我が国の病

この世界に存在する全ての国家は、それぞれ自分の特殊の問題に関わる。馬来西亜も同様である。
ここでは「宗教」が病になっています。

Sapi

-Dalam kitab Taurat, ada dijelaskan bahawa "seekor lembu yang melanggar seorang laki-laki atau wanita sampai mati, maka lembu itu harus direjam sampai mati." Pembacaan kitab Bible saya sebetulnya belum sempurna dan perlu lebih ketelitian, tapi sekali pandang ayat ini, memang rasa ada 'something wrong.' Rasa macam bodoh pun ada.

-Dalam cerita yang tak berkaitan, hari ini ISIS memperbaharui serangan ke atas Kobane, atau Ayn al Arab. (ISIS panggil tempat tu Ayn al Islam by the way; suka-suka hati saja tukar nama tempat. Macam Soviet betul.)

Hidup 24 Tahun

-Alhamdulillah, dengan izin Allah, hidup aku sudah 24 tahun. Sekarang dengan usia yang bolehlah dikatakan dewasa ini, aku punya hak selaku orang dewasa. Aku secara teorinya bebas untuk mencari duit dan penghidupan sendiri. Dan itu aku lakukan dengan termampu. Dalam sebuah masyarakat yang tidak punya kebebasan mutlak dalam berhati nurani, aku secara separuh diam dan separuh bising menyuarakan bahawa aku tidak percaya kepada agama. Seandainya aku dahulu bukan penganut agama rasmi, ini tidak menjadi masalah. Namun bagi orang-orang yang didaftarkan oleh ibu bapanya dalam agama rasmi, fakta ini akan, dan telah, menjadi masalah kepada mereka. Bukan jarang aku mendengar kisah-kisah perjuangan orang dari kaum majoriti yang berjuang supaya nurani mereka yang sebenar-benarnya diiktiraf dan dianggap bukan sebagai jenayah, tetapi sekadar sebuah ekspresi nurani. Namun kisah-kisah itu selalunya berakhir dengan kemenangan di pihak yang empunya kekuasaan, dan suara-suara kecil itu hilang entah ke mana, melarikan diri dari cacian dan kekejaman kaum mereka yang tidak mahu mereka wujud sebagai diri mereka seadanya.

-Begitulah hidup; aku tahu bahawa ia tak mudah. Namun aku teruskan jua; aku cuba hidup seperti biasa. Tapi hakikatnya aku tak tahu ke mana aku boleh melangkah, dan apakah aku biasa melangkah seorang diri. Namun aku tak punya teman, dan tiada siapa yang boleh aku andalkan untuk menemaniku. Mungkin aku harus mati seorang diri. Siapa tahu. Aku teruskan sahaja langkah hidup ini, jujur kepada diriku sendiri, dan cuba untuk menerima seadanya keadaan dunia, kerana aku telah dewasa, dan dewasa ini aku semakin mengerti bahawa mimpi muda, yang ingin melihat dunia ideal menjadi nyata, akhirnya menjadi sempadan yang membawa dukacita. Kerana itu aku harus membuka mata, dan melihat dunia ini sepertimana yang seharusnya, dan menyedari akan kerdilnya diriku, aku berhenti berharap yang bukan-bukan, dan terus maju ke depan, meredah lubang dan juga dinding. Aku tahu yang aku barangkali tidak punya kemampuan meredah semua itu; tapi aku tidak boleh berundur, kerana masa adalah jalan yang tak empunya titik balik berundur.

-Harusku gagahi jua. Tidak mengapa. Semua ini akan berakhir juga akhirnya.

The Twilight

-So the rocketing starts again in Gaza. This is an inhuman game, played by Israel and Hamas. Israel and Hamas both overstepped their boundaries and that resulted in thousands of Palestinians dead and amplification of hate.

-Seriously, when will these two sides learn, that even trying to kill, albeit unsuccessfully, just TRYING, will blow things up? I pity Mahmoud Abbas; Mahmoud Abbas is the real good guy in here, but he is going against Netanyahu and Khaled Meshaal; both of these two guys are better at their game than Abbas is at his game.

