who will love me for what I am at the moment, whose love is unconditional and perpetual, no matter how much I have changed--and yet we all know perfectly well, that God, or whatever it is that runs the world has a rule, that nothing lasts forever; we don't know what future will bring to us, and I can't expect my parents to be back at home waiting for me to be back and hug me forever; I can't expect my parents to be able to see my sons and my daughters, if I ever become a father; I can't expect to be able to go back to Sibu forever; I know that if I get stuck in this illusion, that my current family will last forever, then I will be very disappointed when the time comes...
-I am in a position where there is no return back. I am an adult, like it or not. I do wish that somehow I will have the bravery to face the future with a smile and self-confidence; but sometimes things that you need, you just don't have.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Familial Circumstances
I don't know about saying about my family in my blog. Maybe someday it'll be used against me; who knows for sure what's gonna happen; this world is full of bullshit and one of that bullshit is me, so I should expect the worst to happen.
So, I was born into a Melanau family. My father is Muslim, my mother was pagan. Sometimes, to be honest, I am not sure whether my mother is a Muslim, as she doesn't practice at all. When my parents got married, she embraced the faith, but she didn't do it wholeheartedly. She mentioned to me that she didn't want to be a Muslim; I wonder if that's the reason why out of all the children in my family, only one were somewhat orthodox; my brother's a deist with an almost anti-religion stance, my sisters were liberal, I am an ignostic.
My father is a devout Muslim; I sometimes felt that there used to be a time when he was much less religious; most Muslim men are like that, they grow religious as they grow older. He was kind of very mystical-orientated, believing that certain recitations contain powers to heal or to harm, as well as believing in magical powers. Just a typical traditional Melanau Muslim middle age man.
I am the fifth child in a seven-sibling family. My youngest sister is autistic and her autism is kinda severe; She cannot speak, her speech is limited to a few poorly pronounced little words, and she lacks empathy. My third sister is constantly taking care of her; I look at them and can't help but to feel that my third sister is actually already psychologically impaired from the hard work; she had few friends in schools who never visited; as if she never went to schools.
My second sister married last year, that is 2012. Her husband currently lives in Labuan, as a man working on a ship. You can say he is a sailor. Now they have a son, a baby son, my baby nephew. He is cute and resembles his father a bit. But his father is far away, and her mother works in a different town, which means that the baby will be living without his parents at home. Of course my parents and my eldest sister is gonna take care of him; but is that enough?
My eldest sister, a crazy girl. I suspect she really is. She appeared normal, but is kinda anti-social. She doesn't express any desire to face the outside world outside of my house. This may help, as she helps tending after the house. But is this okay?
My brother, laboring hard in Semenanjung, with financial instability, a broken musical dream, and irreligious; that is pretty undesirable in this fucked up conservative country, where people judge people based on their religious piety, instead of their hearts. He has a girlfriend, but his girlfriend is kinda ignorant as to what he really is. I don't know if they really can get married.
My youngest brother! He is just so naive. He's religious, he memorized the Quran more than I did when I was his age, but I sense that he doesn't get it yet, being the youngest son.
I can't simply go and pick up any girl to be my love. I need someone who understands, someone who is flexible, someone patient, someone who gets these things, someone strong, someone cheerful to liven up our lives, someone who is liberal.
I am not compromising on that. Any lesser than that and our relationship's fate is sealed. I have a family to feed and I am not even married.
So, I was born into a Melanau family. My father is Muslim, my mother was pagan. Sometimes, to be honest, I am not sure whether my mother is a Muslim, as she doesn't practice at all. When my parents got married, she embraced the faith, but she didn't do it wholeheartedly. She mentioned to me that she didn't want to be a Muslim; I wonder if that's the reason why out of all the children in my family, only one were somewhat orthodox; my brother's a deist with an almost anti-religion stance, my sisters were liberal, I am an ignostic.
My father is a devout Muslim; I sometimes felt that there used to be a time when he was much less religious; most Muslim men are like that, they grow religious as they grow older. He was kind of very mystical-orientated, believing that certain recitations contain powers to heal or to harm, as well as believing in magical powers. Just a typical traditional Melanau Muslim middle age man.
I am the fifth child in a seven-sibling family. My youngest sister is autistic and her autism is kinda severe; She cannot speak, her speech is limited to a few poorly pronounced little words, and she lacks empathy. My third sister is constantly taking care of her; I look at them and can't help but to feel that my third sister is actually already psychologically impaired from the hard work; she had few friends in schools who never visited; as if she never went to schools.
My second sister married last year, that is 2012. Her husband currently lives in Labuan, as a man working on a ship. You can say he is a sailor. Now they have a son, a baby son, my baby nephew. He is cute and resembles his father a bit. But his father is far away, and her mother works in a different town, which means that the baby will be living without his parents at home. Of course my parents and my eldest sister is gonna take care of him; but is that enough?
My eldest sister, a crazy girl. I suspect she really is. She appeared normal, but is kinda anti-social. She doesn't express any desire to face the outside world outside of my house. This may help, as she helps tending after the house. But is this okay?
My brother, laboring hard in Semenanjung, with financial instability, a broken musical dream, and irreligious; that is pretty undesirable in this fucked up conservative country, where people judge people based on their religious piety, instead of their hearts. He has a girlfriend, but his girlfriend is kinda ignorant as to what he really is. I don't know if they really can get married.
My youngest brother! He is just so naive. He's religious, he memorized the Quran more than I did when I was his age, but I sense that he doesn't get it yet, being the youngest son.
I can't simply go and pick up any girl to be my love. I need someone who understands, someone who is flexible, someone patient, someone who gets these things, someone strong, someone cheerful to liven up our lives, someone who is liberal.
