-I have started working in KLCC for Microsoft. The pay's pretty decent, the job's not too hard (for now) and the conditions are great. It will be a great place to start improving myself and carving myself a place in the society.
-But deep inside, I am really, really feeling insecure. What if I mess up? I can't afford to mess this up.
-And I also feel regret that I didn't use my youth the way youths are supposed to do; have fun, hang out with friends, be in a romantic relationship (well, the last one's just beyond me). Now all I have to do is grow up.
-Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who grows up with you and loves you the way you love her, and yet she also reminds you of simpler, younger times that you both experienced.
-I don't have that. I thought that I did, but perhaps I will never marry. I am an agnostic; I should be prepared to die a heathen. Heheheh.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Semakin Tua
-As I listened to those Muslims praying Tarawih at the nearby mosque, I thought of myself. I used to be one of them. Yes, my faith was inherited, but I was very dedicated nevertheless. I spent a lot of time reading Quran and the history of the prophets; I spent most of my youth building up my knowledge on the Abrahamic faiths; and as I look around and see all these people who still believe in the Abrahamic God, I can't help but thinking that perhaps there is something I did wrong, there is something I misunderstood, there is something I shouldn't have done.
-Of course, sometimes the majority doesn't get it right. But does being 'right' and being 'true' matter? Is it worth all these alienation, disconnection, loneliness and not belonging? I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I can no longer say I am a Melanau, I am a Muslim, I am a Malaysian, I am a Sarawakian; I have lost connection with what I was born into, what I was supposed to inherit. Why? Because the concept of God as the Abrahamic faith teaches it is philosophically troublesome and there is no such God in the first place?
-Get real; religions, cultures, ideologies are never about God. It's all about fitting in the society, it's all about having a place to live and grow in the society. The society is God in itself; who is rejected by the society suffer, and who's accepted by the society doesn't suffer as much. The society favors some and curses some; isn't that very God-like?
-Of course, sometimes the majority doesn't get it right. But does being 'right' and being 'true' matter? Is it worth all these alienation, disconnection, loneliness and not belonging? I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I can no longer say I am a Melanau, I am a Muslim, I am a Malaysian, I am a Sarawakian; I have lost connection with what I was born into, what I was supposed to inherit. Why? Because the concept of God as the Abrahamic faith teaches it is philosophically troublesome and there is no such God in the first place?
-Get real; religions, cultures, ideologies are never about God. It's all about fitting in the society, it's all about having a place to live and grow in the society. The society is God in itself; who is rejected by the society suffer, and who's accepted by the society doesn't suffer as much. The society favors some and curses some; isn't that very God-like?
Say, "O Allah , Owner of Sovereignty, You give sovereignty to whom You will and You take sovereignty away from whom You will. You honor whom You will and You humble whom You will. In Your hand is [all] good. Indeed, You are over all things competent. (Quran 3:26)
قُلِ اللَّهُمَّ مَالِكَ الْمُلْكِ تُؤْتِي الْمُلْكَ مَن تَشَاءُ وَتَنزِعُ الْمُلْكَ مِمَّن تَشَاءُ وَتُعِزُّ مَن تَشَاءُ وَتُذِلُّ مَن تَشَاءُ ۖ بِيَدِكَ الْخَيْرُ ۖ إِنَّكَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيرٌ
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Numbers
-Numbers sometimes intrigue me.
-Here's why. When we talk about numbers, or anything that has a numerical value, we just assign values, like 1, 2, or 3 with utter confidence. But ask anyone on the street what is the meaning of those numbers, and you will find out that most people can't really explain what is the meaning of 1.
We just know that a car has a numerical value of 1, two cars has a numerical value of 2 and so on. We assign values real easy. We don't actually give a real thought to it most of the time. And yet it is really hard to find people that can actually give an ample explanation of what 1 really means. So I tried to define the meaning of 1.
And it is really hard. I have spent 3 or 4 years meditating on this thing (not continuously of course) and I still haven't found a satisfactory way to explain this.
-Here's why. When we talk about numbers, or anything that has a numerical value, we just assign values, like 1, 2, or 3 with utter confidence. But ask anyone on the street what is the meaning of those numbers, and you will find out that most people can't really explain what is the meaning of 1.
