-Bulan Disember 2013. Musim dingin sudah menziarahi Jepun, dan kesejukan ini merosakkan kesihatanku. Batuk-batuk selalu. Tesis graduasiku masih di dalam proses; aku sudah hampir tiada masa, namun progres baru mencecah 40 peratus. Alangkah susahnya menulis 50 helai muka surat.
-Dalam kepala aku bingung. Sebelah hemisfera runsing tentang kandungan tesis; sebelah lagi memikirkan keadaan negara ibu pertiwi. "Hidup Melayu!" "Hentak Syiah!" "Kristian jangan guna kalimah Allah!" "Pertahankan kebebasan agama!" "Mari merusuh!" Semua orang ingin bergegak gempita; aku pun mahu ikut bersama. Tapi kecut perut dan tak ada telur untuk berbicara. Jadi graduan pergi luar negara pun tarak guna. Ambil ilmu yang kalau aku bilang di Malaysia akan menjadikan aku sama ada banduan penjara, orang keluar agama, ataupun pengkhianat raja dan bangsa; apa guna? Celaka punya manusia.
-Dalam pada itu, aku berfikir. "Cuba mun aku bei mem. Dating mei buh lalek hal nawan." (Kalaulah aku berpacaran, berjanji temu tak perlu risau tentang orang lain) "Oh pacaranku, would you let me do you? Fuck me. Lul." Ini bukan pemikiran orang waras. Aku gila barangkali; mungkin aku harus membuat kacau sedikit untuk melampiaskan gilaku. Dan menjadi feymes at the same time. Hehehehe.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Persecution
-It is not a good time living in a Muslim society now.
-The reason is because of the tensions mounting due to changes unprecedented in the society as a whole, with the borders and the rights, as well as the status quo being rewritten, for better or for worse. C'est une moment historique; This era's gonna come down in history, hopefully as the renaissance of the Muslim civilization; but first one has to deal with the religion that calls itself Islam, the religion that becomes the ultimate final barrier that precludes the renaissance, due to some negative aspects of it that renders the believers and the society static in their state of mind, unable to handle democracy in its fullest form, unable to accept the changing reality and accommodate new knowledge that supersedes the established knowledge; the barrier needs to be dealt with, and I see only one way that this could happen; violence.
-But perhaps the neo-Muslims; namely, the new, progressive, democracy-loving, peace-loving, more forgiving, less judgmental, less rigid, rationalist and modernized Muslims who adhere to contemporary values instead of conservative values, might be able to learn from history and avoid from doing things the hard way. I don't know, I am not sure. I am an agnostic, my moves are limited.
-I smell persecution in the air. May God protect the minorities. But then again, is God real? And if He is, will he take care of the minorities? If only I were braver.
-The reason is because of the tensions mounting due to changes unprecedented in the society as a whole, with the borders and the rights, as well as the status quo being rewritten, for better or for worse. C'est une moment historique; This era's gonna come down in history, hopefully as the renaissance of the Muslim civilization; but first one has to deal with the religion that calls itself Islam, the religion that becomes the ultimate final barrier that precludes the renaissance, due to some negative aspects of it that renders the believers and the society static in their state of mind, unable to handle democracy in its fullest form, unable to accept the changing reality and accommodate new knowledge that supersedes the established knowledge; the barrier needs to be dealt with, and I see only one way that this could happen; violence.
-But perhaps the neo-Muslims; namely, the new, progressive, democracy-loving, peace-loving, more forgiving, less judgmental, less rigid, rationalist and modernized Muslims who adhere to contemporary values instead of conservative values, might be able to learn from history and avoid from doing things the hard way. I don't know, I am not sure. I am an agnostic, my moves are limited.
-I smell persecution in the air. May God protect the minorities. But then again, is God real? And if He is, will he take care of the minorities? If only I were braver.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
I Miss You
-I can see that my life has been put on halt these few years. It's getting more detrimental to my life to be stuck in the same page over and over again; I had lost countless opportunities due to me being unable to grasp them at the right time and too afraid to take them. Perhaps it's about time I give up and move on with life as a common man; you know, settling down for reality, giving up on my dreams and ambition, graduating and getting a job, being an adult.
-Perhaps I should be working for the government; my anti-UMNO ideology can go in the drain and be flushed in the toilet. Adulthood is about being hypocrite to survive the game without getting hurt. I won't go around saying down with the government anymore; one requires zest and courage to do that, of which I have neither.
