Familial Circumstances

I don't know about saying about my family in my blog. Maybe someday it'll be used against me; who knows for sure what's gonna happen; this world is full of bullshit and one of that bullshit is me, so I should expect the worst to happen.

So, I was born into a Melanau family. My father is Muslim, my mother was pagan. Sometimes, to be honest, I am not sure whether my mother is a Muslim, as she doesn't practice at all. When my parents got married, she embraced the faith, but she didn't do it wholeheartedly. She mentioned to me that she didn't want to be a Muslim; I wonder if that's the reason why out of all the children in my family, only one were somewhat orthodox; my brother's a deist with an almost anti-religion stance, my sisters were liberal, I am an ignostic.

My father is a devout Muslim; I sometimes felt that there used to be a time when he was much less religious; most Muslim men are like that, they grow religious as they grow older. He was kind of very mystical-orientated, believing that certain recitations contain powers to heal or to harm, as well as believing in magical powers. Just a typical traditional Melanau Muslim middle age man.

I am the fifth child in a seven-sibling family. My youngest sister is autistic and her autism is kinda severe; She cannot speak, her speech is limited to a few poorly pronounced little words, and she lacks empathy. My third sister is constantly taking care of her; I look at them and can't help but to feel that my third sister is actually already psychologically impaired from the hard work; she had few friends in schools who never visited; as if she never went to schools.

My second sister married last year, that is 2012. Her husband currently lives in Labuan, as a man working on a ship. You can say he is a sailor. Now they have a son, a baby son, my baby nephew. He is cute and resembles his father a bit. But his father is far away, and her mother works in a different town, which means that the baby will be living without his parents at home. Of course my parents and my eldest sister is gonna take care of him; but is that enough?

My eldest sister, a crazy girl. I suspect she really is. She appeared normal, but is kinda anti-social. She doesn't express any desire to face the outside world outside of my house. This may help, as she helps tending after the house. But is this okay?

My brother, laboring hard in Semenanjung, with financial instability, a broken musical dream, and irreligious; that is pretty undesirable in this fucked up conservative country, where people judge people based on their religious piety, instead of their hearts. He has a girlfriend, but his girlfriend is kinda ignorant as to what he really is. I don't know if they really can get married.

My youngest brother! He is just so naive. He's religious, he memorized the Quran more than I did when I was his age, but I sense that he doesn't get it yet, being the youngest son.

I can't simply go and pick up any girl to be my love. I need someone who understands, someone who is flexible, someone patient, someone who gets these things, someone strong, someone cheerful to liven up our lives, someone who is liberal.

I am not compromising on that. Any lesser than that and our relationship's fate is sealed. I have a family to feed and I am not even married.

今年は4年目ですって

来日してからもう3年が経った。あっという間に時間が去ってしまって、なんか変な感じがする。変というよりも怖いなのだ。そのような悩みは最近増えてきた。
今年は4年目ですって。だからと言って日本語は上手に喋られると言うわけじゃない。ある程度上手になってきたのだが、どう考えてもまだ下手なのだ。期末レポートが書けるぐらいの日本語能力を持っているのは事実なんだけど、大学以外のことは全然ダメだって。やっぱり個人練習だけじゃ関西弁は話せへん！全然分からんと言うわけじゃないけど。
この3年間という間に、俺は一体何を勉強してきたかい。全然何も勉強してへんと言う感じはしてるけど。哲学に関する知識は確実に増えてきたのだが、それは役に立つ知識なのか。さらに、今年は卒論を書かないと。卒論をするためにちゃんとした研究が必要だ。それは問題なのさ。研究ってどういう研究？俺の宗教に違反する結論に着く研究なの？（いや、この時点ではもう俺は宗教がないと言っても過言じゃない。）
というわけで、今年は4年目です。これから頑張ります。卒業できるために頑張ります。彼女を獲得するのは？それはもうやめた。俺は一生独身になるのだ。結婚なんかしない。時間と金額の無駄になるから。（本当はとても残念なことだと思うけど。）
アフィラちゃんはいつまでも大好き～本音はこれなのだ。片思いのままでいい。いや、片思いのままが望ましい。俺はもう彼女の彼氏になりたくない。彼氏になるのは嫌やから。

Between Worlds

-Home sweet home. I guess that's what the euphoric feelings in my brain says. A lot has changed though.

-I am now an uncle. Seeing my nephew for the first time, it feels kind of odd. I tried to hold him in my arms and suddenly it hit me; I am old, and nothing is reversible at this point.

-My parents and my sisters are the only ones at home; there are no other male members here in my home. My brothers (including the in-law one) are far away, laboring their lives away. That's not really a good situation. No other male family members?

-This plagues me. There's this feeling that I have to try and get back here ASAP, and settle here for good. No time for romance, continuation of studies or youthful fun; those things are secondary to familial responsibility. I can't leave my father alone as the only guy in the house. I NEED TO BE HERE. I can't expect my brothers to be here soon; they all have their own problems. I am the one who needs to settle down in Sibu.