We just know that a car has a numerical value of 1, two cars has a numerical value of 2 and so on. We assign values real easy. We don't actually give a real thought to it most of the time. And yet it is really hard to find people that can actually give an ample explanation of what 1 really means. So I tried to define the meaning of 1.
And it is really hard. I have spent 3 or 4 years meditating on this thing (not continuously of course) and I still haven't found a satisfactory way to explain this.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Love Is More Real Than God Itself
-Now, there is a time when I believe that life is going to be good all the time, everything shall be easy and things are going to work. I don't believe in that anymore. Those are superstitions that a boy has during his formative years. A man cannot hold on to such detrimental superstitions. Those unfounded optimistic notions are going to eat him alive, as they fail to realize.
-24 years old and still figuring out what to do with his life, I struggle to understand every single thing I see. I used to think I were a special boy with a mission; that is not true. Not only is it not true, but it is also egoistic in nature. That was me. I didn't know what it feels like to take care of somebody else, what it feels to be an adult. And now I know better. I am not saying I understand it all now; I doubt that anyone understands it all. That is why some questions are best left unanswered, some feelings need to be let go, and some dreams have to die. It is all for the best. But what does the 'best' really means?
-I suspect that the world is as perfect as it can be. It is perfect, with sadness, regret, fear, uncertainty; the negativity, the pain, intertwined arbitrarily with the positive emotions and the desire, form what is to be known as the humanity. Human tries to live up to their desires by facing up to their pain and fear. That is in itself, beyond any human judgment , beautiful. It is beautiful, for it is the reason of everything, and yet, it requires no meaning. It is meaningless, and yet, it is the source for what we see as living.
-But, may be I don't want it to be beautiful. Maybe, I just want to see my utmost desire fulfilled. Maybe I have only one chance at happiness. Maybe I need to make a mistake, maybe I need to go to Hell in order to have that chance fully utilized. Nobody needs it to be beautiful. In the end, it didn't matter; as long as we get to see our love requited, then beauty really doesn't matter. Meaning doesn't matter. Love is all there is to be.
-But, that is a dream that remains unfulfilled. Perhaps it is a superstition that one has to bash like religions, perhaps it is a drug. Things need to be beautiful, and my desires don't have any role, apart from being a part in this beauty, a part that needs to be crushed in order for the beauty to finally blossom and achieve perfection. I need to die to perfect my life. But not now.
-24 years old and still figuring out what to do with his life, I struggle to understand every single thing I see. I used to think I were a special boy with a mission; that is not true. Not only is it not true, but it is also egoistic in nature. That was me. I didn't know what it feels like to take care of somebody else, what it feels to be an adult. And now I know better. I am not saying I understand it all now; I doubt that anyone understands it all. That is why some questions are best left unanswered, some feelings need to be let go, and some dreams have to die. It is all for the best. But what does the 'best' really means?
-I suspect that the world is as perfect as it can be. It is perfect, with sadness, regret, fear, uncertainty; the negativity, the pain, intertwined arbitrarily with the positive emotions and the desire, form what is to be known as the humanity. Human tries to live up to their desires by facing up to their pain and fear. That is in itself, beyond any human judgment , beautiful. It is beautiful, for it is the reason of everything, and yet, it requires no meaning. It is meaningless, and yet, it is the source for what we see as living.
-But, may be I don't want it to be beautiful. Maybe, I just want to see my utmost desire fulfilled. Maybe I have only one chance at happiness. Maybe I need to make a mistake, maybe I need to go to Hell in order to have that chance fully utilized. Nobody needs it to be beautiful. In the end, it didn't matter; as long as we get to see our love requited, then beauty really doesn't matter. Meaning doesn't matter. Love is all there is to be.
-But, that is a dream that remains unfulfilled. Perhaps it is a superstition that one has to bash like religions, perhaps it is a drug. Things need to be beautiful, and my desires don't have any role, apart from being a part in this beauty, a part that needs to be crushed in order for the beauty to finally blossom and achieve perfection. I need to die to perfect my life. But not now.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Negaraku Nerakaku
-I have returned back from Japan to Malaysia. The weather's still pretty much the same, and so does the appearance. But something here has changed; the atmosphere. It is toxic, full of bigotry and tension, as ideologies clash and personalities fight for air to breathe.