-I've been thinking that if I go back to Sarawak, I'm never getting out again; I'll live in Sarawak, work in Sarawak and die in Sarawak. If there's a line of fate that says I'm going out again, then why not? But I think that's fairly unlikely. I should just take a humble profession; you know, academic achievements really matter little at this point if you don't have a job. This ain't no school.
-Perhaps it's safe to assume I won't see most of my friends ever again after graduation. That's normal; that's life; I haven't met Eugene in 6 years, the last time I saw Jesielyna's face was 6, 7 years ago; not to mention those in my childhood years. I've only met Cosmas, Asri, Paul, Luqman during my last time in Sibu, which is months ago. It is going to be a lot harder to meet your old friends. One takes console in the fact that we always meet somebody new; we get new jobs, we go to new places, and there's always people to meet. But is it going to be the same? No. But perhaps I'm getting too emotionally attached.
-I'm starting to get the reason why father always insists on going back to his village on Raya. Because you get homesick; because you miss your friends and families; if you can do it all the time you'd do it; but one always finds himself being constrained by space, time and money. I wonder if people miss me too the way I miss them. I wonder if they'll be able to accept me for who I have become and not just for who I was. It's a constant fear and dilemma.
-I really, really, really miss you.
-Perhaps I should be working for the government; my anti-UMNO ideology can go in the drain and be flushed in the toilet. Adulthood is about being hypocrite to survive the game without getting hurt. I won't go around saying down with the government anymore; one requires zest and courage to do that, of which I have neither.
-I've been thinking that if I go back to Sarawak, I'm never getting out again; I'll live in Sarawak, work in Sarawak and die in Sarawak. If there's a line of fate that says I'm going out again, then why not? But I think that's fairly unlikely. I should just take a humble profession; you know, academic achievements really matter little at this point if you don't have a job. This ain't no school.
-Perhaps it's safe to assume I won't see most of my friends ever again after graduation. That's normal; that's life; I haven't met Eugene in 6 years, the last time I saw Jesielyna's face was 6, 7 years ago; not to mention those in my childhood years. I've only met Cosmas, Asri, Paul, Luqman during my last time in Sibu, which is months ago. It is going to be a lot harder to meet your old friends. One takes console in the fact that we always meet somebody new; we get new jobs, we go to new places, and there's always people to meet. But is it going to be the same? No. But perhaps I'm getting too emotionally attached.
-I'm starting to get the reason why father always insists on going back to his village on Raya. Because you get homesick; because you miss your friends and families; if you can do it all the time you'd do it; but one always finds himself being constrained by space, time and money. I wonder if people miss me too the way I miss them. I wonder if they'll be able to accept me for who I have become and not just for who I was. It's a constant fear and dilemma.
-I really, really, really miss you.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Tali Tuhan (Ikhwan Melawan Tentera)
"Berpeganglah kamu kepada Tali Allah dan janganlah kamu berpecah-belah..."
Ayat ini menjadi punca mengapa umat Islam tidak mempunyai kebolehan untuk menangani perbezaan politik, dan mengapa demokrasi sukar dicapai di negara-negara Islam.
-Seseorang yang telah mempelajari Sirah Rasul, dan telah mengkaji maksud dan penuturan Kitab Quran harus mengerti bahawa peribadi Muhammad Rasul pembawa agama Islam, sifat agama Islam sebagai agama yang kamil, dan juga peristiwa-peristiwa yang membentuk sifat beragama agama yang dipanggil Islam, adalah bersifat politik dalam banyak segi. Sekiranya dipandang semua kejadian-kejadian yang berlaku di antara umat Islam Madinah dan golongan yang memerangi dan diperanginya dari kaca mata yang tidak dipengaruhi oleh akidah Islam, maka akan dapat dilihat bahawa politik Rasul merupakan sesuatu yang bergerak demi kesinambungan agama; Rasul memerangi golongan Yahudi yang dilihat mengancam kesinambungan daulat politik Islamiyah, dan menghukum mereka dengan hukuman buang negeri dan hukuman bunuh secara kolektif. Semua ini untuk membina sebuah negara yang dipanggil Madinah al-Munawwarah; negara yang tidak boleh mempunyai golongan yang menentang kepimpinan Nabi; Nabi memerintah secara autokratik dengan mandat ketuhanan dan kerasulan. Di dalam keadaan ini, sesiapa yang dilihat menentang Nabi dan pemerintahan Madinah, diujarkan sebagai munafik. Munafik hukumnya bukan Islam, kalaupun mereka secara lahiriahnya dan teologikalnya mengakui ketauhidan Allah.
