-Just to make sure this is not yet another dream embedded within another dream.

Sungai Igan Menjadi Saksi

-Kalau sekarang ini aku dapat balik ke Sibu, aku akan terus ke kawasan kampung dahulu barangkali. Melihat saki-baki apa yang dahulunya bergelar Kampung Datuk Lama; Kampung Datuk Lama yang bakal tinggal sejarah seperti Kampung Nyabor dan Kampung Pulau, kampung yang tidak bernilai apa-apa di sisi pembangunan bandar, melainkan nilai sejarah yang barangkali sebenarnya tidak lebih daripada sentimen emosi semata-mata; nilai sejarah yang tidak punya tempat di dalam kamus urbanisasi dan globalisasi kontemporari dunia.

-Barangkali Tuhan sudah lama menentukan bahawa Dia akan melupuskan Kampung Datuk Lama dari muka dunia. Allah, tiada Tuhan melainkan Dia; buat apa kita mempersoal keadilannya? Keadilan itu bukan untuk kita para manusia untuk merealisasikannya; kita hanya mencuba yang terbaik, tapi menurut aku, keadilan datang tanpa peduli dan perlu menjawab kepada ilusi dan emosi manusia; Descartes ada membilang bahawa kesempurnaan Tuhan adalah terletak di sifat-Nya yang tidak punya emosi--kerana emosi itu adalah tanda bahawa sesuatu itu punya kebergantungan kepada sesuatu yang lain; dan kebergantungan adalah sifat yang mustahil bagi Tuhan mengikut Descartes; Tuhan yang Sempurna bergantung perlu dan harap kepada sesuatu yang tidak sesempurna Zat-Nya sendiri? Itu kontradiksi mengikut Descartes.

-Justeru aku tidak menyalahkan takdir atas kebakaran Kampung Datuk Lama. Semua yang terlibat secara langsung atau tidak langsung (aku hanyalah seorang yang merasakan pedihnya kehilangan tanda memori lama, tidak lebih dari itu) harus bergerak dan harus melangkah ke hadapan. Tinggalkan sahaja kenangan lama di masa silam yang tak akan berkunjung kembali.

-Itu sungguh sukar bagiku. Sungai Igan menjadi saksi.

Kampung Datuk Lama

-Back in the days when I was a carefree elementary school student, effortlessly beating everyone else in Abang Ali academically without any real effort at all, I used to bike a lot. I biked with a lot of my old friends--well, acquaintances; I never felt like I was really a part of their group, despite my honest intentions to befriend them; but I'm certain they were honest too--that I neglected my home work; that habit never really left me; but I figure that that's the reason why I was liked by my friends; the fact that I have obvious flaws makes me a more approachable, agreeable person. Perhaps.

-Any rate, back in the days of Abang Ali, I rode my bike a lot. And Kampung Datuk Lama was the place where I would usually go for a ride. I'd ride my bike along the usual route; it wasn't just Kampung Datuk Lama, usually my repertoire included Kampung Hilir and Quarters Penjara, with occasional detouring into Kampung Nangka. And I'd ride alone or with friends; most of the time alone, but greeting friends along the way. It was fun. A great way to spend (or waste) your time, by going on a ride.

-Kampung Datuk Lama which used to be my playground now remains a memory. Almost every, if not all homes were consumed in the fire today. I can't believe it.

-My memories were burnt. I know this is bound to happen; this has happened before in Kampung Hilir. With that kind of village planning and building materials, if a fire breaks out, it's almost certain that there's gonna be multiple house getting caught in the fire. But I thought that someone else who can really do something about it would notice first...I thought that it was obvious.

-Well, goodbye Kampung Datuk Lama. I shall sorely miss you; my childhood burnt down.

Sunni, Shiite, Scandals, Sex, Segregation, Sacrifice, Sadness,Shit

-Syria is at war. Who fucking cares? The reason why it is getting worse is because we care too much. But lo, we care too much about nothing except for our own selves and our own kind. The others can go disappear; the others are vermin; they're apostates, not human enough, not Muslim enough, Godless; they're Antichrist soldiers! Yeah; and we are righteous people fighting for our rights. OUR rights.

-Fucking selfish reasons turned religious. A conflict that was formerly based on the struggle for liberty and democracy became a war being made holy and Godly; was it Bashar's fault that everyone turned to religion, in the hope that somehow God who we know causes EVERYTHING in this world to happen will be on their side? It's easy to blame al-Assad the Alawite; but much harder to realize that turning this war into a religious conflict is going to blow every little shit up! La haula wa la quwwata illa billah.

