و انا من المسلمين

-I wonder whether I am justified in making this claim that I belong to the Muslim ummah, despite my personal beliefs regarding the Muslim faith, and my views on the Muslim law. Maybe I am not justified; maybe having a Muslim heritage, practicing Muslim rites, being used to the Muslim environment is not a sufficient justification of declaring one's Islamic identification. Maybe we are all deceiving ourselves in saying and declaring in each and every prayer, that we are Muslims; Only God knows whether we are really Muslims, or whether, as Quran puts it, we are of those who say "Verily we are only making peace!"

-I don't think this is a good idea, but I have been doubting my faith for a quite long period of time now; I have been doubting myself, too; Whether is it me that has the ability to affirm my Islamic identity, or whether is it ultimately God who decides whether I am one of those led astray, has been on my mind this days. Neither seems to be totally right, neither seems to be totally wrong. Maybe I have been wasting my time thinking about something that is absolutely of no importance whatsoever to my life as a man. Whether Islam is the right answer to every single question that I have been thinking, I am not sure either; from a secular, materialistic point of view, it is rather preposterous to be basing your actions in life based on your desire for Heaven and your fear of Hell, both having no proofs of existence except those laid out in the Scriptures-which may turn to be part of Muhammad's internal delusion. I am not saying that that case is exactly what happened, I am just saying that there is a possibility that that is the case.

-Anyhow, this doubting thing, I suppose is a kind of necessity for me, having grown up and facing lots of different people and way of thinking, having joined the ideologically-charged religious study groups that poses to me a challenge in terms of the view of Islam that I have-not just a religion, but also a culture, a political ideology and a way of thinking that is God-centric. I have to reform my mind, question my mind lots of times, and engage in conversation with people of different thinkings; this tires me, and sometimes I think of just giving up and cease practicing Islam totally, or give up critical thinking and start following people blindly. But that would not suffice, that would erase the purpose of doubt in my life.

-I have been thinking for way too long. But still in Jumaat prayers, I will recite the Iftitah; "Verily my prayers, my doings, my life and my death is for Allah Taala."
I don't know whether I am just lying all this time.