Kewujudan istilah munafik ini menjadikan politik Islam bercelaru, kerana sesetengah daripada pemikir dan politikus yang menggerakkan politik umat Islam menggunakan istilah ini untuk mentakfirkan orang-orang yang melawan mereka. Di Mesir perkara ini sedang terjadi; bagi umat Islam, munafik boleh dibunuh, dan mereka saling memunafikkan antara satu sama lain; justeru timbul satu keadaan di mana masyarakat am jatuh ke dalam situasi huru-hara dek kerana polarisasi masyarakat yang berpunca dari salahguna agama dan pemahaman pemerintahan negara yang 'Islamik' yang tidak memberi ruang untuk perbezaan politik. Politik dan agama tidak dipisahkan; berlainan fahaman politik bererti berlainan agama, dan yang berlainan agama dihukum munafik, yang bisa dibunuh begitu sahaja.
-Ketika Mursi berkuasa, Mursi mencuba untuk menggerakkan kembali Mesir mengikut aduan dan acuan Ikhwanul Muslimin. Hal ini tidak disukai oleh golongan tertentu dalam masyarakat; acuan Ikhwanul Muslimin dianggap konservatif, tidak pragmatik dan tidak praktikal. Harus diingat juga bahawa Mursi berhadapan dengan birokrasi era Mubarak; birokrasi yang sepanjang umurnya (80 tahun) telah berhadapan dengan Ikhwanul Muslimin sebagai 'musuh negara.' Di sini timbul keperluan untuk membina hubungan dan jambatan antara Ikhwan dengan birokrasi; namun Ikhwan dan birokrasi gagal membina hubungan berkenaan kerana tiada persefahaman dan kompromi di antara mereka.
-Saya mengira bahawa Ikhwan terlalu naif dalam percaturan politik. Politik memaksa anda menipu demi kemaslahatan rakyat; Ikhwan gagal mengerti bahawa politik memerlukan anda untuk berkompromi dengan rakyat. Kerana itu mereka telah dijatuhkan, dan tiada konsensus bersimpati dengan mereka melainkan dari penyokong setia Ikhwan, yang berjumlah ramai dan kuat bersuara; Ikhwan adalah sebuah gerakan yang sudah berusia, dan usia menjadikan Ikhwan ramai ahli dan ampuh dalam berorganisasi. Namun mereka masih naif dalam berpolitik.
-Bagaimana pula dengan tentera? Tentera Mesir punya sejarah melawan Ikhwan yang berlarutan panjangnya. Semenjak zaman Nasser tentera Mesir sudah melawan Ikhwan, maka tidak hairanlah andainya tentera Mesir bertindak kasar dan keras serta kejam menentang Ikhwan; permusuhan antara Ikhwan dan tentera amatlah dalam dan banyak berparut. Tidak ramai yang ingat yang dahulunya Ikhwan pernah menggunakan taktik menggunakan kekerasan; Ikhwan banyak mengebom tentera Mesir dalam perjuangannya. Itu sejarah lama.
-Sebenarnya, saya sudah tidak faham apa yang berlaku. Revolusi sudah menjadi perang antara Ikhwan dan askar; kedua-duanya bukan mereka yang mendokong semangat asal revolusi.
Ayat ini menjadi punca mengapa umat Islam tidak mempunyai kebolehan untuk menangani perbezaan politik, dan mengapa demokrasi sukar dicapai di negara-negara Islam.
-Seseorang yang telah mempelajari Sirah Rasul, dan telah mengkaji maksud dan penuturan Kitab Quran harus mengerti bahawa peribadi Muhammad Rasul pembawa agama Islam, sifat agama Islam sebagai agama yang kamil, dan juga peristiwa-peristiwa yang membentuk sifat beragama agama yang dipanggil Islam, adalah bersifat politik dalam banyak segi. Sekiranya dipandang semua kejadian-kejadian yang berlaku di antara umat Islam Madinah dan golongan yang memerangi dan diperanginya dari kaca mata yang tidak dipengaruhi oleh akidah Islam, maka akan dapat dilihat bahawa politik Rasul merupakan sesuatu yang bergerak demi kesinambungan agama; Rasul memerangi golongan Yahudi yang dilihat mengancam kesinambungan daulat politik Islamiyah, dan menghukum mereka dengan hukuman buang negeri dan hukuman bunuh secara kolektif. Semua ini untuk membina sebuah negara yang dipanggil Madinah al-Munawwarah; negara yang tidak boleh mempunyai golongan yang menentang kepimpinan Nabi; Nabi memerintah secara autokratik dengan mandat ketuhanan dan kerasulan. Di dalam keadaan ini, sesiapa yang dilihat menentang Nabi dan pemerintahan Madinah, diujarkan sebagai munafik. Munafik hukumnya bukan Islam, kalaupun mereka secara lahiriahnya dan teologikalnya mengakui ketauhidan Allah.