-But it is all not so surprising to me; this is, after all, the long-term results of both the globalization coming from the outside and the conservatism from the inside. What can you expect? It just had to happen. As one of my friends once said, every single hidden thing is coming up. And people find that unpleasant.
-Is it suffice to say that our country has turned a bit Hell-ish? Well, maybe it is not an appropriate term to use here to describe the situation; a revolutionary period would be a better, though still inaccurate, term. This is the time of change.
-We will see massive changes in the society, as tensions go up and hushed up issues got uncovered. Malaysia as we know it is over. But it is not necessarily a bad thing; things change, and change is natural for any single existing being. The problem is whether we have the right attitude and the right reaction to this change. We can choose to adapt or react; but we have to be responsible and respectful of human rights. Think about the future generation. Do we want them burdened with issues regarding human rights, or do we want them free? It is a fairly easy question. Of course, most of the people who are reasonable in their thoughts will want their children free and unburdened with unnecessary issues. That is the struggle we are currently having; seeking freedom not just for ourselves, but for the next generation as well.
-But this struggle means that one has to face a wall that has been there for ages. It is a wall called the insecurity. People are afraid of change. What would change bring; Heaven or Hell? The question is there waiting to be answered. But it is not God who decides the outcome. It is us. We are the ones who have the final decision. Our insecurities, that take the form of institutionalized religion, ideology, racism and conservatism, are going to hold us back from the outcome. But we cannot stay the same. Staying the same would spell the doom for our society. Like it or not, we have to move forward. But some disagree on the direction. That's the reason for so many tensions inside the country.
-Tensions bubble up and might explode if left unchecked and not channeled. We can't expect the government to do this; the government is in itself one of the cause of the tension. The only way is for us to become truly independent of the government and handle this tension in a healthy way, lest our nation becomes a Hell.
-But it is all not so surprising to me; this is, after all, the long-term results of both the globalization coming from the outside and the conservatism from the inside. What can you expect? It just had to happen. As one of my friends once said, every single hidden thing is coming up. And people find that unpleasant.
-Is it suffice to say that our country has turned a bit Hell-ish? Well, maybe it is not an appropriate term to use here to describe the situation; a revolutionary period would be a better, though still inaccurate, term. This is the time of change.
-We will see massive changes in the society, as tensions go up and hushed up issues got uncovered. Malaysia as we know it is over. But it is not necessarily a bad thing; things change, and change is natural for any single existing being. The problem is whether we have the right attitude and the right reaction to this change. We can choose to adapt or react; but we have to be responsible and respectful of human rights. Think about the future generation. Do we want them burdened with issues regarding human rights, or do we want them free? It is a fairly easy question. Of course, most of the people who are reasonable in their thoughts will want their children free and unburdened with unnecessary issues. That is the struggle we are currently having; seeking freedom not just for ourselves, but for the next generation as well.
-But this struggle means that one has to face a wall that has been there for ages. It is a wall called the insecurity. People are afraid of change. What would change bring; Heaven or Hell? The question is there waiting to be answered. But it is not God who decides the outcome. It is us. We are the ones who have the final decision. Our insecurities, that take the form of institutionalized religion, ideology, racism and conservatism, are going to hold us back from the outcome. But we cannot stay the same. Staying the same would spell the doom for our society. Like it or not, we have to move forward. But some disagree on the direction. That's the reason for so many tensions inside the country.
-Tensions bubble up and might explode if left unchecked and not channeled. We can't expect the government to do this; the government is in itself one of the cause of the tension. The only way is for us to become truly independent of the government and handle this tension in a healthy way, lest our nation becomes a Hell.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Rumahku Tempatku Merintih
-2 tahun genap aku duduk di rumah ini. Rumah yang melihat aku merintih, melalak, bercakap dan menggila seorang diri menghibur hati. Sekarang sudah tiba masanya untuk aku ucapkan selamat tinggal kepada rumah ini. Rumah yang busuk dengan bau rokok dan sunyi sepi tatkala aku keseorangan.