-Looking at my mom holding the baby Ujang (not the real name, obviously); it is the weirdest feeling. My ageing mom holding the baby boy that is her grandson; will my sons and daughters, if I ever have any, get the same privilege? Will my mom see my children? I don't know. It seems unlikely that I will get a girlfriend soon, much less a wife. Plus with my personality, I don't know whether I can be a good husband and a good father. I struggle with myself not to fuck things up; this fucked up boy is obviously not ready to be one, if he shall ever be one.

-I shouldn't worry too much; this is a vacation! Why the fuck am I still worried about the future?

-Maybe because I don't feel so young anymore.

-Alhamdulillah I am home.

کمبالي ک اصل 2

-Besok, tanggal 1 haribulan 3, aku berangkat ke Kuala Lumpur. Kali ini aku akan berada di Malaysia selama 3 minggu lebih. 3 minggu lebih! Bukan satu tempoh yang lama bagiku yang telah meningkat tua; namun apakah jiwaku lebih dewasa dan matang? Itu aku tidak tahu.

-Barangkali nanti di Malaysia, suasana kempen pilihan raya akan hangat menantikanku, untuk menyambutku dengan salam mesra dari panji-panji parti politik Malaysia, yang ingin memancing undi dengan sebanyak mungkin. Maaf, kali ini aku tidak mengundi; Aku belum berdaftar. Dan kalaupun aku berdaftar, aku tak nampak di mana letaknya sebab untukku mengundi kali ini. Sudah terlalu lama aku di luar negara. Aku tak nampak lagi ke arah manakah lagi aliran siasah Malaysia mengalir; ke Laut Cina Selatan? Itu Sungai Rajang, bukan ideologi kerajaan.

-Kuala Lumpur; tempat paling jijik yang pernah aku lihat seumur hidupku! Dengan kesesatan identitinya, kekotoran sampahnya, pembangunan tidak terancangnya, aku tak melihat di mana letaknya nilai estetik dan keindahan yang boleh aku nikmati di sana, melainkan kesepian menginap semalam di hotel seorang diri, memikirkan tentang nasib diriku yang sudah tak tahu ke mana harus ku membawa diriku ini, ke mana harus ku mengejar mimpi yang takku pasti kewujudannya. Barangkali asap rokok akan membantuku melenyapkan jiwaku dalam kala malam butaku meliar, membawa syaitan dalam bentuk kenangan lalu dan harapan yang palsu. Asap rokok menjadi bentengku menentang syaitan yang bertopengkan mukaku.

-Kembali ke asal; itu kata-kata omongan kosong dari harapan yang durjana! Takkan pernah wujud kembali saat ketika aku belum pernah berdosa, taubat takkan melenyapkan masa silam yang duka, penyesalan atas apa yang telah dan takkan terjadi. Aku yang lenyap ditelan waktu dan aliran dunia; apa yang harus kusedihkan? Aku takkan pernah bersedih di atas pemergian waktu silam, walaupun air mataku bercucuran di pipi. Air mataku hanyalah lambang. Aku takkan bersedih atas apapun jua. Tidak berguna kesedihan itu.

-Kuala Lumpur; bandar raya kutukan Tuhan! Tuhan; siapa Dia? Wujudkah Dia? Pentingkah Dia? Peduli apa aku dengan Tuhan. Kehendak Tuhan tiada siapa yang boleh mengerti; jadi buat apa aku kisah dengan apa segala perkhabaran yang diungkapkan manusia dengan istilah 'wahyu,' itu semua adalah angan-angan belaka bagiku. Namun di balik tiap-tiap anganan manusia itu tersimpan, tersirat satu benda yang dinamakan 'erti', dan tiap-tiap erti mengandungi secebis hakikat; Angan-angan manusia itu adalah cebisan dari hakikat yang mengungkapkan selayar citra yang dinamakan dunia; Tuhan adalah Benar kalaupun Dia hanya Khayalan, kerana Khayalan adalah Benar.

-Sudah-sudah sahaja aku mencarut di sini. Aku belum berkemas lagi. Dengan kucupan mesra dari batinku aku akan memeluk engkau, wahai nusantaraku Malaysia. Bi iznillah, Insya-Allah.

-Amen.

Letters Left Unwritten

-Sometimes, there are words I want to say, but they never came out from my mind to the outer world. Honesty and appropriateness sometimes go against each other. Love for a friend and a desire to love the same person as a lover makes it hard to say things, and later I regret not saying it for the world might have been a different story had I said the words in the first place.

-"I should have kissed you in the elevator that night, it was two o'clock, and God is the only witness, all the more reason to kiss you, for it would be true, and alas I didn't, for that I curse myself, and my cowardice, and also the religion that prohibits me from kissing you..."

February Love

-No, this post has nothing to do with that formerly pagan cultural festival otherwise known as the Valentine's Day. It is not even remotely related to the general feelings of love.

-I'm just surprised to hear that the Pope wants to resign.

-So what?

Freedom Demands Sacrifice

-Jose Rizal, the famous Filipino revolutionary writer, once described death as a rest; to quote his poem, Mi Ultimo Adios, he said that death is a place where 'faith doesn't kill'. As he was a critic of the Catholic Spanish occupation of Philippines, it is clear that he criticized the Church, and he paid the price with his blood.