Kewujudan istilah munafik ini menjadikan politik Islam bercelaru, kerana sesetengah daripada pemikir dan politikus yang menggerakkan politik umat Islam menggunakan istilah ini untuk mentakfirkan orang-orang yang melawan mereka. Di Mesir perkara ini sedang terjadi; bagi umat Islam, munafik boleh dibunuh, dan mereka saling memunafikkan antara satu sama lain; justeru timbul satu keadaan di mana masyarakat am jatuh ke dalam situasi huru-hara dek kerana polarisasi masyarakat yang berpunca dari salahguna agama dan pemahaman pemerintahan negara yang 'Islamik' yang tidak memberi ruang untuk perbezaan politik. Politik dan agama tidak dipisahkan; berlainan fahaman politik bererti berlainan agama, dan yang berlainan agama dihukum munafik, yang bisa dibunuh begitu sahaja.
-Ketika Mursi berkuasa, Mursi mencuba untuk menggerakkan kembali Mesir mengikut aduan dan acuan Ikhwanul Muslimin. Hal ini tidak disukai oleh golongan tertentu dalam masyarakat; acuan Ikhwanul Muslimin dianggap konservatif, tidak pragmatik dan tidak praktikal. Harus diingat juga bahawa Mursi berhadapan dengan birokrasi era Mubarak; birokrasi yang sepanjang umurnya (80 tahun) telah berhadapan dengan Ikhwanul Muslimin sebagai 'musuh negara.' Di sini timbul keperluan untuk membina hubungan dan jambatan antara Ikhwan dengan birokrasi; namun Ikhwan dan birokrasi gagal membina hubungan berkenaan kerana tiada persefahaman dan kompromi di antara mereka.
-Saya mengira bahawa Ikhwan terlalu naif dalam percaturan politik. Politik memaksa anda menipu demi kemaslahatan rakyat; Ikhwan gagal mengerti bahawa politik memerlukan anda untuk berkompromi dengan rakyat. Kerana itu mereka telah dijatuhkan, dan tiada konsensus bersimpati dengan mereka melainkan dari penyokong setia Ikhwan, yang berjumlah ramai dan kuat bersuara; Ikhwan adalah sebuah gerakan yang sudah berusia, dan usia menjadikan Ikhwan ramai ahli dan ampuh dalam berorganisasi. Namun mereka masih naif dalam berpolitik.
-Bagaimana pula dengan tentera? Tentera Mesir punya sejarah melawan Ikhwan yang berlarutan panjangnya. Semenjak zaman Nasser tentera Mesir sudah melawan Ikhwan, maka tidak hairanlah andainya tentera Mesir bertindak kasar dan keras serta kejam menentang Ikhwan; permusuhan antara Ikhwan dan tentera amatlah dalam dan banyak berparut. Tidak ramai yang ingat yang dahulunya Ikhwan pernah menggunakan taktik menggunakan kekerasan; Ikhwan banyak mengebom tentera Mesir dalam perjuangannya. Itu sejarah lama.
-Sebenarnya, saya sudah tidak faham apa yang berlaku. Revolusi sudah menjadi perang antara Ikhwan dan askar; kedua-duanya bukan mereka yang mendokong semangat asal revolusi.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Life Ain't For Living
-I've been watching certain videos on Youtube. It's on MEMRI TV, which is known as a Zionist propaganda tool; 'propaganda is a lie even if you tell the truth,' hence I shall dismiss those videos as anti-Islam propaganda.
-And yet it is true; it is true that violence and oppression have been done repeatedly in the name of Islam, Allah and Muhammad, and the perpetrators have been consistently using Quran and Hadith to justify their actions; torture, murder, misogyny, badmouthing. And it is true that those who have been speaking out against this violent interpretations have been made to shut up in whatever way they can; in fact it is so bad that nobody speaks out anymore; you can't even begin to doubt and question the smallest things, because you are afraid that they will label you as an apostate, to be killed without the slightest mercy, for "do not let your mercy take hold of you in delivering Allah's Hudud."