-Aku rasa amat pedih hati. Mengapa harus sayang selalu menebal tatkala engkau mahu meninggalkan sesuatu?
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Humanity and Religion (part 7)
-But language is not just meant for cursing. Language is a diverse system for communication, and cursing is just a small part of it. Language is a tool by which we organize our thoughts and feelings and knowledge, so they become something that is coherent and workable to certain extent. But language is limited nevertheless. But this limit is necessary, for in order for something to be coherent, there has to be a rule, a scope by which it works on, and this rule necessarily limits our language.
-The limitations in our language, coming together with our limited capacity of sensing and taking information from the world around us, makes our world nothing more than perception; We do not perceive the real world, what we perceive is just a world built out of language and sense. Thus, science, being reliant on our language and sense to work, is a human undertaking; the laws of physics may not actually be really real; it is just something that has been put in order by our language and sense.
-But to say that the law of physics may not actually be real is a large, almost anti-scientific statement. For it can be used as a negation to scientific progress, and this has happened before in Islamic society; the statement saying that Allah is the mover of the world has stopped many religious person to actually examine how the world works, because the answers are already ready-made in the form of Allah. The fact that Quran mentions the incident where people tried to burn Abraham with fire, but the fire didn't burn him even whilst he was engulfed in it, makes the attitude worse; for there is a subliminal attitude expressed here that Allah bends the laws of physics to His Will, and thereby the laws of physics, being the lesser rule, is not worth researching; thus the religious shifted their focus on God instead, missing a lot of opportunity in the process, the opportunity that was taken instead by the Europeans, thus the Europeans end up surpassing Muslims in a classic 'the turtle beats the rabbit' story.
-The limitations of language also poses a problem to the idea that God gives humans guidance in the form of scriptures. We hear of Sapir-Whorf hypothesis saying that each language is unique and thereby cannot be adequately articulated into another language; if this is indeed true, than Quran in all its glory, must not have been meant for every single human being; "this Quran is in Arabic so that you may understand it." It must have been meant for only the Arab-speaking people, because the only way that a message can be adequately conveyed is by preserving the language that serves as the medium. But that would run in contrary with the insistence that every human is equal in the eyes of God, and the belief that Quran is meant for every human being. Of course this would not be the case if the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis is not true, but if it is not true, then why is it that the Muslims are banned from treating translations of Quran as Quran, if the translation is reliable? The answer; language is limited.
-The limitations in our language, coming together with our limited capacity of sensing and taking information from the world around us, makes our world nothing more than perception; We do not perceive the real world, what we perceive is just a world built out of language and sense. Thus, science, being reliant on our language and sense to work, is a human undertaking; the laws of physics may not actually be really real; it is just something that has been put in order by our language and sense.
-But to say that the law of physics may not actually be real is a large, almost anti-scientific statement. For it can be used as a negation to scientific progress, and this has happened before in Islamic society; the statement saying that Allah is the mover of the world has stopped many religious person to actually examine how the world works, because the answers are already ready-made in the form of Allah. The fact that Quran mentions the incident where people tried to burn Abraham with fire, but the fire didn't burn him even whilst he was engulfed in it, makes the attitude worse; for there is a subliminal attitude expressed here that Allah bends the laws of physics to His Will, and thereby the laws of physics, being the lesser rule, is not worth researching; thus the religious shifted their focus on God instead, missing a lot of opportunity in the process, the opportunity that was taken instead by the Europeans, thus the Europeans end up surpassing Muslims in a classic 'the turtle beats the rabbit' story.
-The limitations of language also poses a problem to the idea that God gives humans guidance in the form of scriptures. We hear of Sapir-Whorf hypothesis saying that each language is unique and thereby cannot be adequately articulated into another language; if this is indeed true, than Quran in all its glory, must not have been meant for every single human being; "this Quran is in Arabic so that you may understand it." It must have been meant for only the Arab-speaking people, because the only way that a message can be adequately conveyed is by preserving the language that serves as the medium. But that would run in contrary with the insistence that every human is equal in the eyes of God, and the belief that Quran is meant for every human being. Of course this would not be the case if the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis is not true, but if it is not true, then why is it that the Muslims are banned from treating translations of Quran as Quran, if the translation is reliable? The answer; language is limited.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)