-Everyone is in the holy war mode; waiting for Jesus the so-called Messiah to end the misery of the people; human is indeed weak. Everything seems to be pre-planned by the God Most High Himself! There's no more 'power to the people;' now it's all 'Allahu Akbar.' And thus, the fight continues on; perhaps the Jews are to be blamed, instead; who had that 'great, creative, legendary' idea to create the State of Israel in a land that has been Muslim for 1000 years? Ah, let's forget about history. Blaming and hating people is easy; Hating the Jews is especially tempting; it's almost religious, it's Sunnah Nabi! (remember; Muhammad did allow that corporal punishment against the 400 Jews) But it does not solve anything. When will people realize?

-Sunni and Shiite will again be at war. So much for ukhwah Islamiyyah. So much for reconciliation. So much for democracy. Hatred is everywhere; apocalyptic religious fervor cement this hatred; Jews, Christians, Muslims, even atheists, got stuck up in a nonsensical war.

-This world is indeed cruel. How do I accept it? "There are things one can't change;" How do I accept this?

Jumaat 24 Mei 2013

-Apakah seseorang itu bernilai, dan jikalau seseorang itu bernilai, adakah wujud sebarang perbedaan nilai antara satu-satu manusia itu dengan seorang manusia lainnya?

-Aku tidak percaya dengan konvensionalisme bahawasanya manusia itu punya sebarang nilai. Tidak; manusia itu dengan tikus, bakteria, daki, lembah sungai, pohon beringin, kitab-kitab, semua tidak punya sebarang nilai barang sedikitpun; hanyasanya kita meletakkan nilai di atas kewujudan kita ini, adalah kerana keangkuhan dan kelemahan kita sendiri yang mahu dan perlu berasa dihargai, kerana harga diri itu menjadi sebahagian dari intipati apa yang kita lazim ungkapkan dengan istilah 'kebahagiaan.'

-Kebahagiaan. Kata nama apakah itu? Konsep apakah itu? Manusia punya satu kehebatan yang luar biasa yang dipanggil dengan kata 'akal', yang membezakan antara kita dengan makhluk lainnya--ataupun lebih tepat lagi, kita merasakan bahawa di situ perbezaan kita, keistimewaan kita terserlah nyata--dan 'akal' ini menjadi akar punca segala konsep-konsep yang abstrak dan aneh, yang tak bisa diukur kira dengan pandangan kasar mata manusia; namun segala konsep-konsep ini terasa begitu nyata dengan hakikat yang begitu berat dan mengharukan sekali dek kerana 'akal' kita. Kebahagiaan nyata sekali adalah salah satu daripada konsep-konsep yang tercitra dek akal kita.

-Quran membilang bahawa Tuhan kita telah menciptakan manusia dengan sebaik-baik rupa kejadian; apakah benar demikian? Barangkali itu hanya sekadar apa yang manusia bisa fikirkan; manusia merasa dirinya serba cukup, sehingga bahkan menganggap bahawa dirinya adalah ciptaan Tuhan yang tercantik dan tercinta--semua ini tidak lain dan tidak bukan hanyalah konsep semata-mata; Tuhan yang ada kerana manusia menginginkan sesuatu yang lebih besar dari dirinya untuk menguar-uarkan betapa keagungan Tuhan itu menghasilkan satu keindahan yang dipanggil 'manusia'? Aku tidak percaya.

A New Nation

The election results are in. BN won again, but is still denied 2/3 majority by the ever-tightening coalition of PR. But allegations of fraud are marring the stage, and is personally making me feel sad.

-What I've seen in this election is a face of the Malay community I've always hated; their overt nationalism. Malay nationalism always foils the path towards real progress. It is the same song, be it BN, PKR or PAS; if it isn't Malay, then it's Islam we're fighting for.

-That, personally, for me, is utter rubbish. It is an outdated idea; it is the idea that divides the nation, undermines the common national identity, and is forcing the minority to fight for their rights--an otherwise unnecessary struggle, if Malays gave more time to weigh on the minority plight.

-But no! It's always Malay, Malay, Malay, Islam, Islam, Islam! Eliminating corruption is second to putting Malay Muslims at the helm of the government; I seriously wonder, how can a Malay who believes wholeheartedly in Islam, tolerates corruption, as long as it isn't the Chinese who is the ruler? And they accuse the minority of trying to take over Malaysia; all despite the fact that the minorities are as Malaysian as the Malays.

-That is one of the reason why I reject Malayification and Islamisation personally. I don't see how both sentiments are helpful in making Malaysia truly Malaysia. But it's a fact; Malays are the majority no matter what, and they would of course protect their exclusive rights to the highest positions; very much like the White Americans who vote for the Republican Party.

-But still, Najib Razak has promised to continue on reforms. Let's hope for the best.

Letters Left Unwritten: The New Song