-Quran has this whole side to it that, read in certain way, paves an easy way, an easy justification for ruthless violence; it is very easy to read Quran as a book of violence, a book that perpetuates war; anyone can do that and totally not feeling guilty about it.
-I am not sure anymore about how we can read Quran the best. "Obey Allah and Muhammad,""Don't raise your voice above that of Prophet's"; how does one do that? Is there a valid, legitimate representation of God that one has to listen to; some sort of jurisdiction that one has to be adhere; and does this jurisdiction holds validity that is perpetual even to this day?
-God declared war in At-Taubah against 'kuffar;' there's no declaration of peace after that declaration of war; just an ultimatum against the people, to 'stop' or to be killed. What does this 'kuffar' means? And stop doing what? Waging war against Muslims? Stop evil? Or stop being non-Muslims?
-I don't know anymore; perhaps the best way, the most realistic way of reading the Quran is to accept that it is a book that belongs in another age; perhaps Muhammad is just another human; "Muhammad is just another Rasul..." is Rasul as great a title as we perceive it to be? If you read Holy Bible, you would find out that those who Muslims believe to be Rusul are not infallible; Abraham and Lot were both incestuous, Moses committed genocide and murder, David stole another person's wife (and perhaps may even actually be a bisexual), Solomon was a polytheist, Job questioned God's way of doing things...but of course Holy Bible is to Muslims, just a book, altered and edited, 'no longer a Holy Book.'
-Who knows, perhaps Muhammad may not even be infallible; maybe Quran is just another book, written and uttered by a man, in the language of a man....and thus is not necessarily true. Who knows, perhaps Quran ain't the Word of God...perhaps that God never existed in the first place.
-Who knows?
-And yet it is true; it is true that violence and oppression have been done repeatedly in the name of Islam, Allah and Muhammad, and the perpetrators have been consistently using Quran and Hadith to justify their actions; torture, murder, misogyny, badmouthing. And it is true that those who have been speaking out against this violent interpretations have been made to shut up in whatever way they can; in fact it is so bad that nobody speaks out anymore; you can't even begin to doubt and question the smallest things, because you are afraid that they will label you as an apostate, to be killed without the slightest mercy, for "do not let your mercy take hold of you in delivering Allah's Hudud."
-Quran has this whole side to it that, read in certain way, paves an easy way, an easy justification for ruthless violence; it is very easy to read Quran as a book of violence, a book that perpetuates war; anyone can do that and totally not feeling guilty about it.
-I am not sure anymore about how we can read Quran the best. "Obey Allah and Muhammad,""Don't raise your voice above that of Prophet's"; how does one do that? Is there a valid, legitimate representation of God that one has to listen to; some sort of jurisdiction that one has to be adhere; and does this jurisdiction holds validity that is perpetual even to this day?
-God declared war in At-Taubah against 'kuffar;' there's no declaration of peace after that declaration of war; just an ultimatum against the people, to 'stop' or to be killed. What does this 'kuffar' means? And stop doing what? Waging war against Muslims? Stop evil? Or stop being non-Muslims?
-I don't know anymore; perhaps the best way, the most realistic way of reading the Quran is to accept that it is a book that belongs in another age; perhaps Muhammad is just another human; "Muhammad is just another Rasul..." is Rasul as great a title as we perceive it to be? If you read Holy Bible, you would find out that those who Muslims believe to be Rusul are not infallible; Abraham and Lot were both incestuous, Moses committed genocide and murder, David stole another person's wife (and perhaps may even actually be a bisexual), Solomon was a polytheist, Job questioned God's way of doing things...but of course Holy Bible is to Muslims, just a book, altered and edited, 'no longer a Holy Book.'
-Who knows, perhaps Muhammad may not even be infallible; maybe Quran is just another book, written and uttered by a man, in the language of a man....and thus is not necessarily true. Who knows, perhaps Quran ain't the Word of God...perhaps that God never existed in the first place.
-Who knows?
Sunday, July 7, 2013
固まらない思い
For years, I have been searching for something I can't exactly put my finger on. I don't know how long has it been since I began; was I always this way? I don't remember.
What I know for sure is that, in the years that I have been searching for, I have lost many things. Someone told me that I cling on to the past; I am sure that is true, for I always counted the things that I have lost; my innocence, my faith, my chances, beloved ones, memories. Each and every day I wake up, with the realization that for each day I lived, I will lose something every single day.