I am not compromising on that. Any lesser than that and our relationship's fate is sealed. I have a family to feed and I am not even married.
今年は4年目ですって
来日してからもう3年が経った。あっという間に時間が去ってしまって、なんか変な感じがする。変というよりも怖いなのだ。そのような悩みは最近増えてきた。
今年は4年目ですって。だからと言って日本語は上手に喋られると言うわけじゃない。ある程度上手になってきたのだが、どう考えてもまだ下手なのだ。期末レポートが書けるぐらいの日本語能力を持っているのは事実なんだけど、大学以外のことは全然ダメだって。やっぱり個人練習だけじゃ関西弁は話せへん！全然分からんと言うわけじゃないけど。
この3年間という間に、俺は一体何を勉強してきたかい。全然何も勉強してへんと言う感じはしてるけど。哲学に関する知識は確実に増えてきたのだが、それは役に立つ知識なのか。さらに、今年は卒論を書かないと。卒論をするためにちゃんとした研究が必要だ。それは問題なのさ。研究ってどういう研究？俺の宗教に違反する結論に着く研究なの？（いや、この時点ではもう俺は宗教がないと言っても過言じゃない。）
というわけで、今年は4年目です。これから頑張ります。卒業できるために頑張ります。彼女を獲得するのは？それはもうやめた。俺は一生独身になるのだ。結婚なんかしない。時間と金額の無駄になるから。（本当はとても残念なことだと思うけど。）
アフィラちゃんはいつまでも大好き～本音はこれなのだ。片思いのままでいい。いや、片思いのままが望ましい。俺はもう彼女の彼氏になりたくない。彼氏になるのは嫌やから。
今年は4年目ですって。だからと言って日本語は上手に喋られると言うわけじゃない。ある程度上手になってきたのだが、どう考えてもまだ下手なのだ。期末レポートが書けるぐらいの日本語能力を持っているのは事実なんだけど、大学以外のことは全然ダメだって。やっぱり個人練習だけじゃ関西弁は話せへん！全然分からんと言うわけじゃないけど。
この3年間という間に、俺は一体何を勉強してきたかい。全然何も勉強してへんと言う感じはしてるけど。哲学に関する知識は確実に増えてきたのだが、それは役に立つ知識なのか。さらに、今年は卒論を書かないと。卒論をするためにちゃんとした研究が必要だ。それは問題なのさ。研究ってどういう研究？俺の宗教に違反する結論に着く研究なの？（いや、この時点ではもう俺は宗教がないと言っても過言じゃない。）
というわけで、今年は4年目です。これから頑張ります。卒業できるために頑張ります。彼女を獲得するのは？それはもうやめた。俺は一生独身になるのだ。結婚なんかしない。時間と金額の無駄になるから。（本当はとても残念なことだと思うけど。）
アフィラちゃんはいつまでも大好き～本音はこれなのだ。片思いのままでいい。いや、片思いのままが望ましい。俺はもう彼女の彼氏になりたくない。彼氏になるのは嫌やから。
Monday, March 4, 2013
Between Worlds
-Home sweet home. I guess that's what the euphoric feelings in my brain says. A lot has changed though.
-I am now an uncle. Seeing my nephew for the first time, it feels kind of odd. I tried to hold him in my arms and suddenly it hit me; I am old, and nothing is reversible at this point.
-My parents and my sisters are the only ones at home; there are no other male members here in my home. My brothers (including the in-law one) are far away, laboring their lives away. That's not really a good situation. No other male family members?
-This plagues me. There's this feeling that I have to try and get back here ASAP, and settle here for good. No time for romance, continuation of studies or youthful fun; those things are secondary to familial responsibility. I can't leave my father alone as the only guy in the house. I NEED TO BE HERE. I can't expect my brothers to be here soon; they all have their own problems. I am the one who needs to settle down in Sibu.
-Looking at my mom holding the baby Ujang (not the real name, obviously); it is the weirdest feeling. My ageing mom holding the baby boy that is her grandson; will my sons and daughters, if I ever have any, get the same privilege? Will my mom see my children? I don't know. It seems unlikely that I will get a girlfriend soon, much less a wife. Plus with my personality, I don't know whether I can be a good husband and a good father. I struggle with myself not to fuck things up; this fucked up boy is obviously not ready to be one, if he shall ever be one.
-I shouldn't worry too much; this is a vacation! Why the fuck am I still worried about the future?
-Maybe because I don't feel so young anymore.
-Alhamdulillah I am home.
-I am now an uncle. Seeing my nephew for the first time, it feels kind of odd. I tried to hold him in my arms and suddenly it hit me; I am old, and nothing is reversible at this point.
-My parents and my sisters are the only ones at home; there are no other male members here in my home. My brothers (including the in-law one) are far away, laboring their lives away. That's not really a good situation. No other male family members?
-This plagues me. There's this feeling that I have to try and get back here ASAP, and settle here for good. No time for romance, continuation of studies or youthful fun; those things are secondary to familial responsibility. I can't leave my father alone as the only guy in the house. I NEED TO BE HERE. I can't expect my brothers to be here soon; they all have their own problems. I am the one who needs to settle down in Sibu.
-Looking at my mom holding the baby Ujang (not the real name, obviously); it is the weirdest feeling. My ageing mom holding the baby boy that is her grandson; will my sons and daughters, if I ever have any, get the same privilege? Will my mom see my children? I don't know. It seems unlikely that I will get a girlfriend soon, much less a wife. Plus with my personality, I don't know whether I can be a good husband and a good father. I struggle with myself not to fuck things up; this fucked up boy is obviously not ready to be one, if he shall ever be one.
-I shouldn't worry too much; this is a vacation! Why the fuck am I still worried about the future?
-Maybe because I don't feel so young anymore.
-Alhamdulillah I am home.
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