-That's it; it's all a game. Thousands dead; it's all a game. It's not about God or land; it's just stupidity and hate. Go on killing. I don't care if justice is served or not; let the strongest win!

(what can I do? I am not that good; everyone has got his/her limits; am I being an oppressor just by not doing anything right? only because I can no longer go on? I've had enough of this game of hate! Freedom is NOT achieved through hate! Security is NOT achieved through hate! Justice is NOT achieved through hate! Anger and violence do not solve anything!)

-The twilight signals evening prayers. Both Israel and Hamas need to reflect on their actions.

Between Worlds

-I have started working in KLCC for Microsoft. The pay's pretty decent, the job's not too hard (for now) and the conditions are great. It will be a great place to start improving myself and carving myself a place in the society.
-But deep inside, I am really, really feeling insecure. What if I mess up? I can't afford to mess this up.
-And I also feel regret that I didn't use my youth the way youths are supposed to do; have fun, hang out with friends, be in a romantic relationship (well, the last one's just beyond me). Now all I have to do is grow up.
-Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who grows up with you and loves you the way you love her, and yet she also reminds you of simpler, younger times that you both experienced.
-I don't have that. I thought that I did, but perhaps I will never marry. I am an agnostic; I should be prepared to die a heathen. Heheheh.

Semakin Tua

-As I listened to those Muslims praying Tarawih at the nearby mosque, I thought of myself. I used to be one of them. Yes, my faith was inherited, but I was very dedicated nevertheless. I spent a lot of time reading Quran and the history of the prophets; I spent most of my youth building up my knowledge on the Abrahamic faiths; and as I look around and see all these people who still believe in the Abrahamic God, I can't help but thinking that perhaps there is something I did wrong, there is something I misunderstood, there is something I shouldn't have done.
-Of course, sometimes the majority doesn't get it right. But does being 'right' and being 'true' matter? Is it worth all these alienation, disconnection, loneliness and not belonging? I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I can no longer say I am a Melanau, I am a Muslim, I am a Malaysian, I am a Sarawakian; I have lost connection with what I was born into, what I was supposed to inherit. Why? Because the concept of God as the Abrahamic faith teaches it is philosophically troublesome and there is no such God in the first place?
-Get real; religions, cultures, ideologies are never about God. It's all about fitting in the society, it's all about having a place to live and grow in the society. The society is God in itself; who is rejected by the society suffer, and who's accepted by the society doesn't suffer as much. The society favors some and curses some; isn't that very God-like?

Say, "O Allah , Owner of Sovereignty, You give sovereignty to whom You will and You take sovereignty away from whom You will. You honor whom You will and You humble whom You will. In Your hand is [all] good. Indeed, You are over all things competent. (Quran 3:26)

قُلِ اللَّهُمَّ مَالِكَ الْمُلْكِ تُؤْتِي الْمُلْكَ مَن تَشَاءُ وَتَنزِعُ الْمُلْكَ مِمَّن تَشَاءُ وَتُعِزُّ مَن تَشَاءُ وَتُذِلُّ مَن تَشَاءُ ۖ بِيَدِكَ الْخَيْرُ ۖ إِنَّكَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيرٌ

Numbers

-Numbers sometimes intrigue me.

-Here's why. When we talk about numbers, or anything that has a numerical value, we just assign values, like 1, 2, or 3 with utter confidence. But ask anyone on the street what is the meaning of those numbers, and you will find out that most people can't really explain what is the meaning of 1.
We just know that a car has a numerical value of 1, two cars has a numerical value of 2 and so on. We assign values real easy. We don't actually give a real thought to it most of the time. And yet it is really hard to find people that can actually give an ample explanation of what 1 really means. So I tried to define the meaning of 1.
And it is really hard. I have spent 3 or 4 years meditating on this thing (not continuously of course) and I still haven't found a satisfactory way to explain this.