Thus I search for that something; some say it is God I am looking for, some say it is love, some say it is success, some say it is happiness. But the more I look for it, the more I lose.
In the end, I end up being a lonely guy who is having his final year as an undergraduate student in Japan, a guy who lost his entire youth spent looking for something that possibly isn't real; a guy who has come to a realization that, to carry on living, he can't possibly bring anything or anyone from the past with him; nothing belongs to hims, no one belongs to him; he is just alone, like many other souls before him.
He saw dreams crumble before him; how hopes turn out to be lies told to encourage one to move forward, only to realize that there is no such thing as a brighter future; there is nothing better or brighter about the future, nothing that really makes it a better time from either today or the past; it is just the reality as it is going to be, a future that is the reality that one has to face sooner or later, a future that one can never really be fully prepared for; a future where one is adrift across a sea of fate and time.
He saw how people grew up; some of his friends are happily married, some are pursuing their careers, some are excelling in their studies, some are struggling to make ends meet; he compared his life to them and saw that there is nothing really special about his own self; he ain't lucky or gifted, he is just the way he is. He is alone and he owns nothing.
That is me. I begin to question my very existence; perhaps there's no deeper meaning to this. Perhaps there is no love or happiness, no God or Heaven, no success or failure; there's only reality as it is, waiting for me to accept it as much as I'm waiting for it to happen. I don't look for miracles, I don't look for success in life, I am not looking for happiness. It is all a fairy tale, told to children by their parents who know better, and yet the parents told the lies anyway, because even if they know they're all lies and superstition, that the children are going to have a bright future, but they still believe in it anyway, for no one can live without believing in something. One has to believe in the existence of Future.
I know nothing is going to last forever. One day I shall lose everything; heck, I don't have anything anyway, so why should I despair about losing anything at all? I am not going to be afraid of the fact that my parents are getting older, that my family is changing, that I am now an uncle, that I'm going to leave many of my friends behind; I am not gonna let the fears of fading into nothingness take over me. At least rhetorically.
With that, I shall have to take leave, in order to comfort my mind with a dose of nicotine. Allah hafez.
What I know for sure is that, in the years that I have been searching for, I have lost many things. Someone told me that I cling on to the past; I am sure that is true, for I always counted the things that I have lost; my innocence, my faith, my chances, beloved ones, memories. Each and every day I wake up, with the realization that for each day I lived, I will lose something every single day.
Thus I search for that something; some say it is God I am looking for, some say it is love, some say it is success, some say it is happiness. But the more I look for it, the more I lose.
In the end, I end up being a lonely guy who is having his final year as an undergraduate student in Japan, a guy who lost his entire youth spent looking for something that possibly isn't real; a guy who has come to a realization that, to carry on living, he can't possibly bring anything or anyone from the past with him; nothing belongs to hims, no one belongs to him; he is just alone, like many other souls before him.
He saw dreams crumble before him; how hopes turn out to be lies told to encourage one to move forward, only to realize that there is no such thing as a brighter future; there is nothing better or brighter about the future, nothing that really makes it a better time from either today or the past; it is just the reality as it is going to be, a future that is the reality that one has to face sooner or later, a future that one can never really be fully prepared for; a future where one is adrift across a sea of fate and time.
He saw how people grew up; some of his friends are happily married, some are pursuing their careers, some are excelling in their studies, some are struggling to make ends meet; he compared his life to them and saw that there is nothing really special about his own self; he ain't lucky or gifted, he is just the way he is. He is alone and he owns nothing.
That is me. I begin to question my very existence; perhaps there's no deeper meaning to this. Perhaps there is no love or happiness, no God or Heaven, no success or failure; there's only reality as it is, waiting for me to accept it as much as I'm waiting for it to happen. I don't look for miracles, I don't look for success in life, I am not looking for happiness. It is all a fairy tale, told to children by their parents who know better, and yet the parents told the lies anyway, because even if they know they're all lies and superstition, that the children are going to have a bright future, but they still believe in it anyway, for no one can live without believing in something. One has to believe in the existence of Future.
I know nothing is going to last forever. One day I shall lose everything; heck, I don't have anything anyway, so why should I despair about losing anything at all? I am not going to be afraid of the fact that my parents are getting older, that my family is changing, that I am now an uncle, that I'm going to leave many of my friends behind; I am not gonna let the fears of fading into nothingness take over me. At least rhetorically.
With that, I shall have to take leave, in order to comfort my mind with a dose of nicotine. Allah hafez.
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