In My Heart

Just feeling like writing some shit, nothing very much in significance.
How fast time flies us by, no sound, no sign (unless you check your calendars everyday and notice the change in weather and so on) and definitely, no traces left behind.

Four months have passed since I arrived in Osaka. It's now summer, and it's freaking hot, it makes you remember the hazy days in Malaysia when precipitation is very low. Today's a very good weather (of course the day when I write this) and I'm thinking of going out for some exercise in the evening. (Of course this is prior to changes.)

The summer holiday is getting nearer, along with the exams. However, due to the very subjective, never objective nature of my course, instead of doing exams, I have to write some long reports. Well, guess I've to bear with it, and plus, it's quite fun, anyway.

But, I have doubts whether my report will land me good marks, or I will fail due to my Japanese, which still haven't quite reached the university standards.

Well, guess I just have to write them and pass them up. I can only do this much.

I'll try to obtain the highest grade possible.

It's still the first semester, so I don't have to worry much.

Life is tough, and it only gets tougher, and how I wish I can go back to 199, Jalan Pinang.
The address is no more, though. It has been demolished, haha.

Depression

I was depressed. Again.

My head would think of a lot of things, big and small.
But somehow, these days, my mind seems to lose its control, unable to stop thinking where and when I should have stopped. The result, my mind feels burned, continues on thinking while it gets painful, as if my brain is squeezed dry.

This gets worse especially at nights, and no matter what I do, praying, eating, writing, reading-these won't stop my brain from working overload.

Every remedy is temporal, after a while, my brain gets jumped up again, and it can sometimes be very affecting to my behavior.

I've experienced days when I just couldn't write; if I try writing, I'll end up writing in a very sloppy writing, with big, irregular letters, frequent mistakes and repetitions.

I sometimes throw things in my room, books, watch, even guitars.

Beating the wall is a common thing.

Now, I'm getting worried.

Should I get some counseling from doctors?

20

Twentieth birthday.
Sounds weird.
Ok, I'm getting into my mood spiral here.
Tell me, why I was born into this world?
To worship God?
To be judged by God?
And then, failing in every aspect, enter the Hell, made specifically for me?
Hahaha.

Forgive me God.

Language

This is my belief regarding language.

The notion of languages, take for example Malay, English, Japanese, Arabic.....
the notion that these language exists is true.

To some extent.

What extent?

Ok, I believe that every single person has his or her own unique language. Speaking pattern, grammatical usage, word choice, and so on.

In other words, Malay, English, all these languages, are actually a perceived notion.
I call these languages, a perceived common language.

Malay, for example.

Does the way I speak Malay exactly the same as the way others speak Malay?
If you think about it, some people have their very own style, word choice, grammatical usage of speaking. It's not just dialects or accents.

Take the word 'fuck" for example.

You know a video which highlights the way people use that word?
You will notice, that a single word can mean differently in different situations.
Which means, it is possible for a word to mean differently to different people.

I don't use the word 'fuck' very often in my daily speech.
For me, the word is just too harsh on most occasions.
But I am a very harsh writer.
I won't hesitate in writing "these fucking people".
If I am really pissed.
But the same rule does not apply to my speech patterns, and I avoid the word almost totally in my speech.

Others may not have these kind of rule in their speech.
They might be stricter, or looser, or just different.

So what am I thinking is the possibility....
...that not a single person among us....
not even Muhammad....understand Quran the way God does.

And the possibility that no one among the Prophet's followers, understand his word the way the Prophet himself does.

Sounds weird, right?
Just a theory, not proven.

A New Design

Whoa, a new design for my whimsical blog.

But a new design doesn't mean a new heart as well.

Differences

Observe the conflicts happening around you.

Affair 1: A festive.
Side A: Bright cheerful cultural festive.
Side B: Sinful, sexually explicit festive.

Affair 2: Conducting business.
Side C: Right ways of conducting business profitably.
Side D: Lies and treacherous ways of maximising profit.

Affair 3: An attack.
Side E: Self-defense.
Side F: Terrorism.

Affair 4: Criticizing religion.
Side G: We are exercising our freedom of speech.
Side H: They are sprouting words of blasphemy.

Affair 5: A handling on a crime.
Side I: The act is a justified use of force.
Side J: The act is a heavy-handed use of force.

Affair 6: Perception towards those who fell in battles.
Side K: Martyrs who shed blood for our cause.
Side L: Killers who spilled blood of our people.

Affair 7: Debates between the pious and the skeptics.
Side M: Religion is the truth.
Side N: Truth is bigger than religion.

Affair 8: A children`s fistfight.
Side O: P is wrong because he threw things out first.
Side P: O is wrong because he provoked me first.

Affair 9: Ulama and politician.
Side Q: R doesn`t understand the demands of religion.
Side R: Q doesn`t understand the situation we are in.

Affair 10: Quarreling that happens between couples.
Side S: T is cheating on me!
Side T: S is overtly jealous!

Always the same story.

Yet Another Post?

Yet another post would not help save the world, it's just going to fill the internet with another stupid article, and will not precipitate the change I have longed for, for no one concerned reads it, except my friends, and I appreciate that they have came to my blog to read the useless stuff I vented, but I really feel that I can do more to change the situation of the world to a better place.

So, what's been keeping me?

Self desires, I suppose.

Just writing in a blog because it's fairly a risk-free way to tell the world that I am so f$%^ing annoyed with this and that, but in the end, does it change anything?

No.

Can I stop who I feel needs to be stopped, just by typing words in my blog?

No.

I really should take a more drastic action, a concrete action.

No way.

You're just too afraid of making sacrifices, you coward!
You can always go if you really want to go, but there's always another commitment:
Study, work, relationships, et cetera.

You're afraid of losing friends, you're afraid of having to abandon your education, you're afraid of spending your mediocre amount of money, you're afraid of losing the one you love, by making a drastic action.

I honestly am tired of second-guessing myself. But I can't help doing it anyway.