Au Revoir, Ma Chambre

-For nearly 2 full years, I have been living my life inside this claustrophobia-inducing room. It is dark, smells of cigarette, packed, dirty and tiny. But I am going to say goodbye to all of this.

-Au revoir, ma petite chambre! Actually, saying au revoir might be contextually wrong, as it implies that I am going to see this room again when in fact, I am not going to. This is going to be the last time.

-I am moving out next week. A new place might spell a new start, a new life. But I doubt it; after all, it would still be me, alone, heretic and lonely.

-2 years in Japan! I can't believe that time can fly this fast; all of a sudden I am 22, a third-year student at Osaka University-a university that kills its students; I saw a corpse of a suicide last year inside the campus-and yet I am still single, I am still stuck in an unrequited love which will celebrate its third anniversary this year: Alhamdulillah for that!

-The fact that time flies by without stopping made me think sometimes, that maybe-just maybe-Time is God Himself.

Similarity between Muslims and Jews:

1. Both refrain from pork (and other forbidden food, I am not going into the lists).

2. Both obtain their laws from Semitic-language ancient books.

3. Both are hard-headed when it comes to political possession of Jerusalem.

4. Both don't believe in Trinity.

5. Both segregate men and women.

6. Both pray multiple times a day, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening.

7. Both hate each other.

Praise the Lord.

-Audite, surdi: Stupidi sunt homines omnes. Sed, humanitaem omnem confido.

Un Dimanche

-C'est un bon dimanche. Il y a du brouillard. Bon weekend.

-Leh. That low-level French mastery makes me feel bad about myself.

و انا من المسلمين

-I wonder whether I am justified in making this claim that I belong to the Muslim ummah, despite my personal beliefs regarding the Muslim faith, and my views on the Muslim law. Maybe I am not justified; maybe having a Muslim heritage, practicing Muslim rites, being used to the Muslim environment is not a sufficient justification of declaring one's Islamic identification. Maybe we are all deceiving ourselves in saying and declaring in each and every prayer, that we are Muslims; Only God knows whether we are really Muslims, or whether, as Quran puts it, we are of those who say "Verily we are only making peace!"

-I don't think this is a good idea, but I have been doubting my faith for a quite long period of time now; I have been doubting myself, too; Whether is it me that has the ability to affirm my Islamic identity, or whether is it ultimately God who decides whether I am one of those led astray, has been on my mind this days. Neither seems to be totally right, neither seems to be totally wrong. Maybe I have been wasting my time thinking about something that is absolutely of no importance whatsoever to my life as a man. Whether Islam is the right answer to every single question that I have been thinking, I am not sure either; from a secular, materialistic point of view, it is rather preposterous to be basing your actions in life based on your desire for Heaven and your fear of Hell, both having no proofs of existence except those laid out in the Scriptures-which may turn to be part of Muhammad's internal delusion. I am not saying that that case is exactly what happened, I am just saying that there is a possibility that that is the case.

-Anyhow, this doubting thing, I suppose is a kind of necessity for me, having grown up and facing lots of different people and way of thinking, having joined the ideologically-charged religious study groups that poses to me a challenge in terms of the view of Islam that I have-not just a religion, but also a culture, a political ideology and a way of thinking that is God-centric. I have to reform my mind, question my mind lots of times, and engage in conversation with people of different thinkings; this tires me, and sometimes I think of just giving up and cease practicing Islam totally, or give up critical thinking and start following people blindly. But that would not suffice, that would erase the purpose of doubt in my life.

-I have been thinking for way too long. But still in Jumaat prayers, I will recite the Iftitah; "Verily my prayers, my doings, my life and my death is for Allah Taala."
I don't know whether I am just lying all this time.

January 2012: A Premature Review

-This month is fairly busy for me. With my new position as the President of the MSAJ Kansai branch, I found myself having a real hard time adjusting to the new position, lacking experience, abilities, and frankly, leadership talent. I also found myself slumped by final reports; I barely understand the things I've learned in class the whole semester, and found myself having a real hard time trying to figure out what to write. Plus, my research is going nowhere without any real progress, and I have only roughly 3 weeks left to conclude it and present the results to the professor.

-I don't know. One month and I am a bad leader already? I'd better keep that in mind the next time such thing presents itself to me.

Limitation of Language

This sentence is a lie.